Monday, February 13, 2012


The memory of Joshua seems like a lifetime ago.

It seems as if I never held him in my arms, listened to his cries, or smelled his sweet head.

I'm forgetting him.

Tonight, I looked through pictures of him that are on my phone. There was a time that I knew and memorized each and every picture that I had of him.

I was brought to tears knowing that I had forgotten some of the pictures.

I wept as I realized that I have forgotten his smell, his feel, and his sounds.

I have forgotten details of him- his dark and wise eyes, his grunts and growls, the way he sucked his paci.

As I looked through pictures, I was taken back to a time when we held onto hope and gave daily updates of his progress. It was a time when faith was hard, but it was much easier than it is today. It was a time that was chaotic, stressful, and intense. It was a time when I learned to love with every fiber of my being, and when the loss of his life changed the very depths of my soul.

Now, it's all a distant memory.

The love that I have for him is not any less, but it's not as overwhelming as it was.

That makes my heart ache.

I'm forgetting him and that peels back a whole new layer of my grief.


Beverley said...

..a different heart ache...I wondered about this. Loving you from afar.

Anonymous said...


The Real Life of a Red Head said...

a different heartache indeed. Something I wasn't expecting and has knocked me over tonight.

Auntie M said...

Oh honey...while you may forget specific smells or pictures or moments you will never forget the essence of him. Your heart and his cannot be separated. XO

Em said...

Sending love and remembering Joshua with you...our Eva also had a CHD and I had daily updates going for her...
A faith then that was hard but is harder now...when hope is gone.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

he will live FOREVER in your heart, though...

BlessedMommy said...

Oh Jill. You'll never forget him. I'll never forget him. The type memories might not be as intense, but they will always be present.

Lis said...

I'm so sorry. I had a similar moment of grief a few days ago. I couldn't recall my great nephew's name. It broke me that with the divorce and chaos in my life that I had forgotten that precious baby's name : (

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