Friday, February 4, 2011

I May be Done....

Since Joshua died, this blog has been one of my life lines.

It has also been a constant source of contention- both within the online community as well as my real life community.

I never apologize for the things that I write or the way that I process through things. I don't apologize for writing some of my deepest and darkest thoughts- it's all been written with one honest intention in mind- to bring others closer to Christ. However, I just don't know if I can continue on with the constant turmoil that my words seem to bring.

It seems to me that there are many, in real life and in the online community who have taken my words and misconstrued them. They read what I write, make their own assumptions, and then never ask me or talk to me about them. Instead they choose to just ignore it and let me continue on without ever knowing how I've offended or said something wrong. No one has ever come along side me and said "I don't believe this way of thinking is correct, here is what The Word says about this" or "this is what this verse really means." I have never been too proud for correction or learning about God's word.

My intentions with this blog started as a way for me to write about my life. Once we learned about Joshua's heart condition it became a way for me to work through my faith, my struggles, my worries and my triumphs. It became a way for me to share my sweet Joshua with a world that may never know his existence. After he was born and after he died, it became my way of continuing to work out my faith- something I have never claimed to know all the answers to. You see, I majored in elementary education in college- I never took more than the required Bible courses that the university required of me to graduate. I don't claim to have the correct theology or all the answers, all I know is what I have felt like the Holy Spirit has laid on my heart.

My desire with my blog has always been simple: to honor God by allowing others into my world of faith. Some of the things that I have written have been dark, deep, and often times undesirable to read/listen to, but this is my life, my faith, my journey. I know that some of my darker posts have been questionable, but at the same time, I also recognize the fact that I am NOT the only one who has felt this way and that Jesus' blood covers my sins if I am truly repentant.  I love God with my entire being and want nothing more than for my faith to resonate that.

I will not deny that I have really struggled with my faith since Joshua's death. I won't deny my anger towards God. I also won't deny that I don't have all the answers, nor do I claim that all of my theology is completely correct. Take what you will from my blog posts, but also recognize the fact that I am a mere human- untrained in theology. I make mistakes.

At this point in my life, I feel like Shane and I have some big decisions to make. We need to decide where God is calling us and how He is using us. I would like to think that His Will will still include my blog, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I recognize the fact that Satan is at work. I recognize the fact that he is feeling threatened that we have come out of this with our faith still intact. I recognize that Satan would love nothing more than to win the battle for my soul. But I also know that God is always victorious.

I guess what I am trying to say is that Shane and I need to make some big decisions about our life and the life of our family. We need to make decisions about friendships, priorities, and goals. We need to decide what is best for our family and who we are going to allow into our lives that will encourage us, support us, and love us.

I think this may be close to the end of "Fierce and Feisty." It may be time to say good-bye and allow God to show us where to go and what to do without outside influences. It may be time to put an end to the constant turmoil that this blog brings to our family.

I'm not sure what I am going to do. We need to take some time to fast, pray, and really seek God's direction in our lives. I may or may not be back. In my heart, I truly hope that I am back, but if God says "No" then that is what I will do.

Please join us in prayer for our lives. Please pray that God makes himself evident and guides our decisions. Please pray that some of our hurt feelings and frustrations are not because of our own selfishness, and if it is that we will be able to move past them and once again develop healthy relationships.

Thank you all so much for your investment into our lives. I was looking forward to sharing our future with you, but I'm just not sure what God wants. I love you all dearly and I pray that you have come to know Jesus in a real way through my words. That has been my only intention through all of this.

So for now, I guess this is good bye.


Deanna said...

If you are saying goodbye to blogging, it's been nice reading your blogs. I pray blessings on you and your family!

Truthful Mommy said...

I understand Mama. do what is best for you and your family. If you ever need to talk is where you can find me:) *HUGS* God will show you the way, know that my friend!

Peggy said...


Prayers are sent your way. I know God will hear and answer your earnest prayers.

May His peace and love fill you, heal you and guide you, my friend.

You will remain in my prayers,


Ariel said...

I hope you don't go, I think you are amazing.
But if you do, I can certainly understand, and I just want to thank you for sharing with us what you have.

Claire said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beth W. said...

Stay in touch. You have my number. Let God lead your heart. If this is turmoil in your family right now, turmoil and confusion often go hand in hand. The Bible says our God is NOT a god of confusion. He is a God of order. Fasting and praying is the right thing to do. We are praying with you as well. We love you. Be blessed.

Shawn Becker said...

I have tears in my eyes reading your goodbye! I pray that you, and your family, make your decisions and follow the path God has planned for you.
I have enjoyed, cried, anguished, prayed with and for you, via this blog. You are an amazingly strong woman and I want you to know how much you have touched my heart.
I am sure I am speaking for many...WE WILL MISS YOU!
I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers,

Claire said...

