Friday, March 23, 2012

Wanting Normalcy

I've found myself struggling again lately.

The grief of losing both Joshua and my dad sneaks up on me and knocks me out. I spend what seems like most mornings a weepy mess, thinking about the things that I want to tell my dad and wondering what life would be like with Joshua around.

I also find myself wondering if I will EVER feel normal again.

Going out in public is still a struggle for me. I've started taking anti anxiety medication to help with it, but it's still extremely hard for me. For some reason, I just feel awkward, anxious, and on edge at the thought of going to big public events. Even going to church is a huge stress on me, and unless Shane isn't working, I don't typically go by myself with the kids. The thought of going by myself with 3 small children overwhelms me.

I grieve what life used to be like for me- carefree and ignorant. My faith was easy because I thought I had it all figured out. I guess, looking back, I feel like I was cocky and didn't even know it. I thought I had it all together.

These days, I just feel like I don't know which way is up. I'm exhausted all the time, unsure of when the grief will hit. Thinking about living with this grief for the rest of my life simply exhausts me.

I know that the season of life that we are in is exhausting in itself. 3 small children, the youngest being 4 months old- I'm still up every 2 or 3 hours at night nursing. That is enough to exhaust anyone. Throw in the grief and I'm not sure how I function some days.

But most of all, I just want my old life back. I want to be able to answer the question "How many children do you have?" with out wondering how I should answer without making the other person feel completely awkward. (I have 4 children- 3 of which are living? I have 3 living children? I have 4 children?) I want to go out in public and not feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I feel like I should be wearing a large sign on my head that says I have a dead baby and a dead father. I want to be able to go out in public and not have to worry about what will trigger the tears.

As I continue with counseling, I'm working on finding myself again. I'm working on conquering my fears of big social events. I'm working on bettering myself- not only for myself, but for my husband and children as well.

God did not create me to live in a world of fear and anxiety. He did not create me to live in a world of sadness and insecurity. I'm not sure where all of this came from, but I know that it's here and I don't like it.

I guess I just continue to wait and pray for some sense of normalcy to arrive again.


Auntie M said...

I don't have any words of my own...because I truly don't know how you do it. I think you are stronger/braver than you know or believe, because you are still here. Still standing. xo~Mary

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."
~Author Unknown

by Gwen Flowers
I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.

Mary Matsuno said...

Every day you will get just a little bit closer to feeling better. Even if, let's say, you started your morning sad time at 7, maybe tomorrow it'll hit you at 7:10. . .So, the baby steps are baby steps. I would venture to say, the loss of your father, just stirred up the loss of Joshua all over again. My heart goes out to you. The baby steps will get you there. Keep up the counseling, and the meds. . .Keeping you in my thoughts. Thank you for opening up and sharing. Some day, you will be a pillar for someone in the same situation you are now. Thinking this way, I'll pray that God sends you someone who has already walked your walk before. Love ya, Mary

Amy said...

"I guess I just continue to wait and pray for some sense of normalcy to arrive again."

It'll never be what it used to be -- I'm sure you know that -- but you'll find a new normal. Eventually, one day at a time, you'll become more & more familiar with what your life is in the here & now. It doesn't happen overnight. And you'll always miss your father and Joshua, of course. How could you not? But the pain won't always be so raw and fresh. I think of loss like a scar: it'll always be there, it'll never go away, and it might be tender when touched. But it won't always be something that has you doubled over in pain. God's got this, my friend. And He has you too. <3

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