Thursday, October 21, 2010

This may be hard to read....

This post is deeply DEEPLY personal. It is raw, and will probably be hard for some to read.

I want to share with you my memories from the morning that Joshua died. The details from that morning are what haunt me at night. I am seeking counseling for PTSD, but it is good for me to get it out....to talk about it...to share it with others....if it doesn't make sense, I'm sorry. I'm not going to reread it or edit it.

Wed. Oct. 6, 2010

My dad was coming to spend the day with me. I was tired of sitting around the hospital by myself, and had decided that I could really use some company. My dad graciously accepted to come down and spend the day with me.

He called me at around 7:40am to tell me he was on his way. He also woke me up. You see, I had stayed late at the hospital the night before, and I had planned on sleeping in that morning. After my dad woke me up, I decided to quickly get out of bed, shower, and get over to the hospital to spend some quality time with my little man before my dad showed up.

I got to the hospital around 8:15. When I walked past the window to Joshua's room, I saw that he was kicking his feet, most likely crying. I entered his room and sure enough, he was crying. I quickly put my bags down, and went to his crib. I picked him up and said "Good Morning my sweet baby!!! How are you today? I've missed you." I gently kissed his head, and he immediately calmed down. I rocked him in my arms for a few minutes as I continued to snuggle him.

After being there for about 5 mintues or so, his O2 alarms started going off. They were in the low 60's (which for an HLHS baby a O2 sat that low is not completely uncommon.) I watched it and didn't panic, because it usually popped back up to the low 70's fairly quickly. After a few minutes of it being low, i finally started to worry. Joshua was calm, and I didn't want to put him down. After another minute, the nurse came in and decided to turn up his oxygen. He was up at 90%. We watched him for a few minutes, and his sats kept going lower and lower.

He was still calm, and was not blue. We messed with the pulse ox some (it was known to not pick up very well, and it was not corelating very well with the heart rate- so we thought maybe it was a bit of a malfunction). By the time we were done adjusting his pulse ox, his sats were in the 40's. That is when his heart rate started dropping. It quickly went from a healthy 148 bpm to 110, 105, 100, 90......

The nurse saw that and immediatly yelled out Joshua's door for help. The doctor was in immediatly and I layed him on his bed. By that time, his breathing was labored, and he was extremely dusky in color and he was looking up at me with those beautiful eyes that were screaming at me "Mommy help me...help me!!!" I frantically tried to get the mobile off of his crib to allow the doctor full view of Joshua while she was working on him. She immediately started chest compressions and told me to leave the room.

I stumbled out of the room and made it only about 2 feet out of the door before I fell to my knees and started begging God for mercy. Somehow I knew that this was it. Joshua's sweet life was coming to an end.

The nurses called for the crash cart and a ventilator. People rushed passed me as I kneeled on the floor praying crying out to God. Finally a nurse came and got me and took me to the quiet room. She sat and talked to me for  a minute, quickly explained everything that was going on, and promised that she would come back and keep me updated. She told me that they had already given Joshua 1 shot of epinephrin (totally butchered that spelling.) and that his heart was beating with the help of chest compressions. She told me to call Shane and that she would be right back.

I called Shane and told him what was going on.I called my mom. I texted facebook and blogger to get people praying. I did the only things that I could do- spread the word so that prayers could be going up. As I talked to Shane, I told him that I felt like we were going to have to choose when enough was enough. He told me I was wrong, but I knew. I knew this was the end. (Thankfully, we never had to make that choice, Joshua made it for us.)

The nurse came back in and told me they were still working on him. They were still doing chest compressions, and that things weren't looking good. He was hooked up to the vent. They had given him another 6 shots of epinephrin and they had just a tiny pulse. I will never forget the look on that nurse's face. I will never forget the next words that came out of her mouth. She said "Jill, you need to come in and hold your baby."

She led me out of the room and back to Joshua's room. The room was packed with more people than I could count and it looked like a war zone. There were syringes all over the place, machines, wires, boxes, tubes, wrappers everywhere. They pulled up my recliner next to his bed and gently lifted Joshua's limp blue body into my arms as I sat down. I held him, told him I loved him, and prayed for him. I asked Jesus to heal my sweet baby in His arms. They turned off the machines, the vent, the monitors and Joshua was gone at 8:58am.

