I'm back?

It's been just about 8 months since I have blogged. Seems crazy that for such a long time, I was blogging daily, sharing so much of my life with my readers and now I, often times, forget that I even have a blog!

This has been a good place for me to write out my thoughts on life, my struggle with grief, and my search for healing.

I've been missing writing. I've been missing the vulnerability that my writing brings. I've been missing writing out my thoughts and processing through things.

Life has been good. I've been a stay at home mom for 5 years now.

5 years.

Can you believe that?

Caleb is celebrating his 10th birthday in a few short months. Hannah just turned 7 and Lukey has made the jump from the terrible 3's to the rotten 4's. ;) My babies are growing up and I am so proud of who they are becoming.

This also leads me to the fact that Joshua would have been 5 this past August. Another birthday and anniversary have come and gone. We survived the season, but it wasn't without many tears. I don't think August through October will ever be a happy time in my life- thats just the way of grief and loss. I'm content to grieve when I need to. I'm slowly coming to realize that there is healing in the continued tears and God draws close to me through them, sustaining me and reminding me of the eternal hope I have in Him.

God has been so very faithful to me. He has been healing me in ways that are truly nothing less than miraculous. He has been working on my heart, drawing me closer to him, and binding up my wounds one by one.

He has been teaching me what it means when he says, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in weakness." There have been so many times over the past 5 years that I just did not have the strength to go on. There have been so many tears, so much sorrow, and incredible heartbreak. But He has been sovereign over it all. I am finally at peace in knowing that I don't have to understand the "why's" of everything, I just need to place my faith in him and he will be faithful to complete the work in me.

As I continue to journey through the ups and downs of parenting, being a wife, and the hard work of grief, God continuously reminds me to look to him for my strength every single day. He has been a constant companion who patiently listens to my complaints, comforts me when I struggle with anxiety and grief, and rejoices with me in my triumphs. He has given me hope for my future.

There were so many days that I felt like all hope was lost. It feels good to finally be able to say that I have hope.

All that to say, God is working on me. He is revealing some places of sin in my life and he continues to break me in an effort to make me more like Jesus. I can't say I particularly enjoy some of the things he is teaching me, but I know in the end, it's for His Glory.


I might be back to blogging again. I might be back to sharing some of my struggles as a wife and mother. I might be back to writing out my daily thoughts, struggles, and triumphs. Will you join me?

Birthday, Grief, Love, and His Presence

Yesterday was Joshua's birthday.

It's a day that we are supposed to look forward to and enjoy. It's a day that is supposed to be filled with family, cake, laughter and joy.

It's a day, that so many tell me, that I need to celebrate his life instead of mourn his death.

But how can I celebrate a life that isn't here? To sit around a birthday cake made for a son that is dead is one of the most depressing things on the face of the earth.

August 16th is a day that I dread every year. It's a day that all the memories come flooding back to me. It's a day that I remember how much hope I had for my son's life. It's a day that began the last 51 days of my son's life. It's a day of sadness, not because I didn't appreciate or value his life, but because it's a day that signifies his absence in our lives and in our family.

Over the past 3 weeks, I've done a great job of keeping busy. Two weeks of vacation, summer camp, and the beginning of school have kept my mind preoccupied. But I knew it it was coming. My heart knew that there was really no true way to avoid it.

Yesterday came. The day my son should have turned 4.

There were tears. Lots of tears. Tears from me. Tears from Shane. Tears from Caleb.

Oh, the tears from Caleb. Those are the most heart breaking tears of all. Have you ever watched your 8 year old son process what it means to be "celebrating" his dead brother's birthday? It's awful and heart wrenching. It leaves you crying out for Jesus to give you the strength to make it through; to give you the wisdom and grace to put aside your grief to comfort your grieving child. It's like a sick and horrible punch to the gut that leaves you breathless.

But amid the grief and the tears, there was a Still Small Voice whispering peace. God's goodness was shown again through the kind gestures and words of others. His provision poured forth through cards in the mail, a bouquet of flowers, a cake delivered to our door, kind words on my Facebook timeline, supportive texts to both me and Shane, friends who visited just to see how we were, a family member who came and provided company when loneliness threatened to consume, a card sent to our children reminding them that their brother is loved and remembered. God knew what our needs were and provided for every tiny little detail throughout the day.

