Thursday, September 1, 2011

Here is what is going on.

This week has been a whirlwind.

There is a lot going on in our house, and there is even more going on in my head.

For no particular reason, this week has been hard.

I have spent many hours crying, feeling the loss of Joshua all over again.

It's so extremely bittersweet to be preparing for the arrival of Luke in November.

We bought a car seat and stroller for Luke. (we borrowed one for Joshua and I couldn't stand to look at it so we gave it back) 

I've found myself looking at it with excitement, but also wondering if we will actually get to use it with him, unlike we did with his older brother.

We've put out a few of the baby things- namely a travel size pack and play, the boppy, and part of the crib. I can't help but look at them and feel sadness mixed in with such joy. Those things were all meant for a life that didn't know what he had waiting for him at home. But now they are meant to be used for that very life's little brother- a brother that was never, according to our plans, supposed to be here because Joshua was going to be our last.

Caleb has been struggling too. Nightmares, or at least, very real dreams, have woken him up the past few nights. The dreams are accompanied with the sobs that only deep breaths and being held tight can take away. He says he dreams of Joshua. He misses him. He sees him playing with the balloon that he sent up to him on his birthday. His room looks just like Caleb's room. He misses his little brother. We wrap up tight in one of the blankets that Joshua used while he was alive, and we talk and pray and cry together.

I consider it such a privilege to be able to be at Caleb's side, helping him through his grief. I can't imagine what it's like for a 5 year old to comprehend the death of his infant brother. I can hardly comprehend it myself and I'm 27. I love the conversations that Caleb and I have about Joshua and Heaven. At the young age of 5, Caleb has such an amazing little faith- He tells me quite frequently that he loves God more than anything, but I know deep down, he is struggling. He asked us a few weeks ago if Joshua died because he didn't pray for him.

There is just such a fine line of forcing the grief on him, and allowing him to work through the grief at his own pace. I don't want to force him to feel the sadness and pain, but I also want to get him the help he needs if and when he needs it. I talked to his teacher this morning and she is going to connect him with the school guidance counselor. I'm hoping this will help give me some insight in how to help. I don't want to make a big deal about it if it truly isn't a big deal, but I also want to support him in whatever way I can to help him through his grief. It's all just so overwhelming.

And finally, I had a regularly scheduled OB appointment yesterday. I feel like I've never really fully recovered after my little UTI/Kidney infection issue a few weeks ago- even upon completion of antibiotics.

I asked the nurse to run my urine sample to make sure the infection was gone. She was happy to do so, and it came back without any bacteria, but a lot of blood (I'm sorry...way TMI! I know). They sent the lab off for a culture and we should know tomorrow if there is some sort of bacteria, but the preliminary report didn't indicate any.

In the mean time, my flank (my back, where my right kidney is located) is tender to the touch and I'm still having some other less than pleasant symptoms. We are looking at the possibility of kidney stones- which I've never been tested or examined for. After some research, I'm fairly sure that I've got stones. There isn't much they can do about them until baby comes out, so it may be LOOOONG  (plus or minus) 11 weeks until delivery. I'm just waiting to hear the final report and then see where we go from there.

So, there you have it. I haven't been in much of a mood to talk, text, blog, or even facebook. I've kinda been in a funk- trying to do wayyyy too much and help my family in the best way I know how all the while struggling with my own grief and poor health.

I'm hoping I will be out of this writing funk soon, though. I feel like if I could just get it all out of me, I would feel much better. We'll see.

Thanks for sticking with me and helping to carry the burden when it becomes to much. This week has definitely been TOO much!


Joe said...

I am sorry to hear you are having such a tough week. I pray that God will lift the burden and replace it with His comfort. I will pray for Caleb as well and that he will be comforted as well. God Bless you all.

Aaron said...

if it's kidney stones, i can only wish you the very best. kidney stones are among the most painful of afflictions, i'm told ... tho you might ask about non-surgical breakup.

and drink lots of water.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Enjoy the weekend, relax and a brand new weeks starts for you to fill with positives.

Mellow said...

Sometimes it hits us when we least expect it. I understand how you feel, and have been in the same boat lately. Hang in there! Praying for you and your family.

Heather said...

I think its terrible that your son has nightmares at 5 years of age. Maybe you should make sure what you say in front of him. He should not have to listen to the fact that his mother cannot get on with her life. I feel sorry for the new baby because you will be wishing he was Joshua. You need to get on with your life and deal with the fact that your baby was sick and died. Cherish him for what he was and not live in the world of what if.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

Wow Heather.

I'm so glad that you know, better than I do, how to grieve the loss of my child. I'm so glad that you know the right and wrong way to help a 5 year old child through grief. I wish it was as cut and dry as you make it out to be. I am always open to suggestions and advice, but not when they are presented with the tone that you wrote your comment in.

We firmly believe that openly talking about Joshua is the best thing for our family. It allows our children to process what happened. We encourage our children to ask any questions they want about Joshua and we explain it all in age appropriate terms to help them understand. We are trying to help them cope in the best way possible- we may not be perfect, and we may not be doing it how YOU would do it, but believe me when I say that we are doing the best we can.

Trust me, I have dealt with the fact that my child was sick and died. I live with that reality every day of my life. It's not something that someone can just "get over." There is processing, grieving, and working through the emotions. You don't seem to understand that, and I pray that you will never personally NEED to understand. I pray that you will never find yourself in a situation like ours.

And, for the record, no. I don't wish this baby was Joshua. Just the same as I don't wish my other children were Joshua. There is room in my heart to love another baby. Yes, my heart misses the baby that was lost- it always will, but it is ready to love another baby- not as a replacement, but as an addition to our family.

Finally, just as you started your comment, I will end my comment. I think it is terrible that you feel the need to tear down rather than lift up and encourage. I can hear in the tone of your writing that you really don't care for me and my family (and I remember other comments that you have left here before- they have never been kind). If that is the case, I would kindly ask that you stop reading here and find some blogs that you do enjoy.

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