Last July, I wrote a post about the empty field next to the funeral home that we had to take Joshua to.
If you didn't get a chance to read it, or don't remember it, please read it here.
That field has been on my mind and in my heart for a long time. I have hated that field. I have hated everything that it stands for in my mind. Emptiness, sadness, death, growth, pain, loneliness, rest.
During the time that I wrote that post, I couldn't find God. I felt like He was nowhere to be found. I felt like He was the furthest away from me that I have ever felt Him. I felt like He had abandoned me.
Those things were the furthest things from the truth.
It was at that point in my life that I believe He was allowing me the space I needed to be angry. He was allowing me to process the death of Joshua. He was preparing me for another death in my very near future.
I claimed that I needed Him, but at that time, I needed to figure a few things out. I needed a break. I needed rest. And like a good father does with his child, He let me rest, undisturbed, when I needed it.
But, here I am. Almost a year later. Still thinking of that damn field.
My life is different again. My dad is dead. My mom has moved out of that subdivision next to the field. We have another child. We are moving to a new city, again, in the very near future. I don't know if that field growing a crop this year or not. I don't really care.
My life is not that empty field any more.
Seeds have been planted. The skies have opened up and provided the nourishment I have needed to start growing again.
The Farmer has come and provided what I need for a plentiful harvest this fall.
The growing within myself is slow. The growing is hard work and it exhausts me. I face undesirable weather, weeds, and rodents that come and threaten to ruin my crop. But He is there, grounding me. Providing me with a way to grow.
In the process, I am trying to remain obedient. I long for nothing more than to glorify Him through my life. I want Him to have a plentiful harvest when the time is right.
So, I continue on. Growing. Learning. Trusting. Following.
The seeds have been planted. The field is no longer empty. Now, I continue to wait.