He has been working on my heart in ways that I could have never dreamed of.
Remember the post about letting go?
It's been a painful process, but I can honestly say that my hands are open and I have fully given Joshua back to God. I have trusted Him with my baby boy, and I am truly ok with God's plan for Joshua's life.
I've found freedom in God's sovereignty over my life and my children's lives. I've realized that God's plan was not to hurt me through Joshua's death. These past 2 years of floundering around, trying to figure everything out on my own have exhausted me. They have left me empty, full of anxiety, and unable to function. They have left my children and husband with a mother and wife who has been less than desirable.
But I'm free. I'm free from the excruciating pain and grief. Yes, the sadness is still there, but it's not overwhelming and consuming me like it has been.
Every morning, I wake up and God gently reminds me of the burden that is His and His alone. It's no longer my burden to carry. I am free from it!!!
Even better- I have prayed every day for almost 2 years that God would take the anxiety from me.
After I chose to give up the life of grief and pain, God spoke to me. I can't explain how or why, but I felt deep down in my heart that He told me that I have been healed. The anxiety is no more. I felt Him telling me to throw my anxiety pills away. Something that I really didn't want to do, just in case.
However, every morning, I wake up and feel him gently reminding me that I've been healed. And you know what, I believe it.
When I put Luke to sleep at night, I don't have to check on him every 5 minutes like I used to have to do. I've been able to check on him without feeling panic well up inside me as I make my way upstairs to his bedroom.
I've been able to see him with blue-ish tinted lips after a bath as he is trying to warm up from the cold air while we get him dressed- all without panic taking over and being ready to run him to the ER.
I have not had a single panic attack over the past 2 weeks- something that happened quite frequently. I have felt ZERO anxiety at all.
I don't know why or how God chose to heal me. I don't' know why it took me two years to get to this point, but I wake up every day feeling like the chains of grief and anxiety are broken and I'm finally FREE!!!
In just 3 days, we move to our new home. We will leave this life behind. This chapter in our lives truly is over. Joshua will always be a part of our life and our story. He will always be my child. I will always feel sadness knowing that I didn't get to see him grow up- but it's no longer my burden to carry. I trust in God's plan and I'm excited to see where He takes us in the future.
4 comments:
Praise God, Amen! I'm so happy for you, tears of happiness-happy. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so excited for your move this week! Enjoy every minute of chaos that comes along with moving!!!!xoxoxoxox
God is indeed good to His precious ones! And that is what you are to Him: precious.
I know just what you mean about something painful being a part of your story without consuming you.
Now Joshua can be a part of your life & story in a positive way that only comes from God. Of course you'll always miss his pressence here but you'll forever carry the knowledge & the hope from such knowledge that you will see him again...and in the meantime he is in the glorious Presence of God.
Your new home is truly going to be a new starting place for you...so thrilled! Give Joshua a place of remembrance & honor there as he is always part of your family & the kids need to know that...but live life large able to take deep breaths, filling your lungs with freedom.
I rejoice with you, knowing Joshua will never be forgotten, but that your heart can dance after the mourning period has lifted.
Love you!!!
Wow, this is such an exciting post. I have felt God gently nudging me lately. But I can't let go of my little girl yet. Haven't got that one figured out yet. I know it's coming, one day. But for now my broken heart is still so much a part of my love for Eva. I'm glad you have found that freedom.
Jill, I just saw this post and I am so incredibly HAPPY for you! Joshua will never be forgotten, we will all remember him and your/his story. He has touched many, and I am thrilled that you have found healing and peace! God is good!
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