Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Idle Moments

I'm blogging at 3am. Never a good sign.

I've been up all night coughing. The antibiotics that I got for my sinus infection cleared up my stuffy nose right away. However, it left a nasty cough in it's wake. I've been coughing since we went to bed about 4 hours ago. :o(

For as annoying as it is to be up coughing my brains out, it's even more annoying when there is nothing going on to occupy my mind.

It's not very often that I find myself in a situation when there isn't SOMETHING going on around me. But tonight, I found myself in that very predicament.

I can't sleep. I can't lay down. I can't do much of anything because everyone is sleeping. So what do I do? I let my mind wander. A wandering mind, at least for me, is a very dangerous thing these days.

Tonight, I found myself reliving some very good memories that I had with my dad. I caught myself dozing in and out of consciousness, all the while, dreaming and thinking that my dad was in the room with me. We were talking, sharing memories. Some of the best memories of my life. The pictures that played across my mind were as vivid as the day that they happened. The sights, sounds, feelings, all very real.

Playing daddy sleeping monster- my dad the tickle monster, my brother and I trying to "wake" him. His fake snores and sleepy movements causing us to squeal with delight at the anticipation of being tickled until we couldn't breathe.

Driving in the back of his station wagon, wondering how in the world he could drive without any hands. Begging him to drive no handed, not knowing that he was steering with his knee. It was as if he had a super driving power. 

Learning to ride a two wheeler. Listening carefully to his instructions, having full faith that he would not allow me to fall and hurt myself. Looking back with excitement as he let go of the banana seat of my bike, and promptly running into the curb and falling off my bike. Hearing his voice saying "Get back on, let's try again! You can do this!"

Remembering when he took me to get my driver's permit. Waiting, on the way home from the BMV,  for him to pull over and let me take my very first drive. Looking at him like he was crazy when he finally did let me drive, but only with the radio turned off and no faster than 10 miles an hour. 

And just recently, finding the letters that he wrote to me  the tooth fairy wrote to me to tell me how proud of me he was, and just how beautiful and special I was and thanking me for my lost tooth. 

As I worked my way through these memories, I was once again bombarded with tears. I will never get to relive these moments with him. I will never get to laugh at his lack of sanity by making me turn off the radio and not being able to press the gas pedal on my very first drive. I will never get to hear him say "It's ok. Get back on and try again." whether talking about riding a two wheeler or any other problem that life throws at me. I will never again get to hear him say he loves me and cherishes me. Worst of all, my children will never know "Daddy Sleeping Monster." They will never know his sense of humor, his quirks, or his love for them.

These memories are such good memories, but they are difficult for me to think about. They are a reminder of what a great daddy I was blessed with. They are also a reminder that he is gone. Taken from me too soon and completely out of the blue.

I miss him. I miss my dad. I take comfort in the thought that he is holding Joshua and the brother or sister that my mom lost early in pregnancy. I take comfort in the fact that I will see him again, but it hurts so badly to face the reality that I won't see him again for a really LONG time.

Idle moments are becoming moments of bittersweetness. It creates a longing within me. A longing to see my dad. To hear his voice. To laugh at his jokes. Idle moments. The only connection I seem to have with my dad any more.


Auntie M said...

Oh honey...can't imagine. However, I think it was rather nice that you had quiet time to reflect on those kinds of happy memories of your dad. You may not get to see him in person for a long time but memories are wonderful things! Keep them alive! Talk to your kids about them. Especially the tickle monster~that's one they are sure to understand now! Soon you'll be telling them about learning to ride a 2-wheeler. And grandpa will feel close by to them too. And years from now, when it comes time for them to learn to drive, you'll be ready with the driving story...in fact, you may find yourself reliving it! Memories are precious things. I'm glad you have so many good ones of your dad.

Lisa said...

Auntie M has made a wonderful point. Your memories are what you have of your father until you meet again. Your children will know of your father, through you, and you will see him in them as well. I see my father, who died five years ago, in my son. I hope you find at least a little bit of solace in your memories and know that our family thinks of you and yours!

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