Saturday, March 17, 2012

Moving Forward- It's all or nothing!

I've been thinking a lot about this blog lately.

To me, my blog is like a best friend who walks life with me. It's a safe place for me to pour my heart out, live my life, and work out my faith. My blog connects me with people that I would have never gotten to know over the last few years of my life. Actually, my blog connected me to my very best friend, Molly. Without Molly, I'm not sure where I would be today. (Not to mention that her kids are my kids best friends!)

This blog has been through the darkest days of my life with me.

It sounds stupid, but this blog is deeply engrained in a part of my life.

But things have changed. Life's seasons change, and so does this blog.

I feel like it's time to move forward.

It's no secret that after Joshua's death, we were attacked by people who used Joshua's death to further their cause. It's no secret that there are people who still, to this day, come and leave nasty comments about how I "killed" Joshua or how Luke is a "replacement" baby. I've reached the point of just laughing at these types of comments, but in reality, these types of comments along with knowing that these kinds of people continue to read here simply to rip apart everything that I write, has taken away my sense of security here.

In simpler words, this is no longer a safe place for me.

There are so many things that God is doing in our lives. There are so many doors that are being thrown open for us. Things that I want to share, but out of fear for my family's privacy, I don't want to share too much. For fear of the criticism from close minded people, I don't want to write about the ways that God is working. I don't feel safe. Not here on my blog, and not in my personal life.

I'm at a cross road.

I'm at a point where I need to decide what to do with this blog.

Until this morning, I pretty much decided to shut this blog down and start a new one. A fresh start sounded wonderful. Writing anonymously sounded like the way to go.

But as I'm writing this post, my heart is being challenged. What type of witness am I providing by living in fear? If I leave this blog behind, I am only sharing the pain of our lives and not the amazing blessings that God has been pouring out on our family. I find myself asking if satan is trying to discourage me from sharing because he knows that what God is doing can and will provide an amazing testimony to God's faithfulness to our family.

I've been hesitant to share personal details on here lately. Writing is an all or nothing type of deal for me. I'm either going to share everything or nothing at all.

This is what I need to decide. Do I continue on here or do I move on and start fresh? I thought I had it figured out, but now I'm not so sure.

Be patient with me as I decide.

I'm going to take some time to continue to pray about what to do. If I decide it's time to move on, I will do that. If I decide that I am going to stay here, be prepared for me to continue to put it all out there. If I decide to stay, I will risk the criticism and continue to share how God is working. It's all or nothing, folks!


Beth said...

"Perfect love drives out fear." 1John 4:18a

I have enjoyed walking with you in prayer through your journey over the past year and a half. I will continue to pray for you whether you keep this blog up or not. I see you looking to God more and more to "fill your cup" and I am glad that you are growing toward him in everything you have gone through. Follow God's leading, not our own fleshly desires, sister. I love you.

Beverley said...

May the Lord make His face to shine upon you... and give you peace

amber said...

Although you have not shared the details of just how God is blessing your family now, it has given me new hope and faith that God has a plan for our family too and reminded me that although i someties feel annonymous in Gods eyes on this big huge planet, He indeed has not forgotten my family, just as He is guiding yours......would love to know the details of your blessings but totally understand....:)

Angela said...

I personally am begging you not to go private. I am begging you to put it all out there. You have been such an encouragement to me through your honesty and openness. As a fellow heart mom you have, without realizing it, encouraged me to go on in this fight and not give up. You have encouraged me to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and give them back to God so he could put them back together. You have shown me through your life, how to keep surrending my life, my problems, and everything there is to God and His will. You have shown me that I may not like it, but I can do it through Him. I'll be keeping you in my prayers as you make some decisions.

Kristin said...

I am praying for you and your decision...I don't understand why people have to be hateful. You have been an encouragement to me so I hope to be able to continue reading...but understand if that needs to change for your well being!!

Rainbow Warrior said...

some of us will miss you.

so there.

Auntie M said...

First~in answer to to Murasaki, no Joshua didn't die due to circumcision...he saddly died from his CHD.

Now, Ms Jill~I know that you will do whatever God leads you to do. Selfishly, I hope you continue to blog! But not at the expense of your emotional well-being. I know that God will lead you in the right direction~through peace and not fear. And regardless of what you decide, please know that you are loved and supported by many people...including me. And seriously, if you are ever in WA, look me up, I'll take you Twilighting. XO

Tammie Lewis said...

My friend, I will continue to pray for you and your decision. I couldn't agree more everyone here. I am selfishly rooting for "STAY!"...but like Auntie M said, not at the risk of your emotional well being. Remember how very much you are loved! xoxo

Bumper said...