My precious baby that I had loved and fought for. He was gone. I sat in stunned silence- knowing that I would never see his beautiful eyes look up at me again. I asked the nurses to take the vent out of his mouth and to disconnect the tubes and wires. I asked for them to take all of the equipment out of his room. It was just me and him for a few brief seconds.

I knew I had to call Shane. By that time, he was already on his way down. I will never forget our brief conversation. I told him that Joshua was gone. Shane cried out, pleading with God. "NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!!" I told him that I was holding him and that I would hold him until he got there. I told him that I loved him and to please drive safely. The pain was unbearable. If I could carry the pain for him, I would have in a second. Seeing him go through it, and dealing with the pain of Joshua's loss was enough to almost kill me.

By the time I hung up with Shane the chaplain had come in. She asked if I wanted to be alone, and I told her I didn't. The nurses asked if they could call anyone for me and I gave them a few people to call. I sat with my baby, lifeless in my arms, and told him how good God is no matter what. I said it over and over and over. "God is still good sweet Joshua, God is still good." I prayed, I cried, I worshipped, I rocked my sweet baby.

I know this is probably hard for you to read. It's something that I relive every night before I fall asleep. I can't get the images of him dying out of my head. The images and thoughts and feelings are enough to make phsyically sick.

Writing is so deeply personal and theraputic for me, and the fact that I am able to write about it speaks volumes about my healing. Thank you for sharing this burden with me and for praying us through this.

79 comments:

Tina said...

I am so so sorry for your loss :( I can't even imagine :( Thank you for sharing.

Paula B said...

Thank you for sharing your heart, Jill. Love you very much.

Momma Chaos said...

I wish I could have your faith. You were right, it was very hard to read but I'm sure it was even harder to write.. Sending you love and hugs!

The Hoitsma's said...

Wow Jill that was VERY hard to read...but thank you so much for sharing that. I hope that 'getting it out on paper' helps heal even a little bit of your broken heart.

jana said...

Your words are so raw and touching. I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this, but as a mother who held her baby as he took his last breaths, I am SO GLAD you got to experience it that way. You felt him as he entered Heaven and will be able to take that with you, for better or worse, forever. He felt your love and knew that you would be ok.

I'm so glad you're seeing someone about PTSD. I did, too. And it was the best thing ever. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, Joshua's eyes were wise beyond his days. What a beautiful boy.

Much love to you and Shane.

Seams Inspired said...

Crying with you this morning and lifting you up in prayer. You are an incredible inspiration to me. Honestly, my head and heart can't even wrap around what you've experienced. I can't truly go there in my thoughts. I don't know that I could praise my God in that desperate moment. I almost daily pray to Him to please not test my faith that way. Thank you for sharing. (((HUGS)))

Jill said...

Thank you for sharing something so intimate. I admire you.

Jill in TN

Carrie Flynn said...

Tears falling for you now. Thank you for sharing all about your beautiful angel boy. Love to you.

Anonymous said...

I am so so sorry for all that you have been put though. From having a sick baby to watching him pass to being tormented by the intactivist community. I am so deeply sorry you had to weather such a awful storm. I am so ashamed to be part of a group of people that torn you down and your lowest moment. You are a Mother who rocked her child as he passed. What has this world come to where we hate on people at such a vulnerable time. You know who I am Jill..Ive helped you the best I can. I think your amazing and so brave to post such a personal moment. My heart aches for you and your sweet family...

Nickie said...

Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and heart-wrenching. It brought me to tears for so many reasons; and your faith is so uplifting. You and Shane have my love and prayers. God bless you both.

Kim said...

I admire that even after the loss of your son you were able continue to proclaim that God is good. It is a blessing to be a witness to your faith. **Prayers for a moment of sunshine today**

maryjo said...

I am crying with you right now. You will have your reward, just not right now. At the bema, the eternal rewards will overshadow anything and everything. It's hard though, I know.

Coates Family said...

I have never commented before I just recently came to your blog from the prairie mama, I have wanted to comment but no words ever seem adequate. I burst into tears this morning as I read your post. I am so sorry for your loss I wish those words seemed more adequate, I will be praying for you and your family.

Stefenie said...

