It's a memior type of book- a story of our struggles, our triumphs, and our will to continue on. It showcases God's faithfulness to our family despite my lack of trust.
As I've been thinking about the words that I want write and the story that I want to tell, a few words continue to be at the forefront of my mind- words like, bravery, resilience, survival, desperation, and unwavering love. I believe, those are all words that can accurately describe what we have been through.
However, there is another word, a much more powerful word, that my mind and my heart continue to come back to. It is a word that, now that our journey with the difficult things seems to be somewhat over, God has been calling me to do.
Surrender.
The grief and the anxiety that I have been feeling lately have been completely overwhelming. I have been exhausted by life. There is so much going on, and so many emotions that I'm trying to take control of, that my life has become complete chaos.
I can't do it anymore, and I feel God saying to me, "Come. Surrender these things at My feet. This is not yours to carry."
I've been afraid for 2 years. I've been afraid that people would forget Joshua. I've been afraid that tragedy would once again strike our family. I've been grasping at anything that has the potential to give me rest. But in the mean time, I have been exhausting myself trying to find the "cure" for my sadness and pain.
I cannot do this myself. I cannot force others to remember Joshua. I cannot force others to continue to grieve with me. I cannot force myself to get over the grief and pain. Those things are not within my realm of control.
Joshua's life was for a purpose. That purpose was not for me to dwell on him. That purpose was not for me to make a mess out of my life because of the sadness of losing him. God had a very specific purpose for the time he was here. I can't keep forcing his life to be something that it was not intended to be.
I have to turn back to God. I have to surrender these things to Him. I want nothing more to be healed and whole again.
I have to give Joshua back to The One who created him. I have to give my guilt and my pain to Him and let him bring beauty back into my life. I have let it go. I have to let it go.
Letting go is scary. There is no guarantee that people will remember Joshua. There is no guarantee that tragedy won't strike again. Letting go means letting the pain go- which in my humanness brings a sense of guilt. I don't' want to let my baby go.
But it's time. The pain and the grief will always be there. My love for Joshua will always be there. But, I have to give it to God. I have to let him bring His glory down and I have to let Him provide a way to healing. I can't do it on my own.
It's time to close this chapter of my life and let God begin a new chapter.
8 comments:
{{{Jill}} Look how strong, in God, you are now? Praising God for being with you, and me, and all the other heart angel moms....He is big enough!
AMEN!!! This is such a good reminder to all of us Jill, and thank you for being so open with your journey. It's been amazing watching you grow into the strong woman you are... we always think of being able to "handle" things as being strong, but I'm a firm believer that sometimes it takes a stronger person to let go than it does to hold on.
*hugs*
Amen, and thank you so much for sharing. I know that I will not forget your little angle, or you and your family. Will continue to pray and pray that God watches over you all!
I will also never forget Joshua. His birthday is my aunt's birthday(and Madonna's!), so it will be hard to forget. :p
I met Joshua and I will NEVER forget him.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am so glad that you are following God's call and writing the book. I pray that God will use you in a way that will encourage others. I never met Joshua but I will NEVER forget him. I love coming and reading your blog. I have watched you grow over the last two years and its been amazing. Blessings!
My dear friend,
Your words here evoked the memory of a book I read 15 years ago...The Power of Brokenness. (http://www.alibris.com/booksearch?qwork=9045494 apparently there is a new book out by the same name & this one doesn't appear to be published any longer)
Being broken & surrendering to God are both terrifying & empowering at the same time. The terror comes from our own humanness--that fear of giving up control; the power is all God's--and what a sweet thing it is!
Your journey (and your openness about your journey) continue to touch & amaze me. It also has brought continued healing and softening of my heart toward God. A long story I can tell you about some time--I never fell away from God, but I never felt as close as I once had: when I read about your life & your grief & your sweet Joshua, I can hear God whispering in my heart, too. Thank you (and Joshua) for that.
Please rest assured, that you don't need to stand guard over Joshua's legacy. It is safe in God's care. He will not be forgotten, his name will be spoken, and there will be a line of us waiting to meet him when we make it to heaven. (Yes, you get 1st dibs!)
I look forward to reading your book. You have a writer's talent combined with a provoking story. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Love you, Jill!!!
~M
PS~I used to do copy-editing ages ago if you need assistance of that sort.
Oh, I just happened on your site as I am a new blogger...your family is beautiful and we have something in common, we both had to say goodbye to a sweet baby and hold on to the hope that we will see him again...I'm still holding on to that hope that I will see my Luke again. For now, He is safe in Jesus' arms. I'll be praying for you in your writing a book, I share that in common with you, too. I've been working on mine for about a year now. I am thankful to have met you, at least through the blogoshere...
http://themommyhaven.blogspot.com/
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