I find that the tears well up inside and I refuse to let them fall.
I find that I don't want to grieve any more.
I don't want to feel the pain of the loss of my dad.
I don't want to feel the pain of the loss of my son.
I don't want to think about the past 14+ months and the heartache that I have endured.
I can't let myself go there.
I can't allow myself to think about my children's loss of a brother and a grandpa. I can't allow myself to think about my mom's loss or my brother's loss or my grandparent's and aunt's and uncle's loss. It's too much and it threatens to swallow me alive.
The sadness threatens to suffocate me. I feel that if I shed even just one more tear, I may never stop.
I find that lately, I tell myself that my pain is stupid. It is nothing compared to what others go through. It's my way of telling myself to suck it up and move on with life.
I DON'T WANT TO CRY ANYMORE.
I'm tired of puffy eyes, ruined contacts, horrible headaches, and the pain in my heart.
When will it all end?
Have I learned the lesson that God wants me to learn yet?
I'm tired. So. Very. Tired.
I can't do this anymore.