Oh Jill. This was very difficult to read but I know that what I felt in reading this pales in comparison to what you feel having lived it.
I'm glad that you were given the opportunity to hold Joshua one last time and be there to rock him as he passed.
It is hard for me to find the right words to say after reading this and I know that it really doesn't matter. Nothing that I could say will make your pain be any less. All I can do is pray for you Jill and your family.

I hope the counseling helps. A heart mommy friend I know really well lost her son last year and she sought out counseling. It has really helped her to work through her grief. She too suffers from some PTSD.

amandadahmes said...

Im crying reading this. you are an amazing woman and a wonderful mother. I believe after reading this God made your dad call you when he did.. Had you get up and go see your sweet baby. God is Amamzing. he is our father and is crying right with you. He above all knows the pain you are going through. Your in my prayers and I think of you every day. <3 Thanks for sharing your Heart...

Bethany said...

I admire your strength to write this. Thank you for sharing. You are in my prayers.

melis said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I will continue to pray for you and your family. sending you love and hugs ~ melissa

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you were able to be there with your baby when he passed. I'm sure even though it was the most difficult moment of your life, it will also become the most treasured. The last thing Joshua felt was your love. That is a blessing.

I am so sorry for your loss. I think of you and your family every day. Even though we've never met, I worry for you guys all the time. You are loved, all 5 of you, by so many people. Hold on to that in the coming months.

Katie Smith

Dora said...

In tears reading this. My heart breaks for you. I'm glad you were there to comfort Joshua in those last moments. You are a strong, brave mama.

StrongRedheadedCherokeeMama said...

Oh Jill, what a beautiful story! It may be hard for you to see it now, but it really is... he waited for you, mama! he LOVES you so much <3 Joshua's love will carry you through!

Becca said...

Jill,

I know that you don't know me. And yes this is hard to read, but your words "God is still good" is what I keep coming back to. I cannot fathom, not iota, what you went/are going through right now. I will keep holding you and your family up in prayer. I hope that this helps.

ArizonaIntactivist said...

Thank you...

Lyndsey said...

Tears falling as I write this, and continuing to lift you up in prayer. Thank you for sharing, I hope this helps your healing process. God is good, all the time...

Erin said...

Oh Jill. I can't stop crying. My heart hurts for ALL of you. But as a couple others said, while that time is the hardest to think about now, it WILL become a cherished memory. Nothing is more precious than Joshua feeling your love at those very moments. Yoou all continue to be in my thoughts.

The McCammons said...

I know words can't really help at a time like this, but I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost two parents and I could never imagine the pain of losing a child. I wish I was reading your blog before beause I too would have sent out many payers, as I do now during your time of healing. May God watch over you and all your family. Your stregnth and unwavering trust and love in God are amazing!

Nikki said...

Jill...I am speechless. I am crying for you this morning. I am praying for you.

I believe that Joshua knew you two needed to spend some time together before he left.

I wish you didn't have to go through this. I wish NO parent had to go through this. Your faith is incredible and I firmly believe that is what's keeping your head above water right now. I don't know how people who don't believe survive something like this.

<3

Erin said...

Jill, once again my heart completely breaks for you and your family!! I'm fighting back the tears so much (as I'm reading this at work), I just cannot imagine the suffering you are going through!!

I continue to pray for you!!

Robyn said...

My foster baby passed away almost 4 years ago. I was there and loved him until the end and your post was so much like our experience was....I saw our own imagines replaying in my mind. So not to make this about me at all, but I guess I'm just trying to say I understand and how healthy it is to talk and write about it. There are things that I've never told anyone (even my husband) that still haunt me. Bless you, sweet mama as your heart greives. 1 Peter 5:10

Robin said...

thank you for sharing this with us. I hope it heped a little bit to get this out. Know that you and your family are in my prayers. I think about Joshua often.

RainbowW said...

don't be afraid to write what you need to, even if you're afraid it might disturb or offend someone. my sense is that you'll make it through. and your friends in the computer will be here while you trudge the path.

Heather said...

I am crying with you. Thank you for sharing this with us- I only wish it did help relieve the burden for you. You are blessed and you will be blessed even more.

CHD Fighter said...

