I smiled and laughed today. It wasn't my usual laugh, the kind that I throw my head back in hysterics- the smile was not one to reach my eyes, and there was no belting out a loud wail of a laugh from deep within my belly. It was a small laugh that felt superficial, but good all the same.
My 4 year old son, Caleb, is such a joy to me. He has always said things that are absolutely hilarious, and today was no different. (read here for some really funny caleb-isms) God had a reason for giving Caleb to me and Shane. He knew that he would provide us with entertainment and joy through his words. He said some totally off the wall, funny things today that brought a smile to my face and a breath of fresh air to my soul. That boy is amazing.
Also, my 2 year old daughter, Hannah, has been super snuggly and attached to me since I've been home (poor baby, missed her mama for over 7 weeks....). Her constant love and adoration for me just melts my heart. Any time someone tells her that they love her, her response is "NO! My mommy loves me!!!!!!!" And boy is she right. Her love and snuggles are just what my empty arms and broken heart need. God has provided.
Finally, I got a phone call that made me giggle. Once again, not the belly laugh that I usually have, and not the smile that completely reached my eyes, but a giggle all the same. The conversation went something like this.
Me: "Hello?"
Lady on the phone: "Hi Jill. How are your breasts?"
Me: "Ummmm.....ok?! I still have them....."
Lady on the phone: "Oh, this is ____, the lactation consultant at the hospital."
Me: "OHHHHHH!!!!!! Hi ________. So good to hear from you!!!"
The conversation continued on and ended like this:
Lady on the phone: "Alright Jill. Well, it was so good to talk to you, and I'm so sorry for your loss. But I just wanted to make sure your breasts were ok."
Me: "Thank you, _____. I appreciate it. Good to talk to you too. Good bye."
Thank you God for the small chances to laugh today. Thank you for providing for us in major ways. Thank you for comforting me in my deepest time of despair. You are present in our lives in a very real way and we rejoice that you have not forgotten us. God, Shane and I love you so fully and completely- and even though Joshua is not with us any longer, we praise and thank you for the 7 beautiful weeks we had with him. God, continue to work in our hearts. Continue to provide us with the support and love we need to get through these dark days. God, use Joshua's life and our heartache for Your Glory. Protect us from evil. We pray all of these things in Jesus' beautiful name. Amen.
28 comments:
Thank God for okay breasts. And other things.
Not every day you get a phone call asking how your boobs are.
Glad you smiled :)
Love you.
Praying.
It's awesome to hear you've had a better day :)Caleb and Hannah sound like adorable kids :p Love and prayers to you :)
I do believe that from now on with I call, I'm going to begin by asking how various body parts are doing...
"Hey Jill, how's your big toe today?"
"What's up Jill, is your armpit hair doing alright?"
"Hi. I'm wonderin' if your left ear lobe is okay?"
:) *hugs from me to you*
Glad you smiled today!
It's so nice that you can find some joy and laughter, however small.
I was thinking about you and your children today. I was wondering if maybe your church offers the Rainbow program? It's a program for children who are dealing with loss. It may help comfort you and the kiddos as well.
Lots of love.
A friend told me about all that you are going through and I wanted to reach out and send you some love and prayers. I am a fellow loss mama-our 2nd daughter was stillborn at 41 weeks gestation in 2007. I am also a Christian. I am also an intactivist, although to compare my beliefs with those treating you horrible is, as someone mentioned elsewhere, like comparing Real Christians with those Westboro Baptist Freakbags. Ew. I didn't circ my son and don't agree with it, but I cannot fathom EVER, EVER!!! saying the things people have said to you, and some of the things they have actually done, it's just unbelievable. I am so sorry on top of your grief, to have that extra layer of drama.
When our daughter died, 2 of my supposed good friends said things like "It is your fault because you didn't get induced" and "If you had done XYZ, she would still be here." Even though an autopsy showed it was issues that would have killed her after birth even if I had delivered earlier (no warning signs of this though). So I understand in a sense people judging and being jerk puddles. *hugs*
Wonderful to hear this! So it wasn't the usual "Jill laugh"... that's ok. The events of the past few days were so overwhelming, you can't expect it to be.
But it is a start.
Always;
Steve
The first smile is the hardest... they do get a smidge easier as time goes on.
All three of your children have angel faces!
"The person (your Caleb & Hannah) who can bring the spirit of laughter into a room is indeed blessed."
~Bennett Cerf
i am so sorry for your loss. there is nothing more frustrating than ignorance, and sadly there seems plenty of it around. let's hope these neanderthols have short attention spans and leave you in peace.
Jill, I never know the right words to say but I am addicted to reading your amazing blogs and praying for your family! Thank God for a little chance to smile :)
Neysa, Mason's mommy
Thankful to hear about how God is providing, even for smiles. Just wanted you to mow that I continue ton pray for you & your family.
Pretty cute! :) So glad you got to smile today! Praying for you that there are many more of those smiles in your near future!!!
