Wednesday, April 4, 2012

One Brudr...

Caleb came home from school and handed me this.

In case you can't read it, it says  "I am lucy Be Kus I have oun brudr."

In case you can't read THAT it says, "I am lucky because I have one brother."

Through the lump in my throat, I told him how proud of him I was that he wrote this all on his own. I also reconfirmed to him that he is indeed lucky that he has a brother. He told me how proud he was to be writing sentences on his own, and I agreed that he should be very, very proud of himself.

My heart screamed though. He has two brothers. But I would never force that on him. I want him to grieve and accept his reality as he wants to. I don't want to force Joshua on him.

I didn't even ask which brother he was talking about. I didn't want him to feel badly for saying that he only has one brother. I know he was talking about Luke. I didn't want him feeling guilty for leaving out Joshua.

It makes me sad for Caleb that he is faced with the decision about whether or not to explain that he has a brother in Heaven. He has told me before that sometimes it is just easier for him to say that he only has one brother because he doesn't feel like talking about Joshua.

I always encourage him to talk about Joshua as much or as little as he wants. This was one of those occasions that he felt like it was easier to simply say he had one brother instead of two.


Beth said...

Take heart! He may not be excluding Joshua but simply not to the point where he knows how to verbalize everything. Give him time. He is 5.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

No, he knows how to verbalize it. He's told me before that he sometimes says that Luke is his only brother. He has told me that sometimes he just doesn't want to talk about Joshua. I have always told him that it's ok to say what he wants and if he wants to say that he only has one brother, that is ok too.

I think this was an example of a time he really didn't want to explain that he had two brothers. I'm just glad he feels comfortable saying what he wants to say without fear of hurting me or Shane.

Mellow said...

I'm so sorry, Jill. It makes me have a lump in my throat as well. It hurts a Mama's heart. Praying for you.

Auntie M said...

I read this earlier on my phone and cried for you. I just read it again to my mom and she said, "She is a very wise mother, bless her heart." And indeed you are. I know as hard as it is for you to read that little note, it may have been just as hard for him to decide to write that sentence. I wonder what went through his head...maybe he wanted to write, "I am happy to have one brother who lives with me at home," or some such thing. But then he didn't want to have explain to other kids or the teacher what that meant. Who knows. Bless his little heart~full of love for 2 brothers but not sure of how to express that in a place that isn't as safe as at home with his wise and loving parents.
Love you, Jill. You are a wise & loving mother. And a sweet and wise woman too. xo~Mary

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

I do wonder if it was hard for him to write. I didn't want to press the issue too much and make it a big deal if it wasn't a big deal to him. I figured if he wanted to talk about it, he would. My biggest desire for my kids is to feel safe to express themselves however they need to. Without tooting my own horn, I think this picture shows that we have accomplished that! :o)

McEngland like the McCountry said...

I read this from the perspective of a surviving sibling... That Caleb feels LUCKY and Grateful to at least have Luke. It is so incredibly tough to know early on that something you have hoped and prayed for (Like a little brother if you only have a sister or a sister if you only have a brother) is snatched away. Boys are such tough little nuts to crack, though, Jill. Its our jobs as mothers to help these little gentlemen grow , and feel, as comfortable as they can with expressing their emotions. You and I both know that no matter how gender neutral we may try to raise our kids, Boys and girls still fall into very distinct evolutionary patterns. You are doing such an amazing job of giving Caleb the room to grow and handle his grief in such a way that he can do that.

Beverley said...

....sometimes I don't want to talk, out loud, about Leyda. But, or because, she is so very special to me in that moment/day.

Quarterlife Runner said...

it is so good you let your kids express their grief in their own ways. i'm sure after having a brother that died he feels very lucky for the brother he does have at home. <3

Em said...

Sometime I struggle with whether to say I have 3 children or 4. It's not always because I want to deny Eva it's more that I don't want to cheapen her. I can't express what I need to say tonight. Remembering that you have 3 sons.
hugs, Em

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