It's been a somewhat emotional week for me.
Nothing in particular has been going on, there aren't any anniversaries or specific reminders of both Joshua and my dad. Yet, this week has been borderline rough for me. I've had to let the tears come. There have been many moments of sadness and grief this week.
I've been working on a new project (as I get further along in the process, I promise to share more). It's something that could bring major change to our family's life. I've been spending a lot of time praying about it, talking it over with a few people I trust and gathering information to see if it could become a reality. I've been setting up meetings and trying to get everything organized enough to figure out where to start.
It's a project that my dad would have been a huge help with. His background and education would have been incredibly helpful to me. His encouragement and advice would have been one of the most important factors in figuring out what path to take. I guess, as I have been working on figuring it all out, I find myself wishing that he was here to help. It makes me wish he was here.
I also realized this week that Luke is the only one of my children that will never know Joshua. I was looking through pictures of Joshua on my phone one morning and as I was scrolling through, I caught Luke smiling at the baby on the screen. I laid with Luke as we scrolled through pictures, telling Luke all about the big brother that he will never know. I held back the tears as I realized that Lukes big brother will only be pictures to Luke.
The realization that Luke is now much older than Joshua ever was, is difficult for me as well. He's a big brother to his big brother, in a way. He's doing things now that Joshua never got to do. He has outlived, by months, his big brother. Punch. To. The. Gut.
I wonder what it will be like for Luke as he grows up. I wonder what his connection to his big brother will be? Caleb and Hannah have at least some memory of Joshua. They have pictures of themselves with him. They have keepsakes from him- blankets and stuffed animals that were given specifically to them to help them remember Joshua. Luke doesn't have those things. I wonder what it will be like for him to see pictures of Joshua and know that he never got to meet him. I wonder if he will eventually think of Joshua as a little brother- simply because he will always be a baby in the pictures- never growing or changing. Will it be hard for him to realize that Joshua actually is his older brother?
I know these things seem so trivial. But it grieves me to think of the brotherly love that Luke (and Caleb and Hannah) are missing out on because Joshua is gone. It grieves me to know that Luke will never know his brother and doesn't have the pictures of Joshua that Caleb and Hannah have.
Some weeks are so darn good. Others are so hard. This never ending roller coaster of emotions are draining. Here's hoping to a better week.