Thursday, October 21, 2010

Healing words

The post below is deeply personal and i struggled to write it.

The hardest part for me was remembering Joshua's eyes as he looked up at me as we laid him on his bed. I was panicked at that moment and when I saw his sweet eyes for the last time, I felt like his eyes were saying "Help me mama, Help!"

Sara left this comment in regards to that post and it knocked me to my knees.
"Some of the other commentors said it too, The first thought I had was yes, he was waiting for his Mama, and I believe that his eyes were telling you "I love you Mama, I love you."

I love you Mama, I love you.

I loved that little boy more than anything. His eyes, that look right before he died has haunted me. Until now.

I love you Mama, I love you.


Sweet Sweet Joshua,

I love you more than anything. Thank you for waiting for me, and thank you for giving me the greatest gift I have ever received. Your love.

I love you Joshua, I love you.

Love,
Mama

Sara, Thank you so much for that comment. You have no idea how that affected me and how much peace that brought me. All I ever wanted was for him to know HOW MUCH I loved him while he was here. My heart is utterly and completely broken, but still so full of love for my sweet Joshua.

25 comments:

Robin said...

I thought the SAME thing when I read her comment, and I didn't pick up on that when I read your post. This is soooo proof that writing about your feelings and experiences is a good thing...look what peace you gained from one person's comment? It even gave me a little bit of peace as your reader, and I don't even know you. God bless. This blog is a wonderful thing. I am crying thinking about how he loved you and cherished his time with you.

Molly Alisa Photography said...

So beautiful.

I am so blessed to watch as God knits your heart back together Jill.

Mommy of 2 Boys said...

*HUGS*

ChristinaD said...

Crying and praying for you and your family. I am speechless at the pain and the amazing way God works to bring you to your baby right when he needed you there. You were there for your beautiful Joshua, as you always were. We will continue to pray for you, Jill.

Diana said...

Sara is absolutely right...

Joshua wasn't panicking or screaming or crying. He was just looking up at you.

If there was ever proof that God's love can transcend age or language, it was that moment. God allowed him to be calm through you. He knew he was loved completely here and he knew he was going somewhere to be loved completely. That is the only way to understand that peace...it surely surpassed all understanding.

As always, I am praying for you and your family. <3

SMHoitsma said...

Wow!!! Sooo BEAUTIFUL!!! I am still praying for you and your family.

Lisette said...

So so beautiful, big ((HUGS)) to you.

Jeremy, Censie & Jude said...

Hi there. I am a new follower so I am catching up on your last couple weeks. Wow. You truly are one strong woman that everyone should be honored to "know" and read about. God knew that you were strong - I am a strong believer in this phrase "God will never give you more than you can handle" God knew that your family was strong enough to get through the hard times and look to each other for love and support. Joshua is so lucky to have parents like you. I agree with Sara - he was waiting for his Mama to hold him. What an amazing journey you have ahead of you too. Much love and thoughts to you. I look forward to seeing what you become - GOd has a plan. I know it! :O)

Anonymous said...

Beautiful!!! (((Hugs)))

Rainy

Anonymous said...

Beautiful!!! (((Hugs)))

Rainy

Anonymous said...

What a lovely tribute to your precious son. He knows - and he knew even then - how much you love him. God told him when He chose you for Joshua's mom how much he would be loved. God used your father to wake you so you would make it to the hospital. God chose you to lovingly hold Joshua and hand him back to our Heavenly Father rather than having him go without your presence. In time, may you be granted peace and comfort to think of Joshua's last day as a loving experience - knowing how much you love him, and that he knew that love and held onto it as he crossed back to Heaven - and may the pain of the memories ease so that you feel peaceful.

melissa

Sonnie said...

I thought the very same thing when I read this. He wanted his mommy by his side. Bless your heart. Pray for you every single day. Sometimes a lot more.

Shawn Becker said...

Jill, I do not know how I found your blog , but I did and am so glad. you are an amazing woman and should be so proud of your ability to share such a heart wrenching story. Thank You! your love for God will carry you through this very difficult time and just know there are so many people praying for you and your family. For those that sent hurtful remarks- Shame On You!

ArizonaIntactivist said...

