Thursday, July 15, 2010

I just don't know.

I just don't know, I just don't know, I just don't know.

That has become the phrase of my life right now.

What is happening with children's ministry while you are gone? I just don't know.

What is happening with the clothing ministry while you are gone? I just don't know.

When will you be ready to come back to work? I just don't know.

Why didn't you plan this, or plan that? I just don't know.

Are you going to go back to teaching? I just don't know.

Where are you going to go if your house sells? How are you going to move on top of everything else? I just don't know.

What size clothes do you need for Joshua? I just don't know.

Where did you put those darn shot records and GPS? I just don't know.

What is going on with Shane's job? How is he going to be able to care for the kids and work full time while you are out in Indy? I just don't know.

How are you going to survive this financially, emotionally, and mentally? I just don't know.

How are the kids going to be while you are gone? I just don't know.

This phrase has become the most hated phrase in my vocabulary. Up until this point, it has been a phrase that has literally kept me up at night, worrying and wondering. It has been a phrase that has haunted me, stressed me out, and about driven me to insanity.

You see, I'm a controller. I NEED answers. I NEED to plan. I NEED to be organized. But with all of this there are no answers. There is no planning, and there is no organization.

There is so much more to those 4 words than I just don't know. There is frustration. There is uncertainty. There is worry and anxiety. But ultimately, there is FREEDOM!

It goes against every grain of my being to give up what little control that I have over our lives. It makes me crazy to not have answers. But I have slowly been learning to just be content in the now. I have been working on giving up my pride and asking for help. God has been teaching me that it's not about me, it's about Him.

God has been working. He has taken away every piece of control that I have. He has stripped our lives down to the bare bones and is creating something more beautiful than we can even begin to imagine. He has already decided what will happen, and He has chosen not to reveal it to us yet. God has taken me on a journey to be ok with the unknown and to just simply trust. Trust. TRUST. I still have so much to learn, but I'm finding freedom in those 4 awful words. I just don't know.


Jenny Lincoln said...

Oh Jill... I wish you were close enough to hug. The unknown is both scary and frustrating. We are here to support you in any way we can.
Heart hugs,

Alyssa Canada said...

I'm right there with you, Jill! I know I've shared with you before that God has been doing the exact same thing in my life recently. SO hard not knowing the unknown, but there's also this amazing peace that comes with choosing to trust in the Lord and giving up control daily...especially when you think you have it all together and God tells you otherwise! Love you girl! Know that I'm thinking about you and miss you!

Stefenie said...

I am a true believer that God has used Logan as His instrument to teach me about patience and obedience. It is hard giving up control and surrendering to the unknown. But God is telling us that it is ok.....that He will provide what we need and that He will shine the light when our path gets dark.

{{{HUG}}} Here for you!!

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