Sunday, December 11, 2011

I Was Convinced He Was Dying.

Last week, I wrote about how I was struggling with flashbacks again.

Since writing that post, I've had some extremely severe anxiety.

I had this PTSD under control. I knew how to control the flashbacks when they came. I was able to keep my mind from going there.

But not lately.

Luke is such a blessing, but I'm not going to lie. I am ready for him to get a little bigger.

His noises, expressions, and movements are proving to be too much for me at times.

Last Thursday night, Luke was crying uncontrollably. His belly was distended and he was sweating.

I was convinced that he was dying. I was convinced he was in heart failure or had a blocked bowel or something and he was not going to live through the night. I couldn't function. (Reality was the fact that he just needed to poop- once he did, he was fine.)

I was flashing back to Joshua coding. I could see him blue in my arms. I pictured myself trying to get the mobile off his bed so the doctor could work on him. I pictured him dead. Once again, I couldn't function. I thank God that Shane was home that night and was able to take care of him and let me get myself together.

After I came out of it, I wanted to do nothing but rock Luke. I didn't want to go to bed, I didn't want to watch TV, I didn't want to talk to Shane. I just wanted to rock my baby to make sure that he was ok.

I'm really struggling with all of this. When Luke chokes when I'm feeding him, I remember Joshua choking. When Luke holds his breath when he stretches and his face turns red, I remember Joshua changing colors because of lack of oxygen. When Luke cries a certain way, I remember the way Joshua was crying the morning he died.

I had the flashbacks under control. I was able to stay away from certain triggers that caused the flashbacks. I can't just walk away from Luke. He HAS to be taken care of. I WANT to take care of him. I want to be the very best mom that I can for him. It's not his fault that I am struggling.

I talked to my doctor this week. I really don't want to medicate. I'm breastfeeding and don't want to pass on anything to Luke that isn't completely  necessary (even if it is considered safe).

We've decided that I'm going to go back to counseling. I have to get this under control, and I know that I can. I also know that once Luke gets a little older and a little bigger, it won't be such a struggle for me. The triggers will be gone and I will be able to control it again.

At this point, it's a mind game. It's a matter of reminding myself that Luke is healthy. It's a matter of reminding myself that what I experienced with Joshua was extremely traumatic and I still have a lot of healing to do. It's a matter of convincing myself that Luke is NOT dying and that it's all in my head.


Ahlam said...

I will say a prayer for you, Jill ! I love you and your lil Joshua. God bless your family, God bless your little baby. And bless your soul for the honesty you bring to life.

Ahlam said...

BTW- Ahlam is "Marjetta Juul" from fcbk :)

Anonymous said...

May God hold you snug in His arms...surround you with His love, comfort, and peace...and be the source of all you have need of every minute of every day.

Lisa said...

Hi Jill - you might want to touch base with Lindsey at
She has found a medication solution that is safe for her and her newest, Elise.
Wishing you and your family all the best ♥

Beverley said...

Aww Jill. Your honesty and openness is astounding...I imagine it is one of the reasons you will heal and move along...God loves you so very much. He has been faithful and He is faithful, He will be faithful too.

Beth said...

Continuing to pray for you, Jill. Remember "In Him ALL THINGS hold together." I pray that God will take the spirit of anxiety away and replace it with His peace and trust. I love you sis.

Michelle said...

Wow, I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, you are so amazing, and such an ispiration! I love reading your blog, it always seems to help me put things in perspective. I will continue to pray for you as well, and I hope you find comfort and help with your anxiety's. I wish I could just give you a great big hug and make things all better! :)

Auntie M said...

Oh honey! Can't imagine! You remain in my prayers.

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