Monday, October 3, 2011

The Very Last First

Joshua's first anniversary in Heaven marks our very last first.

Since Joshua died, we have experienced many milestones in our grief.

We have experienced the first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter, and birthday without him.

We have watched other children experience their firsts as they have grown over the past year. Each time they reach a new milestone, we grieve what should have been. The reality that they will face many more firsts in their lifetime is like a slap in the face.

We have been walking this journey of grief for a year.

This is our last "First."

The first anniversary in Heaven is our last "milestone."

Soon we will be experiencing our 2nd Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter and birthday without him.

Reality has set in.

He is gone. He won't be back.

Our firsts are over.

There won't be any more. No first night in a big boy bed. No first days of school. No first overnights at a friends house. No first car, girlfriend, job, house, child.

Our. firsts. are. over.

October 6th marks our very last first.

I'm not sure if the pain will ever subside.


Lis said...


Jenn said...

I'm sorry--to learn you've lost Joshua. Many prayers as you face his last "first". Jenn

Jolene said...

Your pain will never go away- it just gets less intense. Here I am 15years later and it still hurts. I still think of what she would have been doing or liking or how things would have been... But then I think of where she is and know that it must be SO much better there! Plus, she paints me rainbows now and then.... :D

I am sorry for your loss. My heart hurts with you. <3

Beth said...

Sweet sister, I am continuing to pray that through the pain and grief you will continue to bear that Jesus will be enough. I love you.

Peach said...

I can't imagine the pain, but I can cry at the attempt. I hope that... well, the impossible will happen and your family won't hurt anymore. :(

Christine said...


Michelle said...

there's still one left... the first time he becomes a big brother.

E said...

Just catching up...thinking that the ultimate final first for Joshua will be the first time he meets you in heaven. Brings tears as I imagine him whole and healed and hugging you. Have you read, "heaven is for real"? Hugs and prayers for you today.

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