My heart is still shattered from losing Joshua. It doesn't consume me daily like it used to. In fact, if I'm not blogging here, that is usually an indicator of having a good day. My bad grief days are few and far between. But when they come, they COME. It will likely always be that way, and it's ok. It's ok because it shows how much I love my son. My tears are my way of letting my love and fierce devotion to Joshua show. It's my way of letting my heart cry out to God, begging him for peace and assurance. It's through those tears that Jesus draws me closer to him and breathes healing into my broken heart.

Happy Birthday, Joshua. Your Mommy, Daddy, brothers and sister love you so much. We miss you, sweet boy.

Reconciling the Past with the Present

Caleb was 4 when Joshua was born and died. At the time, he was in preschool for half the day and at daycare with Hannah for the other half. Shane was working full time and when he got off work, would pick them up from daycare and care for them in the evenings. During the weekends, Shane and the kids came down to Indianapolis to visit Joshua and Mama.

However, due to their age, they weren't allowed in the NICU to see him. Caleb could, but he could only come for 15 minutes at a time with preapproval from the neonatologists. It was a constant juggling act and Shane and I did our best to provide as much normalcy and routine for the kids as we could. We tried to keep their schedules and routines the same. We tried to make their weekends fun by going to the Children's museum, the park, or the zoo.

Thankfully, Hannah was spared the memories. She was only 2. She doesn't really remember much from those days. She knows who Joshua is through pictures and our stories about him, but she doesn't remember the chaos that was his life.

Unfortunately and fortunately, Caleb does remember.  He remembers seeing his brother for short periods of time. He remembers us telling him that Joshua was very sick. He remembers plopping down in the waiting room lobby after Joshua's first surgery and saying, "I'm not going anywhere until I see my baby brother."

He remembers the child life specialist explaining to him that Joshua was going to have a big "ouchie" on his chest when he saw him. He remembers seeing Joshua with the tubes and lines and chest open.

I'm so thankful he has those memories, but he's having a hard time with it again.

He's 7 now. 3 years have gone by. At the time, Joshua was a very concrete and tangible person. He was his brother.

But now, he's reprocessing what happened. He's beginning to understand the consequences and results of Joshua's life. And it's hard for him to understand.

After school today, he asked me, "Mom, if Joshua didn't die, would we still have Lukey? If he was still alive, would Lukey still be our brother?"

Punch. To. The. Gut.

I answered honestly. I told him that if Joshua had died, we would not have Lukey. We most likely would not have had another baby.

That is so hard for him to reconcile. He loved Joshua so much. He still does. But here is Lukey, who he also loves very much. How does a 7 year old understand that he can't have one and not the other? How does he make sense of his love for one brother that wouldn't have happened without the other?

He's been having a hard time lately. He's been struggling with what life would be like if Joshua were still here. It's a concept that is hard for me to understand at almost 30 years old. How in the world will a 7 year old understand it?

I know he's reprocessing what happened, and I'm glad that he is, but it breaks my heart all over again to see him struggle. Please pray for us as we help him to reconcile the past with the present and for him to be at peace with it.

A 7 Year Old's Grief

I hate being faced with what to do with Caleb and Hannah regarding Joshua's life.

When Joshua was alive, Caleb was only 4 and Hannah was 2. Hannah doesn't really remember him at all, but Caleb does.

I know for a fact that Caleb has been touched and changed by Joshua. If not by his life directly, then by the way that he saw and continues to see Shane and I grieve. He has a very tender heart and an emotional maturity that only hardship and loss can bring.

I love him for how gentle and loving he can be. But at the same time, I grieve for what he has been through.

Tonight, I was faced with the decision of telling them about Joshua's birthday tomorrow. Caleb is 7 now, and Hannah is 5. They are old enough to understand what that means- a birthday without the birthday boy. Their relationship with Lukey is one of the most tender and loving relationships I have ever seen. Sometimes I see Caleb interacting with Luke and I can see in his face that he is thinking about Joshua and what it would be like to be a big brother to him. That kills me.

Caleb especially understands how difficult it is to face Joshua's birthday.