So beautiful...so so beautiful, Jill...

Deidre said...

Wow Jill... You NEVER cease to amaze or inspire me. We are all truly blessed by your words and I am SO thankful for the chance to speak with you today and can't wait to do so again!!! Much love & prayers to you and your family!

Princess in a Hoodie said...

I thought the same thing when I read that. He knew how much you loved him. He knew it. You are amazing Jill. Never doubt for one second that you did anything other than love and fight for that little boy. Sending love to you and your family!

StrongRedheadedCherokeeMama said...

Jill, you are so blessed!! Joshua's love is and will always be here for you! I am also SO excited for you that you are donating your breastmilk, it will help save other babies' lives!! you are a great person and a wonderful mama, not just for your own babies, but for all of our babies!!

StrongRedheadedCherokeeMama said...

p.s. i don't think that babies are ever afraid of death... i think that's something we get from our society... what's there to be afraid of? to them it just feels like going home... joshua just wanted to make sure you saw him and knew he was okay before he left! <3

Nancy said...

I understand your broken heart and my heart aches for you as I read your words. I've read your blog over the last several days and I want to offer you HOPE! I am what a heart mom looks like 30 years later. My precious heart baby, Joseph, died 30 years ago from HLHS. We didn't know until he was 3 days old that he had HLHS and at the time all of the HLHS babies died. It has been a journey of ups and downs and not a day goes by without me thinking of those piercing brown eyes looking up at me saying, "It's okay mom. I'm going to an awesome place to wait for you. Your life will be better because of me and you will be a better mom because of this journey. God loves you and so do I."

I am praying for you and your family and if you want to contact me...I would be honored to hold your hand through this journey. carson132@bellsouth.net

Don&Tina Foster said...

Jill,

This is Tina Foster - we met a couple of times at St. Vincent. We are expecting an HLHS baby in just a couple of weeks. I want you to know that we've been so blessed to know you and thank you so much for sharing every step of your journey. I'm so sorry to hear about Joshua. We were pulling for you and your family. Just know Jill that Joshua knows how much you love him and he knows that we were there for him every minute. Your family will be in our prayers and thank you again.

Sara said...

Okay, you Miss Jill are going to make me cry. I was sincerely touched that you emailed me yesterday/commented. I fretted over saying anything at all. I am humbled that God used me to speak comforting words to you. You and your family continue to be in my prayers.

Auntie M said...

Beautiful. The Lord definitely used Sara to whisper Joshua's words to you. So wonderful.

Tom and Alicia said...

Jill,
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine your pain - thank you so much for being such an open and honest testimony to those of us moms who haven't been there. The Lord is faithful and I thank you for letting Him shine through you, even in the midst of your pain. Your sweet boy loved you. As hard as it was, I'm so thankful you were able to be there holding him as he was ushered back into the Lord's presence. If he could have, he would have told you thank you. For the countless hours you spent by his side, for holding his tiny hand, for rocking him and for doing the very best you could for him. He would thank you for loving him so completely. He would thank you for giving him life. May the Lord continue to strengthen you and comfort you until you can hold him again.
Abundant sympathy...

The Lyon Family said...

I have loved your last several posts - so raw and true and full of healing. Something that I thought about when I was reading these is that I believe, with everything in me, that Jesus holds us in our last moments and eases all pain. As he's taking us to our eternal resting place he gently embraces us as we transition. Sweet Joshua was telling you that he loved you with those eyes of his - it was his only form of communication and it was his last effort to express gratitude for you, his mother, and to tell you that he loved you and was thankful that you were the one with him as he left this earth and entered heaven. Thank God that you were able to have those last moments with him and that your embraces that morning, the embraces that only a mother can provide, were his last sweet memory here on this planet. His time here was short, but his imprint was greater than he'll ever know. He's moved his family to places they've never known and he's moved complete strangers closer to God, through his mama's writing. God Bless you.

Anonymous said...

How can you claim to love a baby that you murdered? And murdered for the sake of your own sick sexual proclivities? Will you ever be able to look at a cut penis without thinking, "That's why I killed my baby boy?" How do you go on living? You are no different from someone who rapes and murders a child.

 
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