Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Falling Asleep

Caleb and Hannah are getting to the age where snuggles are becoming fewer and fewer and for shorter periods of time. They have other (very important) things to do than snuggling with mom. (You know, like breathing fire at each other, or feeding their babies, or defending their hide out from monsters, as well as staying out of the lava by jumping from couch to loveseat to ottoman!) All of those things are much more important that giving love to their dear old mother!

However, tonight Hannah blessed me.

She's been fighting an ear infection and runny nose. She also came home today from a friend's house with a (very small but painful) slice on her hand (we think it was from a dried up old plant that she tried to pull out of the ground). She was exhausted, not feeling the greatest, and her hand hurt after mean old mom helped her wash the "oweeee" with soap and water.

All she wanted to do was snuggle (or as Caleb and Hannah call it- she wanted to "love"). I was happy to oblige.

We rocked and rocked and rocked in the glider. The entire time, I kept waiting for her little head to pop up with her ornery little smile and say "I'm all done loving now." But she never did.

Soon, I heard her breathing become deeper and more relaxed and her little body started occasionally twitching. I knew at that moment that she was asleep.

As I rocked her and felt the tension and excitement of the day leave her body, I thought about how long it has been since I last rocked one of my children to sleep. That answer came quickly and threatened to bring about a flood of tears.

The last time I rocked my child to sleep was on October 5, 2010. That was the last time I would ever rock Joshua to sleep.

As I tried to keep the tears from coming, a sudden feeling of peace and warmth washed over me. I remembered rocking Joshua, telling him how much I loved him. Singing "You are my sunshine" to him as he drifted off in my arms. I felt the love that I had and still have for the baby that I will never get to rock again. I thought about how I gently put him back in his crib, kissed him goodnight, and sat back down in the big blue chair in his NICU room. I always stayed a few extra hours after he fell asleep to answer emails, catch up on things, and make sure that he was nice and settled.

At that moment, I could have easily allowed my emotions to take hold of me, but rather than let the grief take over my mind and my soul, I thanked God for the miracle that Joshua was to our family. I thanked God for the 51 beautiful days that we got to spend with him. I thanked God for the beautiful little girl that was sound asleep in my arms and the precious little boy that was falling asleep in the bed 3 feet away from me. I thanked Him for the promise of eternity with Him, and the chance to help others know who He is.

I quickly let all of the pain go, and lived in the moment with my beautiful and precious daughter fast asleep in my arms- thanking God for another day, another breath and for all the blessings he has given us.


Jessica said...

So beautiful!!

Molly said...

This is beautiful. Love you, Jill.


Kari said...

Praying for Him to give you more perfect and precious moments like this one. XO

Joel's mommy

Hippie_Mama said...

This is so beautiful it brought me to tears. Love you and your family so much, even though we've never met. You remind everyday to love my family as much as physically possible, because they won't always be with me. You have touched my heart and my soul permanently, and I will never forget that. <3

My heart sings for your simple happiness! Sometimes the little things are often the best, especially when its your child. And snuggles do wonders for the soul! We continue to pray for you and your family though, I hope you get your good news soon! <3 Have a great day tomorrow!

Amy said...

Wow. I don't think I could've said it any better than Hippie Mama. <3

Katie said...

I'm so grateful that you can find moments of peace like this, and I pray that you can find more as the days go by. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable moments and difficult times- reading your blog has helped me face my own grief and remember to pray through it all.

melissa said...

Hi name is Melissa and I have been following your blog since before Joshua was born. I have a special request for you (concerning another heart mama) but can't figure out how to email you. Will you please email me at Thank you so much!

Beth W. said...

I thank and praise our wonderful Heavenly Father for the healing I see taking place in your life... continue to be blessed by Him, sister...

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