Monday, July 16, 2012

2 years ago

Two years ago, we were exactly one month away from delivering this baby into this world.

Just two years ago, we were trying to figure out how we were going to survive, what we were going to do, where we were going to go, and how we were going to get there.

Our lives were full of unanswered questions.

Our lives were full of uncertainty, worry, and exhaustion.

I was 8 months pregnant. I bled my entire pregnancy. We had a house fire a few months before. We were broke, we were scared, we were tired. We were knee deep in an unpaid mortgage.

We felt alone, trapped, and were scared for our baby's life.

2 years ago, I wrote this post. It was a post about all of our uncertainty.

As I read through that post, I was taken back to a time when life felt complicated and overwhelming. I was taken back to a time when I had the arrogance to challenge God- saying to Him, "Surely you will not take this child from me. Not after all that we have been through. We don't deserve this."

I thought I had all the answers. I thought I knew what depending on God truly meant. I thought my faith was strong.

But little did I know.

The last paragraph of that blog post, 2 years ago, was this:

"God has been working. He has taken away every piece of control that I have. He has stripped our lives down to the bare bones and is creating something more beautiful than we can even begin to imagine. He has already decided what will happen, and He has chosen not to reveal it to us yet. God has taken me on a journey to be ok with the unknown and to just simply trust. Trust. TRUST. I still have so much to learn, but I'm finding freedom in those 4 awful words. I just don't know. "

I ended that paragraph with "I still have so much to learn.." We are two years into this season of grief. We have since lost the baby that we waited so anxiously for. We have moved, left our church, and started over. Faith has gotten messy, life has become even harder, friendships and church have become difficult. 

But one thing has remained true. 

God has remained faithful. 

He has been with us through the fire. He has carried our family out of the darkest and deepest pits of despair and is bringing us into the light. Even when He has felt far, he has been right there, carrying us, loving us, and providing for us. 

I can't believe it's been 2 years. 


Mellow said...

Times moves swiftly, yet so painfully slow in so many ways when we are grieving. It hurts, and it changes us. Praying for you.

Lisa said...

You and I are of the same mindset. We need answers and at least the illusion of control that the good Lord so grants us, but the truth is, as I think you have said at some point, we are not the one's in the driver's seat of life. God is. I went back to your old post that you linked to in this writing. You finished it with "I just don't know". I would have too, but I think of also "God will provide".

I think you and your family often and continue to pray for you all on your journey, whether it would be the journey of grief over your sweet Joshua or the grand journey of life, of which grief becomes a side journey. God Bless!

Avery Tales said...

It always amazes me to look back on our grief journey, the ups, the downs and the in-between. It's a roller coaster ride that never truly ends. However, I'm grateful that God has given you the heart to see the good that has come from such a painful loss. I know these next couple of months will be difficult. I'll be praying for you guys.

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