Saturday, August 11, 2012

This Week

I'm not sure what this week is going to be like for me.

Caleb starts school at his new school on Wednesday. Joshua's 2nd birthday is on Thursday. Shane is working till 10:30pm every night this week. We are officially into week one of Operation Fatten Lukey Up- he is not gaining weight like he should be and we are trying to figure out why.

I'm trying not to dwell. I'm trying not to even think about it. My mind cannot go to another birthday without him here. I cannot think about the exhaustion that normally accompanies the long 8 days in a row when Shane works late. My oldest is going into first grade. Why does he have to grow up? I guess the alternative to never growing up is worse. Thinking about the possibilities behind what could cause Luke to not gain weight is devastating and terrifying to me.

The grief is raw, overwhelming, and crippling. But I can't let it stop me. I have responsibilities. I have 3 little lives depending on me.

The thought of a birthday party is like a swift and hard punch to the gut. I don't want to celebrate. Joshua is not here. I know his birthday should be a joyful day for me. I know I should focus on the life that he had, but it's just an awful and painful reminder of what should be.

My kids, Caleb especially, want to celebrate their brother's birthday. Caleb seems to be processing losing Joshua a lot more lately. He will NOT allow me to say that I have 3 children. He always tells new people that we have a dead baby brother who is in Heaven. I don't want to take away something that could be healing to him because of my pain. If he needs to celebrate his baby brother, I will sacrifice my grief to help him heal. But, dear God, I'm not sure how I can do it.

As this week is coming up, please remember our family in prayer. I feel myself slipping into the deep and dark abyss of overwhelming grief. I don't have the time to wallow in self pity. I have to continue on. I have to celebrate Caleb's first day of school at a brand new school. I have to be intentional about giving Luke as many extra calories as possible. I have to continue to keep it together so my house doesn't completely fall apart while Shane works crazy hours. God, help me. I can't do it with my own strength. I need you, Lord.

Most of all, please remember Joshua this week. Speak his name. Remind me that you are thinking about him. I NEED to know he's not forgotten.


Lauren said...

I am sending you big hugs, Jill! I will be facing Caleb's 2nd birthday in September. i will be praying for you, and posting about Joshua often. :)

Lisa said...

Your sweet little Joshua is never forgotten! Be sending prayers and thoughts your way, as always!

Jennifer Hood said...

I've been praying for you and thinking of sweet Joshua's beautiful eyes before I read this post. You will continue to be on my heart and in my prayers over the next few months especially. Love you and your four beautiful children!

Unknown said...

Oh hugs to you Jill. I know the grief can be so overwhelming. I know it feels as though time does not seem to heal our hearts. I lost my precious HLHS warrior nearly 4 1/2 years ago. The hurt still stings. Your sweet Joshua is just beautiful! One day we will see our precious children again in heaven. God had a greater plan with their lives. I know sometimes it is so difficult... I will pray for you. I will pray for strength,endurance,peace, and comfort for you and your family in the coming week. Heart hugs to you!

Kathy C. said...

I pray for you so often even though you don't know me. Impossible to fathom how you manage it all and I greatly admire you. Also saying a little prayer for Baby Luke and this little concern is only temporary.

AmyBeth said...

Thinking of you and your sweet Joshua this week. Sending prayers for Luke as well. My now-almost-9-year-old did not gain weight as he was supposed to & had extreme failure to thrive...he is doing wonderfully now! Hoping & praying your Luke outgrows this issue as well! <3

Jessica said...

Praying for you this week, sweet friend!!

rainyrabbit said...

I think of him every single day Jill. He will always be remembered here in our home. Sending hugs and prayer to you that the Lord may wrap you in his arms and give you peace.

Heather said...

Oh my Jill ... so much heaviness on your heart but yet the Lord is carrying you! I won't claim to know how you feel as I can only imagine the pain you carry in your heart; but know that you are in my prayers and sweet Joshua is smiling down on all of you as you take each day one day at a time this week. Smile and celebrate when you can and let the tears come when they need to ... it is OK!!!! Good Luck to Caleb on his 1st day of 1st Grade ... I so remember my Connor starting 1st grade ... this year he starts 4th ... my oh my where does the time go. Chin up my friend ... sending lots of prayers and strength to you.

becboo84 said...

Jill, even though I don't know you, I think of your family, all six of you, often. I will be thinking about you guys even more this week.

Auntie M said...

Oh Jill! What a momentous week! So many milestones!
Caleb is seriously going into 1st grade?!?! How can that be?!?! Hard to watch them grow like weeds, but what a special time too!
As for sweet Joshua's birthday...2 years going by since his blessed birth, doesn't make it any easier because of course you are reminded that he is not here to celebrate and that is just, well...wrong! He should be, but he isn't. I find it interesting how possessive/protective Caleb is of his little brother. I know it is heart-wrenching for you, but it is also so very sweet of Caleb. He is such an "Oldest" child: protector of the younger ones, even those that may at times drive him crazy! ;-) While it is like a knife prick, perhaps you could look at his passion for Joshua as that assurance that Joshua WILL NOT be forgotten. Perhaps Caleb has that same fear you do...that his name won't be spoken, that someday he won't be remembered, so he is holding the torch high, leading the way, remembering his brother loudly & clearly for others to follow.
And we do! We remember Joshua! He isn't forgotten. He won't be! I always remember him: your family of 4. On Thursday, my 3 1/2 y.o. niece is coming to stay a few days. We'll have to have a little cupcake birthday party for Joshua! :-)
As for Lukey--remember, those scales doctors use are "averages" and some kids just don't fit the averages! I think I mentioned my friend Ashleigh's son to you...he is 5 and it took YEARS for him to even make it onto the weight chart and he has never been average! He is ALWAYS below average! Always. The kid has lived his life on Pediasure. He has also lived his life with all his mom's friends being jealous of his amazing capacity to eat ANYTHING and not gain weight! LOL He's had every test under the sun--thyroid, stomach tests, metabolic, you name it, he's had it. He's just going to be skinny...and tall, and energetic, and fast. That's just how he is. His parents spent a lot of time worrying over him (he nearly died as an infant) til they just grew to accept that this is Carter. Plain & simple.
I'll be praying that Luke gains some weight & that nothing is wrong with him--that he (like Carter) just takes after his daddy!
As for you, my dear, I hold you close in my heart, and lift you up to the Lord. I'm praying for great grace for you to not just "make it through" this week, but for there to be joy admidst the tears of celebrating Joshua, and pleasure in Caleb's milestones, and that Shane's working late won't even be noticed: that time will fly.
Love you!

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