Tuesday, February 14, 2012
During my rebellious high school years, I got caught up with the wrong crowd of people. I found myself making stupid decisions that cost me my parent's trust, my self confidence, and a lot of friendships.
Through all of those years, I somehow managed to stay away from drugs and alcohol. I talked a big talk, but when it came down to it, I didn't walk the walk. I was too afraid of the consequences.
However, the one thing that I did get started on was cigarettes. At one point, I was up to almost 2 packs of cigarettes a day. My friends and I knew all of the local gas stations that would sell cigarettes to minors and we had a rotating schedule of when we would visit each one to get our stash. It became a game for us, trying to get cigarettes, saving our lunch money to pay for them, and then finding secret places to go smoke without being caught. We became masters at carrying around body splash to hide the smoke smell. We became experts in hiding the cigarettes deep within our backpacks so they didn't accidentally fall out in class.
I smoked so much, that I truly became addicted.
After a life saving mission trip to Zimbabwe, Africa when I was 16 as well as being caught smoking by undercover cops and having to go to court for being a minor possessing tobacco, I decided that it was time to quite. (what a lame excuse to have to go to court, right?!)
I changed my friends, dumped my long time boyfriend, changed my lifestyle, and truly let God into my life.
I quite cigarettes cold turkey and never looked back.
Now, I'm facing a new addiction. Well, it's not really new, I've struggled with it for a few years now.
Unlike cigarettes, I can't quite food cold turkey. I can't endure a few days or weeks of withdrawal and then be done with it. I have to have food.
The first few weeks of my weight loss was easy. I was motivated and ready, but things have changed. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and quickly passed away. I have struggled to not turn to food to comfort me in my times of grief. Food has been my way of numbing the pain for too long now.
I'm struggling. I want more than anything to lose this weight. I want to be healthy. I want my body to reflect the love and honor I have for my God. He did, after all, create me in His image- shouldn't my body reflect that?!
But now that the chaos of the last few weeks of my dad's sickness and death have calmed down, I have nothing else on which to focus my attention. I want to eat. I want to drown my sorrows in chocolate and grease.
But I refuse to let this addiction take hold of me any more. I refuse to let it control my life and my thoughts.
Food is a necessity, but it doesn't have to be an addiction. It doesn't have to rule my life.
I can do this. One meal and snack at a time. Celebrating every victory along the way, no matter how big or small.
I can do this. I WILL do this.