LMAO. I can't believe I've ever had a conversation opened with "How are your breasts?" Maybe "Hey, nice breasts!" or "Woo hoo, nice rack" but never "How are your breasts?"
Priceless.
I am so glad you found something to smile about. Just the simple act of smiling can be healing.
Continuing to pray for you and your family.
First off, let me say that I am so sorry you lost your beautiful Joshua. Secondly, I'm glad you got a chance to laugh today. Thirdly, I've been following what has happened to you and there seems to be a rash of blog-bullying lately and I recently read two other bloggers comment on the hatefullness. here's a link to one
http://memoriesoncloverlane.blogspot.com/2010/10/regrets-bullies-and-how-much-mother.html
And the other (A mom blogger who has a similar painful loss in common with you.)
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2010/09/now-thats-just-
ugly.html
I'm sending you all the love in the world.
I so agree with "BlessedMommy". I am addicted to reading your blog. You might not have had a belly laugh, but I sure did, especially when reading some of the comments you have had. Later perhaps, when you go back and read this post and the comments, you will have that hysterical belly laugh of the past.
I am so thankful to hear that God is showing Himself strong on your behalf. We knew he would, didn't we? He is true and faithful, and His promises are never failing.
Love, prayer and hugs coming your way.
Sue
I love this blog. "How are you boobs?" lol... So glad you smiled. Lifting all of you up in our prayers.
Rainy
Jill,
I hopped over here from bowensheart - - what an amazing story you have. One of my good college friends lost her 2.5 year old son last week. He aspirated on his own vomit while sleeping and they found him in the morning. It is a horrible, horrible tragedy... but I've been reading blogs to find hope and encouragement (I also have a 2.5 year old son) and yours has given me that. Your children are such beautiful gifts from God and Joshua is blessed to be with our heavenly Father right now... just as I believe my friend's young son is. You don't mind those "people" - - - their comments and thrashing is about them and their junk, not you. You are an amazing mother and THE ONLY mother Joshua had. End of story. May God richly bless your family and I'll be praying for y'all.
I'm thankful for your moments of laughter -- we've gotten a few of those too (and I hope we get more soon). It's a weird place to be and very empty-feeling. I hope you get more of those, and I hope that whatever you're feeling and however you're grieving, you have the space for exactly what you need: laughter, tears, screaming, kicking (or is that just me??), or yelling at the top of your lungs.
I love you, Jill.
Just learned of your loss. So sorry my heart breaks for you. I lost my Joshua 1 year ago. Blessings of love and peace to you. Kappy
I'm smiling because you've smiled. I'm just so happy about that.
Your faith inspires me and for that I am also happy.
Thank you for sharing.
Hi Jill, I don't think I've actually left any comments yet, but I have started to many times. Your family has been in my heart and in my head constantly, esp. yesterday as I celebrated my son's first birthday - I couldn't stop thinking about how much I live him and how completely and totally unbearable it would be to lose him. It's beyond horrible that ANYONE should have to experience such a loss :'(
I am a very, very passionate intactivist and I want you to know that I am deeply sorry for any pain or confusion or anger some people may have caused you in the name of ending infant circumcision. The very purpose of our cause is to end needless suffering and it breaks my heart to read your posts and see that you are indeed suffering in a way most of us will never imagine :'(
I believe that some of the hurtful people are actually pro-circ activists posing as intactivists to further thier own agenda, which makes me sick. (I have witnessed this before many times, sometimes even using my name!) but I have no doubt there are also those who are misguided in thier methods of ending this practice, thier judgement clouded by their anger over their own personal experiences with pain and suffering from infant circumcision.
I wish you the best, I wish peace for your family and for Joshua's beautiful soul.
Your blog was brought to my attention by another and I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the pain and loss your family is experiencing. I'm glad you were able to smile, even for a moment.
Love and hugs from my heart to yours.
I found out about your story through twitter friends, and let me express my deepest sorrow for our loss. My husband lost his 7yo son in 1994 while waiting for a heart/lung transplant due to a CHD. While he does miss him every single day, the pain lessens, but the memory holds true and strong and the love does nothing but grow. No matter the amount of time you had with your sweet little one, he felt your love and knew he was loved. My husband too maintained his faith throughout the ordeal and still has it today. Your faith inspires me to be a better person. Bless you, your family and of course your son, Joshua.
I'm very glad your breasts are ok ;)
In all seriousness though, that's awesome that she called. I remember freaking out after Elora died because after pumping for her for the nine weeks she was alive, I pretty much stopped cold turkey while we sat vigil by her side on her last day. By the time she was gone and we'd gotten back to the Ronald McDonald House, I thought I was going to explode. I didn't want to feel that physical pain on top of the emotional, but I also had this huge aversion to that stupid pump...
I often think that my other kids were my saving grace- they kept me from being sad all the time. It's hard not to smile and laugh around little ones that you love so much :)
Thinking of you...
Oh my! That one made me giggle! Not a call you get every day. Glad God has provided comfort, snuggles, love, and an odd giggle for you!
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