I've found myself struggling again lately.
The grief of losing both Joshua and my dad sneaks up on me and knocks me out. I spend what seems like most mornings a weepy mess, thinking about the things that I want to tell my dad and wondering what life would be like with Joshua around.
I also find myself wondering if I will EVER feel normal again.
Going out in public is still a struggle for me. I've started taking anti anxiety medication to help with it, but it's still extremely hard for me. For some reason, I just feel awkward, anxious, and on edge at the thought of going to big public events. Even going to church is a huge stress on me, and unless Shane isn't working, I don't typically go by myself with the kids. The thought of going by myself with 3 small children overwhelms me.
I grieve what life used to be like for me- carefree and ignorant. My faith was easy because I thought I had it all figured out. I guess, looking back, I feel like I was cocky and didn't even know it. I thought I had it all together.
These days, I just feel like I don't know which way is up. I'm exhausted all the time, unsure of when the grief will hit. Thinking about living with this grief for the rest of my life simply exhausts me.
I know that the season of life that we are in is exhausting in itself. 3 small children, the youngest being 4 months old- I'm still up every 2 or 3 hours at night nursing. That is enough to exhaust anyone. Throw in the grief and I'm not sure how I function some days.
But most of all, I just want my old life back. I want to be able to answer the question "How many children do you have?" with out wondering how I should answer without making the other person feel completely awkward. (I have 4 children- 3 of which are living? I have 3 living children? I have 4 children?) I want to go out in public and not feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I feel like I should be wearing a large sign on my head that says I have a dead baby and a dead father. I want to be able to go out in public and not have to worry about what will trigger the tears.
As I continue with counseling, I'm working on finding myself again. I'm working on conquering my fears of big social events. I'm working on bettering myself- not only for myself, but for my husband and children as well.
God did not create me to live in a world of fear and anxiety. He did not create me to live in a world of sadness and insecurity. I'm not sure where all of this came from, but I know that it's here and I don't like it.
I guess I just continue to wait and pray for some sense of normalcy to arrive again.