Jill how powerful of you to know God is still good ... thank the Lord you repeated that to your son as he was most likely running into Jesus's arms ... you are powerful ... I'm crying my eyes out for you and your family ... I know Joshua is healed in Heaven but I know you as his mommy wanted him healed on Earth ... you are one of the strongest women I have ever not met ... I hope you realize how helpful this was to others who have lost their child ... I hope the heals your soul in any way it can ... and I hope you know that Joshua is so proud of you for being so strong not only for him but for your entire family ... I'm so sorry Shane could not be there to hold you during that moment ... I'm so sorry for your loss ... but grateful for your strength and faith in the Lord ... it makes me remember how lucky I am to be here 28 years later ... thank you for sharing this ... regardless of how painful it might have been ... you are a hero!!

Anonymous said...

I have followed your story for the last couple of weeks and have cried each time. I lost a little girl shortly after birth, I'm almost glad I didn't have a big fight, so I can appreciate how hard it is to hold your baby knowing there's nothing you can do for them and trying to find your place in life afterwards.

I'm from the UK and the subject of circumcision just never comes up so I have found it shocking joining parenting forums and finding out it is done. As a Christian and British woman I don't understand it. But I believe it's not my place to judge. I'm sorry you have had a hard time lately with people's reactions. Whatever the wrongs of RIC, you are still a grieving mother, they're two separate things.

I'm glad you have your faith to comfort you, I hope the knowledge that he is with Jesus brings you some peace. It does get easier, the pain never goes but you find a place for it, you'll find yourself changed and a fight in you - for me it's the awareness of a condition that's so common it causes most of pregnancy loss and complications yet not many doctors have heard of it - a life that you can dedicate to your son, a fight in his memory.

Stephanie, Daughter of the Risen King said...

I do not know. I can't understand. It would not be possible to imagine this grief if one has not experienced it. But I know it hurts, It is deeply deeply painful. I can't say the right thing and wouldn't try.

Joshua made a difference in my life, a HUGE difference. The loss burns. It is painful and it aches. It seems it will never end. I found myself increasingly at odds over how I NEVER want it to either.

I thank God for you and your willingness to be so transparent and to share your life and the life of your family with the world.
I thank God for your ability to communicate. If God had not given you these abilities, Joshua's life would not have made such a profound impact in this world. Selfishly, he would not have had such an impact on me.
Jesus Christ gave Joshua a beautiful eternal life for which I praise God for so often. I am not trying to patronize you or say the right thing. I know that you give God all of the Glory all of the time and I am just trying to do that also.
God gave you the ability to give the right words to Joshua's life and I praise Him for that and thank you for your obedience in doing so. By doing so, God gave me a window into the world of Joshua Haskins. Praise your name.

It can't be easy to live out the rest of your life with out being able to hold your dear sweet Joshua. The milestones are ever present. It is always the first something without Joshua, or the second. It must be so difficult. I won't pretend to know or detract from your emotions, pain, or right to grieve by pretending to know. I will do my best to remember your family in all of these milestones. There are ones that I will never think of so please remind me because I too never want to forget. The grief is hard, but bittersweet. The lessons have been life changing and I don't want to forget or miss even one. Please keep blogging. It helps you heal and it helps me learn. The fact is people do stop asking. It is hard to ask some one about their grief, not nearly as hard as what you have to endure. I would never be so bold as to think of myself first. Please share, share, share. I can't believe how selfless you are and I have the audacity to ask you for more of yourself. I am sorry for that. I am thankful for that. I am learning so much from Joshua’s life.
I love you.
I love Joshua.
I praise God.
I hurt.
I think of all of you often and lift you up in prayer for a dose of peace, healing, comfort, and LOVE from the only One who can give it to you.

Tristina said...

I've lurked on here a while, never really knowing what to say. But I've read every word and cried and prayed alongside everyone who did say something.

First off, I'm so utterly sorry that you have to suffer a loss of this magnitude. No one should ever EVER have to experience this.

And secondly, you are so brave to put this out there, especially in the light of the folks who have been attacking you.

I know what it's like to need to write to get it out. I also know what it's like to then submit that writing for total strangers to see it. It's like exposing your soul.

You are brave and you are loved.

And Joshua is looking down on you so proud of his mama. I know it.

Tara said...

