Shane and I have decided to officially start our search for a new church.
Other than a few random times, we have not been to an actual church service for almost 9 months.
It's been a good break for me, but I also feel the need to start reconnecting with God and with other believers in a corporate worship setting. It's also extremely important to us to have our children involved in some sort of children's program. We do a majority of our teaching them about God here at home, but we also believe that it's important for them to learn how to worship and fellowship with other believers.
One of the things that has been hardest for me since Joshua died has been singing praise and worship to God.
I know deep down inside that He is good, and I know that He deserves that praise, but it is so extremely hard for me to stand there and physically sing those words to Him.
Some of the songs that are sung have new meaning to me since losing Joshua. The songs about God's mercy, grace, and love, songs about holding us and letting us rest in Him, they hit home- most times, too close to home. They physically hurt to sing, yet something deep within me longs to sing every single word with all the energy I can muster.
Since losing Joshua, I find myself sobbing through worship. The pain in my heart is unbearable, yet there is unexplainable peace and love.
The strange combination of the two knock the wind out of me, causing my lips to quiver, and the tears to flow.
How can my heart feel so much pain yet feel so much love for my Savior?
How can I feel so much trust when I know that He could have reached down and saved Joshua?
How can I love a God who has allowed so much pain and suffering into not only my life, but the life of my husband and children?
How can I trust so fully in plan that I just don't understand and hurts so badly?
Those are all questions that worship brings out in me. Questions that I don't have answers to. Questions that I really don't NEED answers to.
I don't like sobbing through worship, but I think this is probably going to be my new way of allowing God to see me as I am. He knows the tension in my heart and in my soul, and He understands. He sees the pain, yet offers grace and unconditional love. I fully believe that my tears are worth far more to Him than spoken words at this point. My tears are the heart and soul of my worship- my true feelings for God- even if they are full of tension and lack of understanding on my part. Those tears bring me closer to Him. It's in those tears that I feel Him wrapping his arms around me and holding me- telling me it's ok to be weak- because through my weakness He is glorified.
Worship is so very hard for me, yet I know that this new way of worshiping brings me so much closer to my God than ever before- even if it hurts.