So, as I was putting them to bed tonight, I was faced with the decision to tell them- knowing full well that they will grieve and be sad, or not tell them and save them the grief.

Of course I told them. It's not fair to them to not be included in his life and his milestones- even if they aren't the milestones we expected for Joshua's life.

I tried to keep it as matter of fact as I could. I tried to just simply tell them that it was Joshua's birthday without tears or emotion. I didn't want them feeding off of my emotions  which would result in all 3 of us crying and carrying on together.

It has been my goal to never force my grief and sadness on them or make them take on my emotions.

But, no matter how hard I try, Caleb's reaction kills me every time.

He broke down. He sobbed and asked for all of his things that were Joshua's- Joshua's blanket from the NICU, his Joshie Doll, and the bunny rabbit that the funeral home gave to him to keep Joshua's picture in. I gathered all of those things and sat on his bed and held him as he cried and cried and cried.


It's one thing to carry the burden of grief myself. It's another to watch your children carry that burden. There is nothing worse than watching your children grieve for a brother they never knew.


This is the kind of stuff that makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me want to vomit. I hate the fact that my children have to deal with the sadness that I deal with. It makes me sad to see them anxious about what could happen to them- knowing that we are all all susceptible to death.

I'm not sure how I will get through tomorrow. A birthday without the birthday boy is unimaginable to me- even though I've done it 2 times before. It just doesn't get easier.

A Taste of What Should Have Been

I've been babysitting during the day. At any given time, I have quite a few children in our home that are not my children. I care for them, love them, and treat them like my own.

For the most part, I enjoy babysitting, but some days it drains me. There have been a few children who have brought about the grief of losing Joshua when I realized they are Joshua's age. But, I've found the joy in having children around who are his age. It allows me a glimpse of him and what life may be like for him in Heaven (assuming babies age the way we do here, of course!)

I've been seeing Joshua in Hannah lately. There have been a few specific times that, when she looks at me, I swear it's Joshua looking back at me. Hannah and Joshua share a lot of the same features while Caleb and Lukey share a lot of the same features. Seeing Joshua in Hannah is such a blessing. He was such a beautiful child.

This morning, I have a little guy here is who is just a few months older than Joshua- I've known that for a while. It's so good to see some of the developmental milestones that I would have missed, even if it's not in my child. However, as I was doing dishes this morning, it dawned on me that the ages of the children that I have here this morning, would have been the ages of Caleb, Hannah, and Joshua if he had lived. Hannah is almost 5- the age Caleb was when Joshua was born. The little guy that I'm watching is 2 1/2- the age Hannah was when Joshua was born. And Lukey is 1. Just a little older than Joshua would have been.

Watching the 3 of them interact quickly brought tears to my eyes. This is what should have been. This is what my family SHOULD have looked like. But the reality is that it was never intended to look this way.

But, here is where I have found major healing in my life. In that moment, when grief threatened to over take me, I remembered the blessings that came out of Joshua's life. I look at Luke and his beautiful red hair and sweet disposition (who, by the way, has reached the holy terror stage of development- climbing, jumping, and getting into trouble! LOL!). I look around at the beautiful home that we were able to custom build. I look at Caleb and Hannah who have incredibly tender hearts. I see my husband whose strong shoulders have carried the burden of our family with grace and strength that can only come from God. And I think of my best friend Molly, who without her, I would have never reached the level of healing I have. I allow myself to bask in the love of my savior who has held on tight to me, even when I wanted to let go. His grace has been and will be enough. And then I think of our newest project- Joshie Dolls, and what an honor it is to serve CHD families with dolls that bear the beautiful scars that their children bravely wear.

Today, I got a small taste of what should have been, but I also got a chance to see what IS. And for as much as I miss my baby, and wish things could have been different, his life was and still is amazing. God continues to provide for our family through Joshua's life. So instead of being overwhelmed by what should have been, I am thank for it and allowing the beauty of what is to take hold.

At the Request of My Grandma

My grandma is probably one of my most faithful blog readers I have. Therefore, you can thank her for this post! She has been bugging my aunt about me not blogging and I got a call from my aunt begging me to update so my grandma would shut up about it! LOL! :o)

Life has been busy.

