Complete Sadness

It's October.

The leaves are changing. The weather is cooler. School is in full swing.

I'm working on ABC's with Hannah in the mornings, doing laundry in the afternoons, dishes whenever they need to be done. Preparing for Luke's arrival, loving my children and my husband.

I'm keeping busy.

But reality is, is that it's October.

A mere 5 days away from Joshua's first anniversary in Heaven.

A mere 5 days away from remembering not only his death, but also the attacks that came afterwards.

I am ok. Truly.

I have become a master at allowing the emotions to come as they are. Allowing them to have their way with me, and then moving forward.

The emotion lately has been complete and utter sadness.

Sadness that my child is gone. My sweet Joshie. My half hearted baby. He's gone.

The tears come freely. Sadness overtaking for moments at a time.

Sadness that I couldn't save him.

Sadness that he's gone.

Sadness that his brothers and sister will never know him.

Sadness that the things around the house waiting for Luke were once waiting for him.

Compete and awful sadness.

I'm not in a dark place. I'm grieving.

I haven't lost my mind. I'm grieving.

I'm not "over" the loss. I never will be.

There are many days of joy. But too often lately, those days of joy are threatened by sadness. Complete sadness.