Friday, June 8, 2012

Been a Rough Week

It's been a somewhat emotional week for me.

Nothing in particular has been going on, there aren't any anniversaries or specific reminders of both Joshua and my dad. Yet, this week has been borderline rough for me. I've had to let the tears come. There have been many moments of sadness and grief this week.

I've been working on a new project (as I get further along in the process, I promise to share more). It's something that could bring major change to our family's life. I've been spending a lot of time praying about it, talking it over with a few people I trust and gathering information to see if it could become a reality. I've been setting up meetings and trying to get everything organized enough to figure out where to start.

It's a project that my dad would have been a huge help with. His background and education would have been incredibly helpful to me. His encouragement and advice would have been one of the most important factors in figuring out what path to take. I guess, as I have been working on figuring it all out, I find myself wishing that he was here to help. It makes me wish he was here.

I also realized this week that Luke is the only one of my children that will never know Joshua. I was looking through pictures of Joshua on my phone one morning and as I was scrolling through, I caught Luke smiling at the baby on the screen. I laid with Luke as we scrolled through pictures, telling Luke all about the big brother that he will never know. I held back the tears as I realized that Lukes big brother will  only be pictures to Luke.

The realization that Luke is now much older than Joshua ever was, is difficult for me as well. He's a big brother to his big brother, in a way. He's doing things now that Joshua never got to do. He has outlived, by months, his big brother. Punch. To. The. Gut.

I wonder what it will be like for Luke as he grows up. I wonder what his connection to his big brother will be? Caleb and Hannah have at least some memory of Joshua. They have pictures of themselves with him. They have keepsakes from him- blankets and stuffed animals that were given specifically to them to help them remember Joshua. Luke doesn't have those things. I wonder what it will be like for him to see pictures of Joshua and know that he never got to meet him. I wonder if he will eventually think of Joshua as a little brother- simply because he will always be a baby in the pictures- never growing or changing. Will it be hard for him to realize that Joshua actually is his older brother?

I know these things seem so trivial. But it grieves me to think of the brotherly love that Luke (and Caleb and Hannah) are missing out on because Joshua is gone. It grieves me to know that Luke will never know his brother and doesn't have the pictures of Joshua that Caleb and Hannah have.

Some weeks are so darn good. Others are so hard. This never ending roller coaster of emotions are draining. Here's hoping to a better week.


Beverley said...

{{{{Jill}}}} I don't understand grief...but it sure gets me some days!

Mellow said...

It's painful isn't it. I hate those realization moments...they hurt. Praying for you.

Melissa said...

Dear Jill,
This is a all painful reality to me as well. While my daughter was stillborn any children after her will always see her as a baby. Never growing or changing and that hurts beyond measure. I will be praying for you.

McEngland like the McCountry said...

I am praying for you, sweet friend. It will probably alway hurt, this unfair burden you shoulder, but it will get easier to find happiness. Lukey-pants is proof of that. All my love.

Auntie M said...

Praying for you hon...some weeks are just like that, huh? The wind-knocked-out-of-your-sails weeks?

Missing your dad is a whole new kind of grief for you--one no one gets used to. Ugh!

As for little Joshua and Lukey. Oh my...*sigh*
My sis-in-law was reaching for something up high on a shelf while holding my nephew (15 months old)just last week & for the 1st time he noticed the memorial area to his big brother who was stillborn. He pointed excitedly at Demetri's picture saying "Baby! Baby" (But "baby" should have been 3 this coming Nov) and then he saw the urn my brother custom-made and got so excited, making his sign-language sign for & saying "Daddy! Daddy" He recognized his daddy's workmanship. But poor Mama didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So she did a little of both. And told Dante about his big brother, the baby Demetri...

Like Luke, Dante will end up being a like a big brother to his big brother...but, like your family, we've talked to him about his brother since he was born: so at least he will know OF him even if he didn't get to actually meet him.

Do you have anything of Joshua's that you could designate now as Luke's? Maybe Caleb & Hannah could help you choose something? Even if it's a little shirt that clever Molly makes into a mini animal or baby, or you could buy an bear to wear one of Joshua's onsies or T's, or something that could be his reminder of his big brother?

No easy answers to life's hard questions. But lots of love & prayers.

Don't know why ;-) but you & your family have just captured my heart and I feel as though I know you (and am not just stalking you thru FB & your blog)

Onna Knechtges said...

Jill, I have a lot of these same thoughts about my E and the older sister he never got to know. I don't talk about it a lot, but I had a step-daughter who was violently taken from this world five days before her first birthday. E knows about her, not the story behind why she isn't her, but about her. He talks about her and he sees her pictures. She is a part of his life, because we keep her a part of our lives. Luke will know Joshua because he is and always will be a part of your life. He may not have ever known him in this world, but he will know of him and he will be a greater person, because of him.

Designs by Dana
© 2011 Designs by Dana
© No content of this blog may be used or re-printed without written permission