I have enjoyed reading your blog as I was going through a 'faith crisis' at the same time and found your blogging honest and encouraging. Like everyone here, I hope you will continue but, if you do not, I wish you and your family all the best.

Not a Granny said...

Coming out of lurking to tell you that you will be missed. You have been a wonderful inspiration to many people, myself included. I hope you stay here but if you do not I understand.

Unknown said...

Iv been reading your blog for a year now...would be so sad to see you leave but totally understand :-) praying for you! -Taryn lucyk

Tracy said...

Jill...What a hard decision for you. I'm so sorry you even need to make this decision at all. I wish you and your family health and happiness...whatever your decision may be. Please know...that if you do shut down this blog...I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts. Peace and joy to you and yours.

Tracy said...

Jill - what a tough decision for you to make. I'm so sorry that you need to make this decision at all. If you decide to shut this blog down, please know that I will continue to keep you and your precious family in my thoughts. Wishing you, and yours, peace and joy.

Lisa said...

I, too, will miss you if you leave. However, I know you will follow your heart. You are a witness to the Lord's strength and a beacon in this darkness we call life.

Heather said...

Jill - I, too, am selfishly hoping you will continue this blog. I, unlike others found your blog "accidentally" as I have no connection to CHD; but, I also don't truly believe it was an "accident". God led me to your blog for a reason and I believe it was to see all that you have been dealt and to watch as you questioned yet still held onto your faith in Him. I have always believed in God and was brought up in a solid Lutheran home; but, in the last year I joined a new church and have truly started my faith walk with God. Your blog has helped me learn to trust Him and know that He has a plan for myself and my family as well. With all of that being said please know that although I, as well as many others per the comments above, will horribly miss your blog if that is the direction that God leads you in but I will totally understand and respect your decision.

God's blessings to you and your entire family.

McEngland like the McCountry said...

I say MOVE to a new blog, ban anonymous comments or start publishing the awful emails people send you with their names/emails/addresses clearly visible. Do not let these awful trolls hide behind the anonymity of the internet. Maybe post them on a separate page that has lots of adds and sponsors. We'll visit and you'll get paid for all the hits to your "hate mail" site. You might as well make some money off of those evil people.

Auntie Mip said...

Dear Jill,

I am commenting before even reading other responses to your post. I want my words to be authentic and not in anyway influenced by what others write. I hope and pray you believe that I am sincere. You have no reason to. You have a right, a duty to question what people come here to say. To distrust their words. To assume their motives are not genuine. You have seen the best humanity has to offer in this space. Sadly, you have also seen the worst. For that I am so sorry.

I have come to love your little family. The sudden and brutal death of your son broke my heart. Cruel people beat you when you were down. I wanted to beat them. I am a pediatric oncology nurse. I have performed chest compressions on tiny chests while parents looked on in horror as their precious child slipped away before their helpless eyes. I have seen beautiful children disfigured and scarred by the very medical interventions designed to heal them. I have stood by and supported parents as they made life altering decisions for children that they were emotionally unprepared to make, but had to make none the less because time was not on their side. To judge those moments is ignorant, vicious, hateful, cruel. I am so very sorry that a place designed for your precious Joshua was sullied by hate.

I have rejoiced with parents who welcomed children both months after the death of their beloved children and years later. In 25 years on nursing I do not know a single family who successfully replaced their dead one. My own parents are included in that statistic. It is not possible. It is foolish to suggest. It is, again, cruel. For the record who would begrudge grieving parents the joy of new life? Who the hell would suggest that???

Over the Christmas holiday I wept as your family suffered along with your daddy as he fought his cancer diagnosis. I railed against the unfairness of it all. I have seen it before. Non-smokers with lung cancer. The ultimate betrayal. I lost my daddy 7 years ago. It brought a lot of that hurt bubbling back to the surface for me. I prayed so fervently for your family. I still do.

Jill, I am so very sorry that you feel unsafe here. I respect whatever decision you make. I will sure miss you should you need to go private or choose not to write anymore. I have no place advising you. I do have a thought and and I hope and pray you will not think me forward for sharing. Your story is worth sharing. Young mothers can relate to you. Grieving parents have a place to be heard here. New life is rejoiced over here. Bullies will always be bullies. Don't let them silence your voice. It is worth being heard. And theirs, well, let them be heard for what they are. Cowards. Ignorant, foolish, intimidated, scared, stupid cowards. Your voice is so much louder. So much more worthy.

Whether you choose to stay or go, you have a friend in me. I will always pray for your sweet little family. Thank you for sharing as you have. God bless you!

Mary Matsuno said...

Whatever you decide, God bless you. Thank you for sharing your life with me. I feel blessed. Mary

Suzanne said...

After reading Auntie Mip's comment above, all I can add is a hearty "Amen"!

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