Thursday, October 14, 2010

It's not about me.

I have been told over and over that I am strong- that my grace and strength is amazing.

I want to tell you something.

I did not chose this path.

If we were looking to adopt, we would have never considered an HLHS baby- we would have never chosen Joshua. (brutally honest and awful, I know.) (and just for the record, we LOVE Joshua and would do it all over again for him. We thank God for giving Joshua to us and loved him more than anything)

We did not chose these trials.

I have not had a choice in where our life has taken us.

I have strength- yes, but it is not mine.

I have grace- yes, but it is not mine.

I have peace- yes, but it is not mine.

You have not seen me cry so hard that I have hyperventilated.

You have not heard the words fly out of my mouth and across my mind when I read comments saying that I should be charged with manslaughter and that we deserved for my son to die. You have no idea the anger that stirred in my heart and in my mind.

You have not heard my conversations with God, telling Him how angry I am that he would take my His sweet baby from me. (You see, Joshua was never mine to begin with- he was God's from the very beginning)

I am nothing but a human who loves God with every fiber of my being.

I did not choose this path. But God has brought us here. I have no choice other desire than to be obedient.

My God is a good God.
My God loves me us more than anything. (enough to sacrifice His Son for me us.)
My God hears my our cries, feels my our pain, and holds me us close when I we can no longer be strong.

He is my Strength, my Grace, my Peace.

It's not about me. It's ALL about Him.


27 comments:

Gucci Mama said...

Such moving words you speak. I admire your conviction and the way you cling to faith.

Jodee said...

I have nothing to say that I know you have not heard before. But I pray for you and your family and I hurt with you. When the Body hurts we all hurt. I am thankful that this has driven you to God and not away from Him. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. May God wrap his loving arms around you. xoxoxo

Michelle Lewis said...

I hear ya. I'm going through the same thing as you right now, and if one more person tells me "You're so strong, I couldn't got through what you are...", I'm going to show them how little strength I really have. It's not my strength that gets me through each day, it's God's.

sidsmom2mickey said...

Oh sweetie. *hug*

It bothered me as well whenever people say I'm strong. I keep pointing them to God as my source. Without Him, I wouldn't be here.

Praying for you, <3

The Lyon Family said...

Amen, Amen, AMEN!

Latinalonestar said...

I can't imagine what kind of person would say those words to you! People can be downright nasty. I hope you don't stop for one second to consider such sheer idiocy. Wishing you healing!
-Jen Coias-

-

Nickie said...

He is using you for His glory-- your faith is a testament to that!

HipMama said...

I love you, O Lord, my strength.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;

my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.

He is my shield and the horna of my salvation, my stronghold.

I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,

and I am saved from my enemies.

The cords of death entangled me;

the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

The cords of the graveb coiled around me;

the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called to the Lord;

I cried to my God for help.

From his temple he heard my voice;

my cry came before him, into his ears.

Psalm 18

Prayers and love are coming your way, Mama. Lean on God, and He will be your strength. When you have nothing left to give, turn to God and He will give through you. When you are so weary you can hardly stand, fall back on God and he will see you through.

CHD Fighter said...

AMEN! I'm sorry you have even had to deal with anything ... I'm a CHD Survivor and while I know no parent would ever choose this for their child ... I do take comfort in the fact that my parents would do it all over again and again for me :) Praying for you!!!

Shin Ae said...

Yes. Remembering your family in prayers today.

Anonymous said...

Jill and Family


I feel the need to say this to all the people slinging about hurtful words to this Momma and Family...And hear me loud and clear...

" Let he who is with out sin cast the first stone "

No-one, not one single person on this wonderful planet has ANY authority to judge this woman! The only person who has that authority is God. How dare you place yourself above his Holy Authority!

Our Father gave this family and this world Joshua with a plan already set in stone. We were never meant to have this angel for a long time but in that time he was given to his Mother for a reason and with that she was faced with decisions and choices. She used the information and her faith she was given and she made the best choices she could, she worked with what she was given.

How dare one soul judge her! Shame on you. In this life we are all given the same rules to follow, we are also given the gift/curse of free will/choice. Just because you choose a different path than this woman does NOT make you better than her or her choices. She did the best with what she was given. Put your self in her shoes and just imagine all the hurt pain and worry she faced daily, always having to make choices. No one knows her thoughts, pain and even shame at the end of the day. It puts a new definition to the word overwhelming.

She cried, wished, worried, debated, prayed and spoke to our Heavenly Father probably hourly. How dare any of us judge her!!! For NO ONE ON THIS EARTH IS WITH OUT SIN AND THE ONLY JUDGE OF US IS GOD!

Jill, as my Sister in the family of our Lord I stand next to you and send warm prayers for your peace and that someday you find solace. I cannot and will not judge you for I too sin. Weather I circumcise my boys or not is not the issue nor really a valid point in this situation. With in the family of God I have been taught to forgive and that am not the one to judge you. Find peace my Sister in Gods sweet words and feel his love wrap around you. You have my love during this difficult time in your life and one day I hope you receive some quiet.

