Sunday, December 11, 2011
Last week, I wrote about how I was struggling with flashbacks again.
Since writing that post, I've had some extremely severe anxiety.
I had this PTSD under control. I knew how to control the flashbacks when they came. I was able to keep my mind from going there.
But not lately.
Luke is such a blessing, but I'm not going to lie. I am ready for him to get a little bigger.
His noises, expressions, and movements are proving to be too much for me at times.
Last Thursday night, Luke was crying uncontrollably. His belly was distended and he was sweating.
I was convinced that he was dying. I was convinced he was in heart failure or had a blocked bowel or something and he was not going to live through the night. I couldn't function. (Reality was the fact that he just needed to poop- once he did, he was fine.)
I was flashing back to Joshua coding. I could see him blue in my arms. I pictured myself trying to get the mobile off his bed so the doctor could work on him. I pictured him dead. Once again, I couldn't function. I thank God that Shane was home that night and was able to take care of him and let me get myself together.
After I came out of it, I wanted to do nothing but rock Luke. I didn't want to go to bed, I didn't want to watch TV, I didn't want to talk to Shane. I just wanted to rock my baby to make sure that he was ok.
I'm really struggling with all of this. When Luke chokes when I'm feeding him, I remember Joshua choking. When Luke holds his breath when he stretches and his face turns red, I remember Joshua changing colors because of lack of oxygen. When Luke cries a certain way, I remember the way Joshua was crying the morning he died.
I had the flashbacks under control. I was able to stay away from certain triggers that caused the flashbacks. I can't just walk away from Luke. He HAS to be taken care of. I WANT to take care of him. I want to be the very best mom that I can for him. It's not his fault that I am struggling.
I talked to my doctor this week. I really don't want to medicate. I'm breastfeeding and don't want to pass on anything to Luke that isn't completely necessary (even if it is considered safe).
We've decided that I'm going to go back to counseling. I have to get this under control, and I know that I can. I also know that once Luke gets a little older and a little bigger, it won't be such a struggle for me. The triggers will be gone and I will be able to control it again.
At this point, it's a mind game. It's a matter of reminding myself that Luke is healthy. It's a matter of reminding myself that what I experienced with Joshua was extremely traumatic and I still have a lot of healing to do. It's a matter of convincing myself that Luke is NOT dying and that it's all in my head.