Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I Can't.

I find that the tears well up inside and I refuse to let them fall.

I find that I don't want to grieve any more.

I don't want to feel the pain of the loss of my dad.

I don't want to feel the pain of the loss of my son.

I don't want to think about the past 14+ months and the heartache that I have endured.

I can't let myself go there.

I can't allow myself to think about my children's loss of a brother and a grandpa. I can't allow myself to think about my mom's loss or my brother's loss or my grandparent's and aunt's and uncle's loss. It's too much and it threatens to swallow me alive. 

The sadness threatens to suffocate me. I feel that if I shed even just one more tear, I may never stop.

I find that lately, I tell myself that my pain is stupid. It is nothing compared to what others go through. It's my way of telling myself to suck it up and move on with life.


I'm tired of puffy eyes, ruined contacts, horrible headaches, and the pain in my heart.

When will it all end?

Have I learned the lesson that God wants me to learn yet?

I'm tired. So. Very. Tired.

I can't do this anymore.


Beverley said...

No you can't...but He can...that's what I keep telling myself! {{Jill}}

Danna said...

Oh Jill, I am praying for you. Please know, He will get you through this.

Em said...

I'm just so sorry things are so hard right now.

Amanda said...

I'm so sorry, Jill. This sounds so incredibly heavy. I hesitate to bring this up because it might not be a helpful question at this point, but where are you at with counseling and antidepressants? I know at one point you were hoping to avoid drugs, but I've found them to help me face my grief head-on as my whole self. In other words, antidepressants helped me grieve. Praying for you...

Auntie M said...

Oh's ok to "take a break" from grieving deeply if you need to. It is all overwhelming I'd imagine. Moment by moment, day by day, breath by breath is all you can do. Love you!

Suzanne said...

Jill, I am praying for you. Of course you are tired and numb and hurting. When I lost my parents when my girls were very young, I grieved so much for what my children would miss by not having my parents to cheer them on and love them as they grew up. My youngest (now 25) doesn't even remember Mama or Daddy.

But, the most wonderful things can happen as time goes by. I see in both my daughters so much of my parents! The youngest sings beautifully like my mother did (the talent skipped me!) and is an engineer. I never told her until she was in the program in college that my daddy always said how he wished he had become an engineer but how he grew up on a farm and got out of WW II and didn't know enough to choose that.

I do believe that in years to come you will see your daddy in your children and their talents, abilities, and personalities. I do understand your pain and your emptiness. But God is not punishing you (even though it feels like it) and he did not send your grief on you to teach you a lesson (even though He will teach you lessons through it). He loves you very much, and He is right there with you. Trust Him - even when you don't feel it.

Bless you,

Designs by Dana
© 2011 Designs by Dana
© No content of this blog may be used or re-printed without written permission