I cannot even begin to imagine the weight you carry right now...Love and prayers continue for you. Thank you for the courage and strength to share such an intimate portrait of Joshua's life with us.

Carla Sue said...

Jill,

My sweet friend. I cry with you. I love you. I have no words to express how much I care for you and your family.

*hugs*

Anonymous said...

There are no words that I can say that would be right. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. Thank you for giving some of the burden to us and hopefully giving you some peace. I am so happy you were there for Joshua and able to hold him in your arms.

Rainy

Sara said...

Oh Jill, Thank you for sharing.
Some of the other commentors said it too, The first thought I had was yes, he was waiting for his Mama, and I believe that his eyes were telling you "I love you Mama, I love you."

Anonymous said...

I cry with you and I miss a baby I've never met I mourn with a family I don't know! Your sweet baby waited to say goodbye he was calm as the lord watched over him and his mama held him! He knew you were gently rocking him as god the father rocked you! Thank you for restoring my faith with tears in my eyes and a sadness I send love

baby foot fluff said...

even as you write about your deepest pain, you are caring for us as we read it. you are truly amazing. joshua was with his mama as he went on to heaven, what a great gift you gave him. tara

Mommy of 2 Boys said...

You are one brave mommy. I admire you. I don't know if I would ever have been able to write about it, but the more I think about it, I probably would, because like you, writing is therapeutic to me.
God Bless you all and may He give you strength and courage.

Lisette said...

Jill, oh goodness there are no words that I can say to ease your pain. You have me in tears because I could imagine what you went through that morning. ((HUGS))

The Sears Family said...

Jill,
I have written many posts to you, but I have never posted them. I struggle to find the right words.

I am a Mom of a special needs baby. I have felt your fear and your worries, but I have never felt your pain. I struggle with nightmares, the nightmares of my son having trouble breathing and leaving this world.
I have imagined what pain you must be going through and even that is to much. You are an amazing Woman, Mom, Wife, and Sister in Christ.

I am a Christian, I believe that Joshua is Jesus's arms walking those golden streets. That Joshua's big eyes that were filled with so many words & feelings for his Daddy, his Mommy and his brother and sister. I also believe when you meet in heaven that Joshua will some day tell you his great love for you. I am struck with grief for your family, and though it is not the way I prayed for God to heal Joshua, he is healed. And that alone is Amazing. God is Amazing.

Everytime I hop on this computer your family is on my mind and I wait for your posts. I am praying for your family.

Your strength through God is amazing and is healing.

Sincerely, The Sears Family

Shaun said...

I found your blog through all the drama after Joshua passed. I follow several other heart moms on Twitter and they were all crying out for prayers. So, I came over here to see what was going on. My heart was broken for you. I can't imagine facing all of that after losing your sweet baby. Reading this post breaks my heart in some ways and bolsters it in others. To go through what you have been through and to still have your faith amazes me. When I feel like my faith is being tested, I remember people like you. I think, "If they can keep their faith then so can I." So, thank you Jill for being strong. Thank you for keeping the faith. Thank you for helping me keep the faith. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.

danielle said...

My wish is that every one of your friends here could carry a little bit of your pain. I know by getting the words out you are allowing us to do that. Please Jill, let us carry some of your pain. Continued prayers for you and your family.

HennHouse said...

Continued prayers for continued healing.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sweet Jill
You have literally gone through a war in the battle to keep your little man alive and well. You have personally experienced the most gut wrenching and heart breaking experience one could go through in this life.....I hope you can seek help/counseling from someone and that you dont continue to suffer. I wish you peace, strength and hope in your journey of healing.

Veronica said...

Oh Jill, that was so hard to read, and I can't imagine writing it, or living it. I have held you in my heart and prayers, though it has been very hard for me to comment. I just don't have the words and I feel deeply for you as a heart mother. My baby is 1 month (HRHS) and I cherish him all the more because of you, Joshua, and your family. Your faith is amazing. I ask God to comfort your heart every single day.

Jayme said...

This brings me back to Elora's last day- the chest compressions, the epinephrine, calling my husband who was already on his way to tell him she was gone...

Thinking of you

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss! The way you lost him was so traumatic....I can only imagine how hard that would be to re-live over and over! May God bless you and your sweet family!

Wayne and Sue Rasmussen said...