We have settled into a new groove in our new home. Shane and I still go to bed every night humbled (and in disbelief) and honored that we have such a beautiful house to call home. Every morning, I sit in the kitchen, cup of coffee in hand, and watch the sun rise over the empty field behind our house. I watch the ducks and geese splash in the pond. I can't help but thank God every morning for His blessings.

Lukey is now 11 months old and has started walking pretty much over night. He still prefers crawling over walking, but he's trying his darndest to get the walking stuff under control. It's so cute when babies learn to walk- it's like they are miniature zombies- arms in front, legs stiff, trying to maintain balance. He's such a cutie pie.

He's also started saying "Mama" and "All Done." We've started weaning due to excessive biting. I have tried everything over the past 6 weeks to get him to stop biting, but he doesn't seem to care. He and I have also shared a pretty bad case of thrush back and forth which has made my supply dip drastically. So far, the medication has helped clear up the thrush, but it's been rough maintaining my supply. For right now, I am nursing for the morning feeding and the night feeding. On occasion, I will nurse him at nap time too, but not always.

This past Saturday, October 6th, was Joshua's 2nd anniversary in Heaven. By God's grace, I didn't feel the need to blog about it. Writing has always been such a good way for me to work through my emotions, but this year, I didn't feel the need to. I was able to cry about it, but I wasn't consumed with it. God truly has healed me from the heavy burden of grief and anxiety. That's not to say I don't still feel that grief, but it's not nearly as overwhelming and exhausting as it once was. God is so incredibly good.

As I rocked Lukey to sleep on Saturday night, I was reminded of how different life is for us now. We have a new baby, a new home, Caleb is at a new school, Shane is at a different job than he was, and I'm a stay at home mom. 2 years ago our lives were complete and utter chaos. We were completely broke (on the verge of bankruptcy), preparing for a critically ill child to arrive. Everything about our lives was in turmoil. Now, here we are, on the flip side of that chaos- we are resting in God's goodness and grace. We still have our ups and downs, but God is carrying us through and providing for our every need. It's such an amazing testimony to God's faithfulness.

Other than that, life is the moving forward. Grief still ebbs and flows, but it's not overwhelming and paralyzing. It's a good feeling to just be living again. :o)

I love them.

First day of First Grade!

First Day of First Grade

Somebody got a haircut! :o)

Hannah and her best friend playing "car."

Telling secrets.

Dear Caleb,

Today is your first day of first grade.

I can't believe how quickly time has gone by.

Caleb, I want you to know that I'm praying for you.

I know you are nervous about going to a new school. I know you are going to miss your friends from your old school, but I am confident that you will  succeed in all that you put your mind to.

Caleb, you have been through so much in your short 6 years of your life. The most significant being the loss of your brother and then your grandpa. But, sweet boy, you have handled it with grace and an amazing strength that only comes from above. You are a better person because of your experiences and you will do great things.

Caleb, you will be just fine in 1st grade. You will make friends, you will excel in your academics. You will grow and learn. You have handled adversity much bigger than simply going to a new school. You are smart, strong, and funny. Most importantly, you have your daddy and myself standing behind you, supporting you and loving you in any way that you may need.

I know you don't understand our decision to move to a new home, and I know you don't like that you have to go to a new school, but this is it. This is where, Lord willing, we will be for a long time. This is where you will grow to become a young man. We chose this path with you, and your sister and brother, at the center of everything. God has opened some mighty doors and we have been obedient.


Sweet boy, I'm praying for you as you begin a new school year. I'm trusting that God will give you courage and strength this morning. I'm praying that He will bring you a best friend at school, someone who loves God (and Beyblades) as much as you do. I'm trusting that He will give you the knowledge that you need to become successful in life in a way that is glorifying to Him.

I love you, sweet Ubs.

Love,
Mama

This Week

I'm not sure what this week is going to be like for me.

Caleb starts school at his new school on Wednesday. Joshua's 2nd birthday is on Thursday. Shane is working till 10:30pm every night this week. We are officially into week one of Operation Fatten Lukey Up- he is not gaining weight like he should be and we are trying to figure out why.

