You will probably be hearing from me more often over the next few months. Writing has always been my way of working through my emotions. When I write, it's because I'm having a hard time with things. When it's quite around here, you can bet things are going well and life is livable.
Well, here I am again...working through my emotions.
We are coming up on a hard time of year for our family. Joshua's birthday is August 16. He would have been 2 years old.
Lately, it seems like grief is sneaking up on me again. It's always a one step forward, two steps back dance with grief. I do really well for a while, and then, BAM, something triggers it and the floodgates of tears open.
There have been so many things lately. A color of yarn that was the exact color of Joshua's hair. A picture of him that I forgot about. Someone doing something in honor of Joshua's life. Meeting new people and hearing that they have a 6 year old, a 4 year old, and a 2 year old. Seeing the 2 year old and trying to imagine what he would be like toddling around.
I don't like living like this. I don't like the sadness that comes and knocks me to my knees. I don't like that my baby is dead, but there isn't anything I can do about it.
So, here we are. Getting ready to celebrate a 2nd birthday, once again, without the birthday boy. Then after that, walking through the 51 days that he was alive and then living through the 2nd anniversary of his death. Not to mention that I'm sure our story will start circulating the web again by the group of people who made Joshua a martyr for their cause- just adding salt to a very open and very deep wound. (please, if you see our story circulating, please don't tell me. I don't even want to know.)
I'm dreading these next few months. They should be months of excitement- Caleb starting first grade, moving into our band new home, as well as attending a brand new church that God has brought us to. While these months will have many good and exciting times, those times will be clouded with sadness and grief.
So, get ready for me. Here I am. Working in out through writing. Praying that my struggles will be an encouragement to someone else. Remembering a little boy that I love with my entire being. Trying to make sense of it all.