Yes this was very hard to read Jill, but I am glad you were able to write about it so that we could share this experience with you ... sort of. None of us that haven't lost a child can truly understand, but any of us as mothers can certainly put ourselves in your place and imagine the excruciating pain of those moments.
May God bless you and Shane as you continue to worship Him through the days and weeks ahead.

Patty said...

He waited to tell you he loves you, to thank you for being his mommy, to say good bye and have one last snuggle.

Tara Collyer Photography said...

I can barely see what I'm typing as I am in tears after reading this post. But I'm sure that it was like a weight off of your chest to type it all out. I CANNOT imagine what you have been through and I know I've said it before, but I don't know that I could be like you in your time of grieving - still praising God. You and your husband are INCREDIBLE people and God is being glorified in your time of grieving.

Katie Delgado said...

Jill, your words are amazing. You will see Joshua again and God will let you know why. I pray for you and Shane and love you guys very much!!

Mummahh said...

how heartbreaking, so sorry for your loss and thanks for sharing.
xx

Lindsay Partridge said...

Jill, when the images and memories flood and overwhelm you, do what the nurse told you to do: hold your baby. Wrap Caleb and Hannah up in your loving arms, even if it means crawling into their beds at night. So many nights, your blogs and Joshuas story would overwhelm me and I would go get my son, Gus, out of his crib and snuggle him close. There is no greater peace or comfort than the bond between a mother and her baby (babies). Thank you for sharing this story... It was so hard to read, but it's also so powerful. Praying for you every day....
Lindsay (Baranowski) Partridge

lilsophie said...

Tears and prayers. May God hold you and your whole family close.

Ausmerican Housewife said...

This brings back the memory of holding my sweet baby Evan and having the nurses disconnect his breathing tube and head iv and ensuring us that his morphine was going in through his belly button iv and watching him die.

Watching my baby as he struggled to breathe on his own, watching his chest heave and hearing him make squeaky squawky raspberry like sounds as he tried to hold on. Over and over and over I told him "when you see Jesus, you run. Don't hold back, just run. When you see your sister, just run...."

We were surrounded by our parents, my husband's grandmother, his brother and his brother's wife (pregnant with our little niece). 2 nurses were with us. One of them was in charge as it was her first time doing a baby "disconnect" (as I called it). She'd assisted before but never done one as the head nurse. Her backup nurse was fantastic. As Evan was making his funny little noises, the more senior nurse told us "He must have a lot to say to you." I thought that was so sweet. Evan took 90 minutes to pass from my arms to Jesus and at times our nurses had to step outside to compose themselves. This was as difficult for them as it was for us.

Oh how I wish this wasn't so dear blm sister. Its a sisterhood I wish never existed. I like to think that Evan and Joshua are being little holy terrors running the angels off their feet with their little boy antics.

MPdaCNA said...

I can hardly see right now, tears of love, tears of sadness, I continue to pray for you guys. While your words are painful, there is so much love in them. You WILL see him again.

Amber said...

thank you for sharing your story. I am sitting here sobbing right now. I can't imagine what you are going through.

Aubrey said...

I found your blog from a midwife named Barbra (navelgazing). My heart is so broken for you and my desk is rained with tears for your bravery in writing this raw human experience for people like me.
Thank you. I am so sorry for your pain.

Three Ring Circus said...

I can only imagine how difficult this was for you to share. You are truly a strong woman Jill and I admire you greatly.

I send you my love and prayers!

Auntie M said...

Oh Jill, I'm speechless. I cannot imagine your grief...nor your emotions at that time & place. But thank you for sharing this intimate memory of your sweet son.
Praying for you & yours,
Mary

Barnmaven said...

Oh, Jill. Oh my. I can't imagine how it must have felt to have experienced that, to have lost your sweet Joshua, how it must hurt to relive it while writing this post. Crying and sending you hugs and prayers for peace.

Anonymous said...

Prayers to you. We lost Luke in the ER and it was horrible. I saw a lot of what you saw and it was tough...it still is tough. I think all of us who share this loss have a certain amount of PTSD and counseling does really help. I pray that you find some peace in knowing that you did everything that you could do for Joshua. He is safe and whole. God bless!

Bernie

Anonymous said...

