Saturday, December 10, 2011
Dear Caleb and Hannah,
As I've been thinking about how blessed and lucky I am to have you as my children, I wanted to write to you to tell you just how truly important you are to me.
Over the past few years, life has been a struggle. Our family has struggled in just about every aspect of our lives.
My priorities as a mother in your first few years of life were mixed up. I chose work over you. Any chance I had, I would dump you on your daycare provider, your grandparents, and even close friends. I was young, exhausted, and overwhelmed.
Your daddy and I were struggling financially. We fought about money, household chores, and everyday responsibilities. Our early years as a family were rough.
After 6 years, your baby brother, Joshua, came along. He changed the very essence of who our family was. He changed me, therefore changing how I mothered.
Joshua taught me what precious treasures you are.
After Joshua died, Caleb and Hannah, you guys became my lifeline. You became my reason to get out of bed every day. The two of you kept me afloat when I was sinking into the deep and dark pit of despair. Your innocence and joy were contagious. You gave me reason to laugh when I felt like there was none.
That is a heavy burden to carry- the burden of giving your mother strength, when you yourself were confused and sad. That was a heavy burden to carry when you truly didn't understand what was going on. I'm sorry that you had to do that for me.
In fact, I'm sorry for a lot of things that I have done to you. I'm sorry that my priorities were mixed up at the beginning of your lives. I'm sorry for the times that I didn't see you as the precious gifts that you are. I'm sorry for choosing myself over you, time and time again. I'm sorry for not loving you like I should have. I'm sorry that it took the illness and death of your brother to finally open my eyes to where I was failing you. I'm sorry for the mother that I was.
Caleb and Hannah, I have changed. Joshua helped with that, but ultimately your unconditional love is what helped to change the way I love you. Now that baby Luke is in our lives, my love for you has grown again. I watch you as you love him and care for him. As I watch the 3 of you lay on the floor, talking to each other, playing games, and just being together, I am overwhelmed with a sense of pride in who the 3 of you are and I look forward to seeing who you will become.
Caleb and Hannah (and Luke too) I love you. Sometimes that doesn't seem like enough. I know I still fail you, but I want you to know that I will NEVER put anything before you again. You are a gift to me. You are treasured and loved beyond measure.
I love you so much,