Forgetting

The memory of Joshua seems like a lifetime ago.

It seems as if I never held him in my arms, listened to his cries, or smelled his sweet head.

I'm forgetting him.

Tonight, I looked through pictures of him that are on my phone. There was a time that I knew and memorized each and every picture that I had of him.

I was brought to tears knowing that I had forgotten some of the pictures.

I wept as I realized that I have forgotten his smell, his feel, and his sounds.

I have forgotten details of him- his dark and wise eyes, his grunts and growls, the way he sucked his paci.

As I looked through pictures, I was taken back to a time when we held onto hope and gave daily updates of his progress. It was a time when faith was hard, but it was much easier than it is today. It was a time that was chaotic, stressful, and intense. It was a time when I learned to love with every fiber of my being, and when the loss of his life changed the very depths of my soul.

Now, it's all a distant memory.

The love that I have for him is not any less, but it's not as overwhelming as it was.

That makes my heart ache.

I'm forgetting him and that peels back a whole new layer of my grief.