Oh Jill,
How I want for you to have never felt the emotions you have felt. I too replayed the minutes, seconds every detail of the last hours with our son. I can still do it to this day. I wish that you understood that while "venting" this, as it were, you are helping so many people. Not only those who have lost a child, but those who have loss in their lives period. Talking about sorrow and grief allows us to heal just a breath, and helps anyone reading to understand that death is not the end of life; just life as we understand it. And while that may not ease your sorrow right this moment, your words have touched someone else, this someone in fact and I am sure others who need to hear that promise of eternal life revisited.

Your sorrow breeds strength and in doing so, it honors your entire journey with Joshua. It honors the love of a mother and a child. It honors you. And you my new friend, deserve it!

Douglas' Mom

Mellow said...

Sweet Jill, tears are flowing as I read this. I know your pain so well I'm afraid. What you write will help you heal. When you don't have the words to speak, the words you write here will aid in healing your heart little by little. I still see it all before I go to bed at night as well, it's in the quiet moments that it all is visualized so clearly every night. My husband had me start reading when I got in bed, to keep my mind on other things, and it really helped. I pray that with each night that passes you are able to reflect on the joyful moments and the hardest ones don't become what you see when you close your eyes. After 7 months I had hoped that I would be free of the burden of the hard nights, but they are still there, just not as frequent as they were before. I am so sorry you have gone through such a time of loss. Know that you are not alone. If you need someone to talk to who has been there, I am here. I am praying for you and your family.

chrissy funk said...

there are just no words for me to say to express my feelings.
oh jill :-(
i love you. im praying.
<3

Leah | heartbeat photography said...

I read this and cried and cried..I can't even imagine. I will be praying for your heart Jill.

I was wondering if I could share this blog on my foundation's page. It is called the HelloGoodbye Foundation. www.facebook.com/hellogoodbyefoundation
or
www.hellogoodbyefoundation.blogspot.com

If there is anything I can do for you to help remember Joshua, I would love too. :)

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss... My baby boy also died on October 6, 2010. I won't say I know what you are feeling because I will never know your pain... But I will say this, I will include your family and your baby boy in my prayers tonight! Maybe our boys will meet and play in heaven! If you need to talk or anything look me up on facebook. My name is Jessica Dupass.

Rachael said...

This is what really got me:

She said "Jill, you need to come in and hold your baby."

What a thing to hear... This is very personal, thank you for sharing it with us. Because you do, I am reminded to count my blessings and pray every day. Much love to you.

Perfectly Imperfect said...

I am so, so sorry you had to go through this. I can't even imagine.

This may not be the best time, but thank you for sharing. I can't tell you how much I thank you for reminding me to hold my baby a little bit closer and a little bit longer.. My heart truly breaks for you.

Anonymous said...

I have only just stumbled across your blog and read this post. I am in awe and amazement of your faith in God. To be able to "praise him in this storm" is such a strong witness that it brings tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing and it has strengthened my faith to remember that He is in control, whether good or bad.

Michelle said...

Thank you for sharing these very personal moments. I am so very sorry for your loss. I also cried and cried as I read your words. I hope and pray you find the comfort only God can give. From a fellow heart momma ...

tanniah said...

I started following your struggles about a month ago, and was so deeply affected by this post that I had to write and thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration to me, to be able to be so strong in your faith and your love, even thinking about your husband's pain when one would think the human heart had reached its limits.
There seemed to be no words to say here that are adequate, but I'm sure for every commenter here, there are hundreds more stunned wordless and praying for you and your family.

vendetta said...

God, I'm a total wreck reading this... I'm stunned by you, and Kirsten and so many others, for your faith, your surviving this. I pray for your family... I do not take one breath, one sound of my son for granted because I know how close we came to a similar ending. It's late at night and I cry and cry and cry reading your writings. Be blessed, I have your family on my heart tonight. I loved the photos of Joshua - what an amazing soul. My heart is with you.

Annie said...

I've composed myself enough to type, but I still don't really know what to say.


Please know that sharing this is making me, and I am sure others, be better parents because we are reminded how painfully short life can be. I thank you for that and I also hope that sharing helps you heal a tiny bit.

I will pray for you and your family.

Lindsey said...

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to understand your pain. I will keep your beautiful son in my prayers. God Bless you and your family.

 
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