Thursday, November 25, 2010

Anger....

I have not experienced a whole lot of anger yet....until tonight...it has hit me and I'm pissed.

I've reading a lot of gratitude and thanksgiving blog posts and quite honestly...i don't feel like i have an ounce of thankfulness left in me.

My baby is dead. How can I be grateful? Thankful that he's in a better place...yes....thankful that he's not hurting anymore...yes....but thankful that he's dead....NO.

There are other children with his same exact heart diagnosis who are alive and well. Where is the fairness in that?

All I have is a stupid little pumpkin with his name on it, 2 giant tubs off of his stuff, a butt load of crappy pictures, and a pile of ashes in a plastic bag.

I don't see anything to be thankful for.


God,

I'm angry. You could have reached down and healed him. You could have. But you chose not to. I don't understand you. Deep down, I trust you. I do. But tonight, I'm angry with you. I know you love me the same. You know I love you the same. But why? Why my baby? Why didn't you just reach down and heal his broken heart? Why didn't you stop it? Why are you allowing us to suffer like this?! When are you going to take this pain and actually make it bareable? God, Shane and I are waiting on You. We are waiting for you to show us the next step. We want to be obedient....but right now I just want to SCREAM at you....

God, I'm so hurt. I'm so tired. I'm so angry. Take this from me. Please. Take this from me. I trust you. Take this from me. I love you. Take this from me. I can't do it myself. It's at your feet.

17 comments:

amandadahmes said...

Oh honey. Im praying hard for you tonight. Every holiday is hard and its even harder to be thankful on thanksgiving. I dont comment often enough but I read your blog every day. I pray for you everyday and am thinking of you.

baby foot fluff said...

it's ok to be angry, even at God. he is big enough to handle every ounce of anger and pain you have. give it to him, yell, scream, wail, swear at him. he can take your anger and give you peace. girl, if i lived near you i'd bring over some foam bats and we could beat the hell out of some pillows.

Mari said...

Jill,
I never know the right words, but I'll keep commenting, just to let you know I'm here...listening and praying.

Mari

Michelle said...

oh girl. i have been where you are and go back, often. why our sons? why???

Shawn Becker said...

I think at this point you need the anger...it is a stage of grief. Like @baby foot fluff said..God can take your anger.. because he Loves You. So for now, scream and yell. Just know we will keep you in our prayers and send our love your way!

Shawn

Angela said...

(((Hugs)))

Danielle said...

It's definitely ok to feel that way. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Faith when everything is as you want it to be is not true faith. It is only when our lives are falling apart that we have the chance to make our faith real! The holidays are going to be tough, any day is going to be tough, but Christ allows us to know great pain, so that we can know the greater pleasure of trading it in for purpose. Your son has purpose. I'm sorry, but I would not trade any of my children's lives for anyone else's. So to say that Joshua died so others could know Him, while true, is unbelieveably horrid. But we are not God and He is sovereign and He did trade His son's life for ours. So, He knows what you are going through and He does love you just the same. Christ would not put us through anything that He hasn't had to deal with. He is The Comforter. I am praying for you! And going back to your previous post on how you let your kids sleep in their play clothes.. my girls slept in their swimsuits yesterday. We live in Illinois. It is freezing here. And they are going around the house in their swimsuits! Kids are goofy! Praying. Trista G.

Roy said...

Jill, you don't know me, and I barely know you. What I've read from your beautiful blog here is that you love the Lord very much and I'm here crying for you. I do not know what you are experiencing personally nor can I ever understand what you're feeling, but I do pray for you, and hurt for you. I'm so sorry from the bottom of my heart that your family has had to go through such pain. Know that there is peace in Jesus, and He does listen to you. Sometimes all He wants is for us to be honest with Him; He will honor that in some way. With much love in my heart for you and yours, Mandie from IL

h said...

Sending love and prayers your way, I feel it isn't nearly enough, but it's all I can do.

BlessedMommy said...

You are entitled to be angry. You are entitled to every single spectrum of emotions that flows through you. There is no "right" way to feel.

I grieve for you and pray for you every single day.

Neysa

Lauren said...

I still have anger. Yesterday was very hard for me as well. I sat up in Caleb's room and just cried. I don't know the answer to why our boys are gone from us, but I do know that they are safe and well, and each day brings us closer to seeing them again. Lots of hugs.

tsmbarnett said...

My heart is breaking for you, Jill! I cannot fathom what you are going through or feeling.
You are frequently in my thoughts and prayers.

caffeine said...

oh my...i was reading mompetition and followed the link to your blog. i have tears running down my face.
i will add you to my prayers and pray that God takes this pain from you.
i wish things had been different and you had your beautiful baby boy in your arms yesterday, today and always.
it is obvious that you were all blessed with a great love.

Michelle said...

God can take it. He is not fooled by our pretending to be thankful, He sees past our reluctance & putting on a happy face. may as well be honest with Him no matter what the truth is - because He already knows, and wants you to trust Him with the truth of your reality.

i will not pretend to understand your pain tonight. what i DO understand is the feeling of asking why so many around you seem to have it so easy while you suffer what seems to be an increasing amount without end. i am in NO WAY comparing my situation with yours... i know you'd probably much rather be in my situation. all i'm saying is that at 24, i'm about to face my 3rd major brain surgery in less than 2 years. i'm writing my will & talking to my medical team about what my wishes are if the coma they expect me to be in becomes irreversible. i have big questions. i have let "why?" pass my lips.

praying for you. that's all i can offer... it's the best thing there is.

Christine the ArizonaIntactivist said...

Oh Jill...I am so sorry for your pain...

Gracie said...

Jill, there are no words any of us can say to ease your pain, none. The "I'm sorry's" are really just empty words to you, even though our hearts break for you. We wish there was something, anything, we could do to ease your pain. We pray for you, tell our friends about you, and have our Churches praying for you. The majority of us have no idea how you feel, we have never experienced this pain. BUT. God knows how you feel. He knows exactly what it feels like to lose a Child. He knows what it feels like to lose a Son. He knows EXACTLY what you are going through. His own Son died on a cross. Your emotions and feelings don't take Him by surprise. He's not offended at "Why?". Even Jesus on the cross asked, "Why". I am praying for you my Friend. No, it's not fair, and it doesn't make sense, but I know that God has a plan and a purpose in all of this. There are countless people, including myself, who have been touched by you and Joshua. There are people who have come to know Christ as a result of Joshua's story and your Faith. Press on, my Friend, it won't be in vain. Love you MUCH!

 
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