Thursday, May 24, 2012

Empty Field- Part 2

Last July, I wrote a post about the empty field next to the funeral home that we had to take Joshua to.

If you didn't get a chance to read it, or don't remember it, please read it here.

That field has been on my mind and in my heart for a long time. I have hated that field. I have hated everything that it stands for in my mind. Emptiness, sadness, death, growth, pain, loneliness, rest.


During the time that I wrote that post, I couldn't find God. I felt like He was nowhere to be found. I felt like He was the furthest away from me that I have ever felt Him. I felt like He had abandoned me.

Those things were the furthest things from the truth.

It was at that point in my life that I believe He was allowing me the space I needed to be angry. He was allowing me to process the death of Joshua. He was preparing me for another death in my very near future.

I claimed that I needed Him, but at that time, I needed to figure a few things out. I needed a break. I needed rest. And like a good father does with his child, He let me rest, undisturbed, when I needed it.

But, here I am. Almost a year later. Still thinking of that damn field.

My life is different again. My dad is dead. My mom has moved out of that subdivision next to the field. We have another child. We are moving to a new city, again, in the very near future. I don't know if that field growing a crop this year or not. I don't really care.

My life is not that empty field any more.

Seeds have been planted. The skies have opened up and provided the nourishment I have needed to start growing again.

The Farmer has come and provided what I need for a plentiful harvest this fall.

The growing within myself is slow. The growing is hard work and it exhausts me. I face undesirable weather, weeds, and rodents that come and threaten to ruin my crop. But He is there, grounding me. Providing me with a way to grow.

In the process, I am trying to remain obedient. I long for nothing more than to glorify Him through my life. I want Him to have a plentiful harvest when the time is right.

So, I continue on. Growing. Learning. Trusting. Following.

The seeds have been planted. The field is no longer empty. Now, I continue to wait.


7 comments:

Heather said...

Wow - just Wow!!! Where do you find the words? This post is amazing - thank you!!!

<3 sending much love <3

Heather said...

Actually, I know where you find the words ... He is feeding you and you in turn are spreading His words in ways that are truly touching and I know He is so very proud of how far you have come and where you are headed and I am proud of that He has led me to your blog. You provide me with such inspiration to and I will quote you "continue on. Growing. Learning. Trusting. Following."

Suzanne said...

Your post made me think of the old song I grew up with in church, "Bringing in the Sheaves". Have you ever heard it? Here are the words. You might google it sometime to listen.

God bless you,
Suzanne

Sowing in the morning, sowing seeds of kindness,
Sowing in the noontide and the dewy eve;
Waiting for the harvest, and the time of reaping,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves.

Refrain

Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in the sheaves,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves,
Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in the sheaves,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves.

Sowing in the sunshine, sowing in the shadows,
Fearing neither clouds nor winter’s chilling breeze;
By and by the harvest, and the labor ended,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves.

Refrain

Going forth with weeping, sowing for the Master,
Though the loss sustained our spirit often grieves;
When our weeping’s over, He will bid us welcome,
We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves.

Refrain

Beverley said...

This morning my husband and I were talking about wanting to be done with mourning and then we read this http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/scottysmith/ and this http://streamsinthedesert.nicheblogger.net/2012/05/24/streams-in-the-desertmay-24-2/

We can rely on Him to get us through and He is fully capable and right here even now.

Thank you for your excellent words....you are pointing us to Him!

We realise tho', that grief and mourning never go away, they are just less present in our day to day living.

Auntie M said...

Heather is right...God has given you such a grace to write and express not just how you feel or what you are going through but also God's essence. Even when you felt far away from Him, as you diddon't in Part 1, your words still illuminated Him...whether you realized it or not.
You are beautiful spirit, soul, & body.
Love you!

Michelle said...

This is a beautiful post!! You are amazing, and such and inspiration!

McEngland like the McCountry said...

Strong work, Sister Jill!

 
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