Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Lately, there has been a lot in my heart and on my mind in regards to faith and life in general.
Since the diagnosis of Joshua's heart defect, his death, our foreclosure, my dad's cancer diagnosis and again with my dad's death, things have changed so drastically for me.
It's been no secret that I have struggled with all matters of faith over the past few years. My darkest times were when I had to really look at my belief in Christ and decide if His sacrifice was worth believing in or not.
Ultimately, I decided that it IS worth it. His sacrifice for my sins is worth it.
With that decision came a correction. A correction in things I didn't know needed corrected. Something that only God could and can accomplish within my heart. Something that could only be accomplished by breaking me.
This journey has brought me to places that I never knew existed.
My faith has become deeply personal. I look at the way that we, as Americans and American Christians, seem to understand faith.
I don't claim to have the answers. I don't claim to have it all figured out. But I do know this.
The faith that I had, before Joshua and before my dad's cancer, the faith that I had, was lacking. It was lacking understanding. It was lacking compassion. It was lacking humility. It was lacking a deep and personal relationship with God. It was lacking a deep understanding of who Christ is.
Christ is working on these things in me. He is slowly breaking the chains that have held me captive.
He is helping me to understand Him at the very core of who He is.
This has been a scary journey for me. I have been broken over and over. I have been torn between my previous life and my new life. I have been stripped of every single belief that I once had. I'm starting new.
I'm giving up the things of this world for Him as He calls me to. I'm giving up my old life and my old faith for Him. I'm giving up relationships that have dragged me down and lied to me- telling me that I'm not good or worthy enough. I'm allowing Christ to reveal His Glory to me, one broken chain at a time.
I feel it, deep within me, that He is preparing me. He is going to bring even more glory to His name through my struggles. He is creating in me, something beautiful. To get there I have had to go through the fire, be broken, and be stripped down to nothing.
I'm not there yet. I'm not who or where He wants me to be yet. I'm not sure what that will look like, but I feel Him moving. I feel Him leading. I'm waiting for Him to reveal it to me. In the mean time, while I wait, I will continue to allow him to break the chains of my captivity.