I've been working on writing my book.
It's a memior type of book- a story of our struggles, our triumphs, and our will to continue on. It showcases God's faithfulness to our family despite my lack of trust.
As I've been thinking about the words that I want write and the story that I want to tell, a few words continue to be at the forefront of my mind- words like, bravery, resilience, survival, desperation, and unwavering love. I believe, those are all words that can accurately describe what we have been through.
However, there is another word, a much more powerful word, that my mind and my heart continue to come back to. It is a word that, now that our journey with the difficult things seems to be somewhat over, God has been calling me to do.
The grief and the anxiety that I have been feeling lately have been completely overwhelming. I have been exhausted by life. There is so much going on, and so many emotions that I'm trying to take control of, that my life has become complete chaos.
I can't do it anymore, and I feel God saying to me, "Come. Surrender these things at My feet. This is not yours to carry."
I've been afraid for 2 years. I've been afraid that people would forget Joshua. I've been afraid that tragedy would once again strike our family. I've been grasping at anything that has the potential to give me rest. But in the mean time, I have been exhausting myself trying to find the "cure" for my sadness and pain.
I cannot do this myself. I cannot force others to remember Joshua. I cannot force others to continue to grieve with me. I cannot force myself to get over the grief and pain. Those things are not within my realm of control.
Joshua's life was for a purpose. That purpose was not for me to dwell on him. That purpose was not for me to make a mess out of my life because of the sadness of losing him. God had a very specific purpose for the time he was here. I can't keep forcing his life to be something that it was not intended to be.
I have to turn back to God. I have to surrender these things to Him. I want nothing more to be healed and whole again.
I have to give Joshua back to The One who created him. I have to give my guilt and my pain to Him and let him bring beauty back into my life. I have let it go. I have to let it go.
Letting go is scary. There is no guarantee that people will remember Joshua. There is no guarantee that tragedy won't strike again. Letting go means letting the pain go- which in my humanness brings a sense of guilt. I don't' want to let my baby go.
But it's time. The pain and the grief will always be there. My love for Joshua will always be there. But, I have to give it to God. I have to let him bring His glory down and I have to let Him provide a way to healing. I can't do it on my own.
It's time to close this chapter of my life and let God begin a new chapter.