I really hope you aren't done, but if you are I understand, of course. You need to do what feels right and best for You and your family. If that means the end of Fierce & Fiesty, then that's what you have to do. I just wanted to say that I have always been one of your supporters. I'd love to stay in touch. If you ever want to catch up or stay in touch as well, you can find me at :
Sunme6 (at) verizon (dot) net

We are here for you, praying for you, and keeping you in our thoughts! {{{HUGS}}}

Michelle said...

i will make a suggestion to you that i gave to someone else who was having the same problem with her blog. she wanted to continue, and enjoyed many of the people she "met" through her blog, but had those few who made her life hell at times. i gave her this suggestion, and she opted to take it. in NO WAY am i trying to persuade you to do the same - i'm simply sharing an idea. you & i have communicated enough that i would hope you know i have nothing but the best desires for you & your family.

if you desire to continue blogging & having those positive people continue to be a part of it, you can set up a new blog & only share its location with those people who you trust and KNOW will not bring any drama or negative comments or attacks your way. it can still be public, but only the people you CHOOSE to share it with will know it's you. and because you would be sharing its location only with those you trust, you can request that they not link to it or share it.

again, this is something that one other person opted to do & it has worked beautifully. but i completely understand if you choose not to do the same. i'm not trying to pressure you at all, simply giving you an alternative in case you want it. :-)

praying for you,

Michelle said...

I haven't ever posted a comment, but have been reading your blog since right after your sweet baby was born. I have loved reading your blog, I think you are one amazing woman, going what you have gone through and still having such a positive outlook! We have been through a rough couple of years, but reading your blog helps keep it in perspective for me.
That being said, I think everyone will understand if you stop blogging, but we will miss you greatly! I will pray for you and you cute little family, and hope whatever decision you make will bring you peace and happiness.

Michelle W

Carla Sue said...

I love you. You know my thoughts and opinions. You are always invited to seek input from me. If this is the end, I am blessed by what you have written and have gratitude for inviting me into your life, via blog and via the dirt world, and for what you have shared. You have inspired me beyond what you will ever know, and blog or no blog, will continue to be my friend and one of the strongest women I have ever known. I understand now why you may need this...boundaries. I love you.

tammy said...

i too, have never commented but have read your story from start to finish. Your wisdom has lifted me in times when I thought there was no hope. It was good to know that I was not the only one who struggles. You will be missed, should you leave. through you I have been blessed.

The Price Family! said...

I hope that you don't leave. I believe that your story is such a strong testimony. I believe there are many people who find themselves wanting to be closer to God instead of running from him in trial. Satan is going to cause your family turmoil as much as he can. But you can't fold to him. Take the turmoil with your head up high. Knowing God is allowing all these things to happen to you to prove to Satan that you and your family are true children of him. Have the faith and patients of Job. Every time I read your post I always think of Job. God is doing big things with your life. Hang in there the test will soon pass and you will be stronger in the Lord. Praying for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

My prayers are with you, as always! I will pray that God gives you wisdom and the strength to make the right decisions for you and your family, whatever those decisions may be.

Love Always!!


Peach said...

I love reading everything you write. So far everything that I've seen on your blog has come from your personal interpretation and your own revelation. You haven't forced that down anyone's throat, and you've made it clear before posting that that verse or this passage stood out to you and helped keep you strong. It's wrong of someone else to say that some verse couldn't mean something different to you than it did to them. The word is meant to be felt in your heart. The word is living and constantly changing it's emotional interpretation to help the individual who is reading it, someone can't call you out on what Holy Spirit spoke to you through the word because that's not how that individual interpreted it.

It's been a learning/growing experience to grow and cry and struggle and mourn and grow with your family. If this is good bye then know that I will keep you in my prayers and think of your family often. If it is not then please keep in mind that Satan will try any way necessary to hurt you and weaken your resolve. Even in the guise of a scorning Christian. I pray strength, love and guidance for you and yours.

Always in our prayers,
Peach and Drummer

Nikki said...

Jill I hope you get the answer you are looking for. I will pray for you. I will also pray for everyone who has caused so much hurt in your heart. I love reading your blog. I love reading about your good days, and I appreciate you when I read about your bad days.

I don't know anyone (personally, anyway) that is 100% correct when it comes to the Scriptures. We all interpret things differently. I don't understand how someone could think this is bad? So what if you're mistaken?

If you are really gone, I will miss you SO much, but I know that your family comes first and you have to do what you have to do.

Love you!

Melinda said...


I support whatever decision you come to about your blog. You've been put through more than anyone should have to go through--and then you've gone through more because of the blog!

I truly enjoy your blog and it is one of the first ones I read each day. I'll miss that if you decide to end it, but I do understand.

You're in my prayers!

Anonymous said...

I have never posted a comment on your posts, but I have been reading your blog for about a month. I lost a baby at 17wks over a year ago. I know my situation is different, but your posts have really touched me. I had so many dark days and reading your thoughts really encouraged me. It was so comforting to know that I wasn't alone in my feelings. If your intention for this blog was to show Christ to others, then you acheieved that. The things you shared were so personal, and I appreciate your honesty and love. Thank you for touching my life and the lives of others. I will continue to pray for you and your family. The pain you have had to bear is unbearable. I think you are truly amazing! Thank you for blessing me! Hugs

Anonymous said...