My Comment may be posted as Anonymous but my Name is Jennifer, I am a Mother to a 5 year old boy and a 6 Month old boy. I will not hide behind the name "Anonymous" because I am NOT ASHAMED to stand by your side. It is my duty as a Child of Christ to stand by my fellow Brothers and Sisters in the Family of God. Jesus himself was forsaken by his follows in his time of need and I have learn though his teaching to know better..

Peace be with you Sweetheart, the hurtful words will stop and you will soon be left alone but until than, know you are not alone, you have many standing by your side in support and right now you are being carried in the loving arms of the Lord. Please read this below.

Footprints in the Sand.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.


He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

With Love and undying Faith
Jennifer
XOXOXO

Dawn said...

To be perfectly honest, while I do believe in God, I'm not sure where I stand on "being a Christian".

However, I do know that it is very easy to trust in God when things are good. Reading your words & seeing you struggle yet still trust God, gives me hope that one day, I may be able to put my total trust in God.

I feel that your honest, soul-wrenching testimony might bring more people to God than any of the flowering "God is good" words a lot of people use. (Please, I'm not knocking that, just explaining from the point of view of an unsure of my faith person.)

Please know that my thoughts are with you & your family.

Amy said...

I cry almost every time I read your blog these days and I'm continuing to pray for you and your family. Your writing is so honest and real and I am so -- "happy" isn't the write word -- perhaps "appreciative" that you're sharing this part of yourself with us. I have never lost a child after birth, but I did lose five pregnancies in the process of trying to build our family and I have to be honest: I would get so mad at God whenever I lost a pregnancy. It took time for me to step back and realize that God always knows what He's doing and His plan is perfect, even if it's not "my" definition of perfect. To see you continually honoring God is inspiring and I know He's working through you. You're touching my heart.

Kathie said...

Amen! People tell us how strong we are for everything we went through with Amelia. I think neither of us really know what to say, because they think we're giving us a compliment. There isn't really anything that special about us. The only thing is that we have really great friends and family to lean on. We just did what we had to do, because what else were we supposed to do?

Still praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Jill and family —

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and for the hurt that others have caused you. You're son and you're story have truly, truly touched my heart, and given me personal strength at a time I needed it. Thank you for sharing this story and chapter of your lives with all of us and for sharing your love and belief in God with me as well. I pray to God that he continues to bless you and your family, and help you through the continuing days, months and years. Continue to hold dear to each other and God for he will see you through.

Prayers to you all,

Katie

Anonymous said...

I am not religious, but I do know the pain of losing a child. You have some extremely painful days and months ahead of you. I hope you find the peace to grieve and mourn in any way your heart needs too.

Mel

ArizonaIntactivist said...

Thank you for your words, Jill...

Debi said...

I cried as I read this. Thank you for such powerful words.

Lisette said...

Such a beautiful post.

Barnmaven said...

I am a confirmed Episcopalian. In the Common Book of Prayer, which contains all of the forms used in our services, the renewal of Baptismal vows and the Confirmation vows, have a series of responses to questions the priest or bishop asks.

The response to each question: I will, WITH GOD'S HELP.

I love that acknowledgment that there is nothing that we can do of our own power, but that everything is possible with God.

Hugs to you, and continued prayers.

Anonymous said...

Every time I hear the lyrics to this song I am reminded of you and Joshua. I am so inspired by your love for God while grieving the loss of your sweet baby boy. You have shown time and time again your ability to trust and show grace. It's always much easier to say you love and trust Him when times are good, but it is a whole lot harder when something devastating happens. Your willingness to praise him during difficult days is a true testiment to your character and your faith in Him.

"Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth


May God give you peace and strength Jill. You are inspiration to others to "walk the walk". I never thought that I would be forever changed by a blog written by someone who I had never met, but it has happened. My heart has been broken, humbled and and recommitted to following Christ. You have taught us all so much, thank you for sharing Joshua. His little toes have left a huge footprint on my heart!
Much love,
Melissa

MPdaCNA said...

Praying for your family.

Megan said...

Amen. All Glory goes to God.
Prayers and blessings to you...

Shannon said...

You are amazing. I am praying for both your family and Shaun.

Melissa said...

In the past few days I have read your entire blog and Joshua's life has truly touched me. As I have read, I have prayed many times for you and your family. I don't understand what you're going through but I do care.

The McCammons said...

Your stregnth and love in God is such an inspiration. The only thing I can say is that I will pray for those that are horribly mean and judgemental towards you and your family.

Lindsey said...

I lost my son, Kenneth, to HLHS in April of 2007.

I remember those days too well. It is normal. You will feel like you're going crazy some days. You're normal to feel it. You'll rant, rave, and scream at God some days. He can take it; I'm willing to bet He understands.

As you walk this journey of grieving, know that there will be a day where you get up and realize that you didn't wake up crying in the middle of the night. Then maybe you'll go to bed on another day, and realize you made it through a whole day without breaking down. The pain never goes away, but you learn to live with it. The random bursts of grief will still come, but they will come less often. You never forget, but you're able to remember without feeling only excruciating pain.

To those that are saying those awful things to you: How dare you!? What kind of a person says those things to a mother who has lost her child? You are lower than dirt if you are a person who will kick a grieving mother while she's down.

I will never understand

 
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