Tuesday, November 30, 2010

One foot in front of the other...

It's been a rough week.

Thanksgiving came and went. The day itself was ok. It was after the busyness had died down and everyone had gone to sleep that the anger hit me. That was the first time I had really been ANGRY since Joshua's death. (Other than when I found out that people were calling the coroner....but that was a completely different kind of anger.)

Friday marked 51 days of Joshua being gone. His sweet life was only 51 one days long. Saturday was the first day that he has been gone longer than he was alive. Another punch to the gut.

The weekend came and went. Christmas decorations were put up, hot chocolate was had, and christmas music was being played. Shane and I fought about a critter that he brought home from work and wanted to keep. The emptiness was there (it always will be) but it wasn't dehabilitating like it often times is.

Then there was yesterday. The day started off actually going decently well. Back to the regular routine- preschool for caleb, potty training for Hannah, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, and cooking for me, work for Shane.

But then I got the news. The news that my friend was gone. It was completely unexpected and caught me off guard.

Hearing that news was like pouring salt into my open wound. I literally cried all day long. I couldn't find the energy to cook, clean, shower, or even get dressed. The TV and instant netflix movies babysat the kids all day. I cancelled going to Bible Study, and literally laid on the couch all day.

I have NEVER been this way before. Death has always affected me, but not like this. I don't know if it's because the wound is still so fresh and raw, or if it's because I have never personally experienced death before like I did with Joshua.  I don't konw what it was, but it hit me and it hit me HARD. The only thing I could do was allow myself to feel the pain. Allow myself a day to mourn all over again.

The nasty thing about grief is that I never know when it's going to hit hard. I never know what is going to trigger a flood of emotions. I never know what is going to render me useless for a short time. I finally start to feel ok with things, and life is starting to have color to it again, and then something hits and dehabilitates me.

I find that my grief comes and goes in cycles. It's at its worst between the 6th and the 16th of every month (his death and his birth). By the time I start to feel like life is becoming normal again, the 6th comes around again, and the cycle starts all over again.

I'm back on my feet today. I'm still struggling, but I'm showered and dressed. That is an improvement from yesterday.

I'm slowly learning to take one day at a time. And when I need to, allow the grief to drown me for a day and then start over the next. I just need to continue to put one foot in front of another.

8 comments:

Krystal said...

So sorry to hear of your friend's death and your loss of Joshua. (I blog-hopped over a while back and have been praying for you.) My heart hurts for you, and I will pray specifically for God's grace, strength, comfort, and mercy on you. (It's okay to hurt and have bad days; you're human!)

Hugs in Christ,

Krystal

Jake & Stephanie Ellinger said...

Is there an obituary for Steve? He was so helpful to us with Nathan.

Ella said...

Death IS cyclical- there is good news, each time you go around a bend the cycle will get longer. This may not be of comfort now- but knowing that the grief will not forever flood you...

"When you pass through the waters (of grief, anger, sorrow, sadness, disbelief, hopelessness...)"

Robin said...

I am so sorry for your losses, and I cannot imagine how yesterday much have thrown you down on the ground when you were already down. I pray for you and your family, and I keep coming back here to read to hear of your honesty and strength and love for Jesus. It is an inspiration, and I am blessed that I have such an example to witness.

Paula B said...

I am praying and thinking of you. Our family loves all of you.

Mommy K said...

Thinking of you often... Praying for comfort and crying tears in Joshua's memory...

The Porn Widow said...

I think it is very wise to take one day at a time...

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34

The grief can escalate quite quickly if you let it own you. You are doing well little trooper! I don't have any inspiriational words of wisdom but I'm praying for you guys. God Bless!

Christine the ArizonaIntactivist said...

Yes...one day at a time...

 
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