I'm trying not to dwell. I'm trying not to even think about it. My mind cannot go to another birthday without him here. I cannot think about the exhaustion that normally accompanies the long 8 days in a row when Shane works late. My oldest is going into first grade. Why does he have to grow up? I guess the alternative to never growing up is worse. Thinking about the possibilities behind what could cause Luke to not gain weight is devastating and terrifying to me.

The grief is raw, overwhelming, and crippling. But I can't let it stop me. I have responsibilities. I have 3 little lives depending on me.

The thought of a birthday party is like a swift and hard punch to the gut. I don't want to celebrate. Joshua is not here. I know his birthday should be a joyful day for me. I know I should focus on the life that he had, but it's just an awful and painful reminder of what should be.

My kids, Caleb especially, want to celebrate their brother's birthday. Caleb seems to be processing losing Joshua a lot more lately. He will NOT allow me to say that I have 3 children. He always tells new people that we have a dead baby brother who is in Heaven. I don't want to take away something that could be healing to him because of my pain. If he needs to celebrate his baby brother, I will sacrifice my grief to help him heal. But, dear God, I'm not sure how I can do it.

As this week is coming up, please remember our family in prayer. I feel myself slipping into the deep and dark abyss of overwhelming grief. I don't have the time to wallow in self pity. I have to continue on. I have to celebrate Caleb's first day of school at a brand new school. I have to be intentional about giving Luke as many extra calories as possible. I have to continue to keep it together so my house doesn't completely fall apart while Shane works crazy hours. God, help me. I can't do it with my own strength. I need you, Lord.

Most of all, please remember Joshua this week. Speak his name. Remind me that you are thinking about him. I NEED to know he's not forgotten.

Caleb's Excitement

God has been working in some crazy great ways lately.

Recently our paths have crossed with a new church that will be close to our new home.

We have gone a few times, and we are really excited to see where God is taking us as well how God will use our new church.

The biggest excitement is to see Caleb excited about it.

He's at the age that it has become a battle getting him to go to church. He doesn't want to go- it's too boring, it's too long, it's not fun.

We came home from our the new church and Caleb was so excited. The first thing he said when he got into the car was, "MOM, DAD!!!! I can't WAIT to go back!"

The next day, he plopped next to me on the couch and said, "Mom, I need a new Bible. I'm tired of my baby Bible. I want a big kid Bible."

Who can turn down a 6 year old's request for a Bible?

So, off to Family Christian Bookstore we went!

I've never seen him happier.

We have spent a few hours, over the past 2 days, reading some of the stories and talking about the meanings of them. I'm surprised at how much he can truly grasp and how deeply he wants to understand God's word.

I'm so excited about his excitement.

My Beautiful Family

Aren't we stunning?

Been a Rough Week

It's been a somewhat emotional week for me.

Nothing in particular has been going on, there aren't any anniversaries or specific reminders of both Joshua and my dad. Yet, this week has been borderline rough for me. I've had to let the tears come. There have been many moments of sadness and grief this week.

I've been working on a new project (as I get further along in the process, I promise to share more). It's something that could bring major change to our family's life. I've been spending a lot of time praying about it, talking it over with a few people I trust and gathering information to see if it could become a reality. I've been setting up meetings and trying to get everything organized enough to figure out where to start.

It's a project that my dad would have been a huge help with. His background and education would have been incredibly helpful to me. His encouragement and advice would have been one of the most important factors in figuring out what path to take. I guess, as I have been working on figuring it all out, I find myself wishing that he was here to help. It makes me wish he was here.

I also realized this week that Luke is the only one of my children that will never know Joshua. I was looking through pictures of Joshua on my phone one morning and as I was scrolling through, I caught Luke smiling at the baby on the screen. I laid with Luke as we scrolled through pictures, telling Luke all about the big brother that he will never know. I held back the tears as I realized that Lukes big brother will  only be pictures to Luke.

The realization that Luke is now much older than Joshua ever was, is difficult for me as well. He's a big brother to his big brother, in a way. He's doing things now that Joshua never got to do. He has outlived, by months, his big brother. Punch. To. The. Gut.

