Dear Caleb, Hannah, and Luke,
I want to write to you, in hopes that some day you can read this blog and truly know the woman that you call "Mom." I want you to read the good and the bad about my life and learn what it is to truly live, lose, and love.
I want you to know how much I love you and how your three lives have saved mine.
I also want to apologize for these past few years of your life.
Caleb and Hannah- I have needed you. In the early days after Joshua died, you were the very essence of my survival. You were the reasons that I got out of bed every day. You were the reasons that I had to keep going. Without you, I'm not sure that I would even be alive today.
That was and continues to be a huge burden for you to carry. You gave me life, even when I felt like I didn't want it anymore. You gave me joy when so much of my life was filled with sadness. You gave me love when I felt like my heart couldn't possibly keep beating any longer.
Your lives saved mine.
Luke- I didn't know how much I needed you until I knew you were joining our family. I knew that we needed to get back up and try again, but I had no idea how much we needed YOU. Your life has brought new joy to our lives. You have given your brother and sister a chance to be a big brother and sister to you. You have given your daddy a chance to be a daddy again. You have given me a chance at life again. Your smiles and your giggles bring the smallest amount of healing to my broken heart. Your birth was exactly what I needed to feel some normalcy again.
Luke, you are perfect and beautiful and treasured beyond measure. You are our joy in the sadness, our light in the darkness. It's because of you that I can smile again. It's because of you that I can breathe again. It's because of you that I can HOPE again.
But, I want the three of you to know something. You have seen the best and the worst sides of me. You have been with me through 2 very significant losses in my life- first, your brother, and second, your grandpa. You have seen me weep and mourn and you have seen me overwhelmed with joy. You have seen me grieve and you have seen me celebrate. You have seen me live, and you have seen me want to give it all up.
I want you to know how sorry I am for not always being the mother that you need me to be. I want you to know how sorry I am that you have had to see me cry, mourn, and grieve. I'm sorry that you have had to see how difficult life can truly be. It's not fair to you and I'm sorry.
I want to tell you how sorry I am that you have had to carry the burden of my depression and sadness over these past few years. No child should have to comfort their mom as she cries. No child should have to remind their mother that it's ok to cry because she's sad. No child should have to be strong when their mother simply hasn't got the energy to be strong any longer. No child should have to see their mother fall apart time and time again.
I'm so sorry for all that I haven't been to you. I'm so sorry for not being able to care for you the way that you have needed me to. I'm sorry that I have been too completely overwhelmed and exhausted to do anything extra for you or our family. Please, forgive me.
Caleb, Hannah, and Luke, I love you very VERY much. I'm working my hardest to get myself well so I can be the mother that you need me to be. I'm working hard to overcome my grief and be able to live life again, allowing you to simply be children and enjoy life. I'm working hard to restore your childhood.
My prayer for you is that these years will not affect you negatively. My prayer is that these years of struggles will give you compassion, love, and understanding. It is my prayer that these years will soften your hearts and allow you to minister to others. It is my prayer that God will use these years that have been filled with sorrow to somehow bring healing and Hope to others.
I love the 3 of you so very much. I am honored and privileged to call you my children.