This kid makes my heart hurt.
I knew that having another baby would bring healing to me after Joshua died. I knew having another baby would open my heart to giving and receiving more love.I knew that having another baby would complete our family.
But, I had no idea how much I needed Luke.
I've never shared his birth story publicly. I probably won't. Not because I have anything to hide, but because it was such a beautiful experience for me. It was such a normal experience compared to the birth of Joshua. Without sounding too hokey, it was a holy experience- bringing healing to my heart in a way that only God could bring.
And ever since his birth, Luke has brought healing, light, and love to my life in a way that I never expected him to.
I knew, after Joshua died, that I needed another baby. I knew that this baby would never replace Joshua, but that I needed to have a normal pregnancy, birth, and newborn experience. I needed to be able to bring a baby home one more time. I needed to be able to nurse a baby, one more time. I needed to be able to rock, snuggle, and care for a baby, one more time. I needed to be able to stand up and say, "I survived. I'm still standing. I'm moving forward."
Little did I know that I needed Luke. I needed his first smiles. I needed his cries. I needed his giggles, his grunts, his snorts, and his dirty diapers. I needed his snuggles and his hands on my cheeks. I needed to nurse him and to see him asleep at my breast. I needed the frustrating nights of never ending crying and the sleepless nights that leave me exhausted and grumpy.
I am typically not a very sentimental person. I don't like cliche sayings or sentiments. But Luke makes me appreciate every little thing about him. There is something special about a new baby after having a loss like ours. There is something special about a baby that will be your last child. There is just something about this baby that brings me joy and healing in a way that I have never experienced it before.