I'm not sure what this week is going to be like for me.
Caleb starts school at his new school on Wednesday. Joshua's 2nd birthday is on Thursday. Shane is working till 10:30pm every night this week. We are officially into week one of Operation Fatten Lukey Up- he is not gaining weight like he should be and we are trying to figure out why.
I'm trying not to dwell. I'm trying not to even think about it. My mind cannot go to another birthday without him here. I cannot think about the exhaustion that normally accompanies the long 8 days in a row when Shane works late. My oldest is going into first grade. Why does he have to grow up? I guess the alternative to never growing up is worse. Thinking about the possibilities behind what could cause Luke to not gain weight is devastating and terrifying to me.
The grief is raw, overwhelming, and crippling. But I can't let it stop me. I have responsibilities. I have 3 little lives depending on me.
The thought of a birthday party is like a swift and hard punch to the gut. I don't want to celebrate. Joshua is not here. I know his birthday should be a joyful day for me. I know I should focus on the life that he had, but it's just an awful and painful reminder of what should be.
My kids, Caleb especially, want to celebrate their brother's birthday. Caleb seems to be processing losing Joshua a lot more lately. He will NOT allow me to say that I have 3 children. He always tells new people that we have a dead baby brother who is in Heaven. I don't want to take away something that could be healing to him because of my pain. If he needs to celebrate his baby brother, I will sacrifice my grief to help him heal. But, dear God, I'm not sure how I can do it.
As this week is coming up, please remember our family in prayer. I feel myself slipping into the deep and dark abyss of overwhelming grief. I don't have the time to wallow in self pity. I have to continue on. I have to celebrate Caleb's first day of school at a brand new school. I have to be intentional about giving Luke as many extra calories as possible. I have to continue to keep it together so my house doesn't completely fall apart while Shane works crazy hours. God, help me. I can't do it with my own strength. I need you, Lord.
Most of all, please remember Joshua this week. Speak his name. Remind me that you are thinking about him. I NEED to know he's not forgotten.