I wonder what it will be like for Luke as he grows up. I wonder what his connection to his big brother will be? Caleb and Hannah have at least some memory of Joshua. They have pictures of themselves with him. They have keepsakes from him- blankets and stuffed animals that were given specifically to them to help them remember Joshua. Luke doesn't have those things. I wonder what it will be like for him to see pictures of Joshua and know that he never got to meet him. I wonder if he will eventually think of Joshua as a little brother- simply because he will always be a baby in the pictures- never growing or changing. Will it be hard for him to realize that Joshua actually is his older brother?

I know these things seem so trivial. But it grieves me to think of the brotherly love that Luke (and Caleb and Hannah) are missing out on because Joshua is gone. It grieves me to know that Luke will never know his brother and doesn't have the pictures of Joshua that Caleb and Hannah have.

Some weeks are so darn good. Others are so hard. This never ending roller coaster of emotions are draining. Here's hoping to a better week.

My Kids Make Me Laugh

My kids crack me up.

It seems like at least once a day, they are saying or doing things that make me laugh.

I wanted to record a few of my favorites!

Caleb eating a ham sandwich and the ham had some holes in it: "Mom!!!!! These holes are where they shot the pig so that we could eat it! COOL!!!!!!!!"


Shane to Hannah: "Hannah, you are the prettiest girl I have ever seen in my life."
Hannah: "My mom is going to throw me in the trash."


Caleb was outside and I hear him yelling for help. I rush out side and he is covered in black dots. I quickly found out that the dots were ants and they were biting him. After I got them all off, I asked him what happened. He apparently thought it would be fun to lay his head on an ant hill....ON PURPOSE. 


Me to Hannah: "Hannah, what is your puppy's name?"
Hannah: "Email."


Caleb: "Mom, all the girls at school chase me at recess. They are big fans of me."


Hannah: "Mom, my boogers keep growing, so I HAVE TO keep picking them and eating them. They are DELICIOUS."


Caleb: "Mom, in our new house, I want the toilets that flush by themselves. Oh, and a king cobra."

6 and 6

6 years. 

6 months.

Brotherly love,

at it's finest.

He's Got Super Powers!

My incredible husband took Luke, Hannah, and Hannah's best friend to the zoo today.

(Thanks, Pop Pop, for the zoo pass!!!)

That, in itself, is pretty impressive.

What is even more impressive is this:

He wore Luke almost the entire time in the Ergo.

Not only did he wear Luke, but he was able to get him on and off his back BY HIMSELF.

I think he has super powers.

To top it off, he also took all 3 kids to the river for a little creek walk this evening.

Did I pick a good one or what?!

Rollin', Sittin', and Tube-in'

Mr. Lukey is the master of some new tricks lately!

Why, yes! Yes, I did make that green blanket! Thank you for noticing! :o)

Not only is he sporting a couple bottom teeth, he is now an expert in rolling over (and getting stuck!).

He is rolling from back to tummy, but has yet to discover how to get back TO his tummy.

I love this stage, but I would be lying if I said I didn't get tired of having to flip him over every 2 seconds because he's angry that he's on his belly! :o)

He's also working on sitting up.

Woah, Mom! What is going on?!?!

He can sit for 20-30 seconds at a time and then falls over.

It's hilarious to watch him fall like a chopped down tree- no arms reaching out to catch his fall- he just topples over and looks confused!

Also, this past Monday, poor little man became the recipient of a brand new pair of shiny little tubes for his ears. Poor fellow has had multiple ear infections since birth and we were finally referred to an ENT. The doctor told us that she thought his hearing was severely impaired due to the amount of fluid that was in his ears. Thankfully everything went perfectly and he seems to be feeling and hearing much better!


When Caleb and Hannah were babies, I was working outside the home. While I experienced their growth, I never really saw the daily changes like I get to see with Lukey. Being able to experience and care for Lukey (and Caleb and Hannah too!) is another precious gift that Joshua gave to our family.

While there are some days that I just want to pull my hair out in frustration or go up to bed at an insanely early hour, I don't take a second of my children's lives for granted. With each milestone, each new sound, each new stage, my heart is reminded of the baby that we never got to experience these things with.

But the healing is evident. Luke brings me such joy. I needed him. I need all 3 of my (living) children. If it weren't for them, I'm not sure where or who I would be!

And just for good measure, look at these two handsome brutes!

Oh how they make my heart happy!

Twins?

Caleb at 5 months:

Luke at 5 months:

Definitely brothers.