I think that you are absolutely amazing and if you choose to not continue your blog I will be sad and miss you but completely understand why you need to do this. I have many times considered the same thing for my blog, but in the end it is MINE and my source of comfort so everyone else can back off. Are there days when faith is lacking??? Sure there are but we wouldn't be human if there wasn't and we wouldn't be mothers if we weren't grieving for our precious children. Here is a thought. Keep your blog open but just make it private and invite only friends and family that you want to view it. Then you have it as a source of comfort for you and the naysayers can't invade your life. Whatever your choice, my love and prayers go with you. Thank you for being that source of comfort in a time when I was desperately needing it.

Bryanne said...

I hope God leads you to continue blogging, Friend...

But either way, know I am praying for you and have been since I first learned of you- when you were riding home with the body of your Sweet Joshua in your arms. I don't know if you remember, but I sent you a message that night saying we had carried the body of our sweet boy, Ethan, home the same way on the day he went to be with Jesus (June 4, 2010).

You have ministered to me, and I hope God lets you continue to write here.

If He does not, I am still honored to know you... if only through your powerful words!

With love,


KirstyB said...

Praying for you!! Hoping that, whatever happens with this blog, you know there are people out here who are rooting for you.

Alena said...

Oh hun *hugs* I completely understand, though from a different perspective. I've been struggling with my blogging lately...lots of things going on in our family right now, and for the next few months at least, and I'm not sure I'm ready to share that with the world, especially my real world. I am glad that you and your hubby are praying about this decision; I'm confident that with God you will make the right decision *hugs*

Jennehrm said...

I completely understand that you need to do what is best for you and what God has called you to do. Your little Joshua and all that you have shared has truly changed my life and my faith in God. I hope that this is not it because I do look forward to your posts everyday but accept your decision if it is. May God hold you and your family tight as you heal and I hope for happiness in your future. I do hope that you pop in once in a while or email occasionally ( to let us know how you are doing. Once again thank you for sharing your life, your grief and your faith and most of all - thank you for sharing your precious little Joshua. I am a better person having known him. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Walk with your head held high and your face in the sun. We are human, we do things right, we do things wrong......but how ever you do things in your life make sure you do it YOUR WAY!!!
Best of luck and wishes:)

McEngland like the McCountry said...

By all means, do whatever you have to do for your family and yourself. I'm praying and sending all the love in the world your way. You are an inspiration and I can clearly see the hand of God moving you in amazing ways. I'm sorry for the nightmare you've been handed . I'm trying to find the right words to say here without sounding insulting or crazy... but thank you for allowing your mother's heart to lay open with grief and allowing all the other mamas to help you carry a little bit of that grief and better see all of Christ's amazing miracles among the mundane. You have brought so much GLORY to God's amazing kingdom. I'm sorry, it still sounds inadequate. Of course, I'm sending all my prayers and all the love in the world to you. Hoping you find a way to keep in touch, friend.

Darby McCormick said...

Like a few of the other commenters, I've never commented before, but now that you're thinking about closing your blog, I guess I had better do it now.

I've been reading your blog for months, since just shortly after Joshua died. Your blog made me cry on a regular basis, and repeatedly, as I sat trying to read your words through blurry, tear filled eyes, I would think to myself "Why do I keep coming back and reading this blog. My heart hurts so much for her and her family, but reading this just makes me cry. Why do I keep coming back?". It didn't really take me long to figure it out. I keep reading because your pain and loss reminds me daily not to take my 16 month old son for granted. It reminds me to have patience with him when he's being extra whiny, devious, messy or tiring. Then you wrote the post about your birthday. Your 27th birthday. I was already 27 and that post hit me in the face as hard as any you'd ever written. For some reason, when I read about your heart ache and the struggles you had faced, my brain made you older. Someone my age couldn't have to deal with that tragedy. But that birthday post proved it to me, your struggles could just as easily be mine. Not only weren't you older and thus some how more able to deal with Joshua's death, but you are younger than me. Younger. How could someone younger than me have already had to live such hurt? That fact made me that much more conscious of my blessings. Thank you.

I pray that you'll find what is right for you and your family in everything you do.


MommyCara said...

I found your blog through Cecily K (UpperCase Woman) who I've followed for nearly 5 years now. Divine inspiration brought me back here today to read your thoughts on leaving.

I hope God leads you to comfort, grace, and serenity.

Lindsay Partridge said...

Thank you so much for everything you've shared. You've had an impact on my life and my relationship with God. You've opened my eyes to the world of CHD and made me much more aware of the community and needs out there. When my next child is born, I will ask for the pulse oximetry screening that I learned about through you and Cora's Story. Thank you. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Praying for Joshua during his short life was one of the most intense, humbling prayer experiences of my life, and it forever changed my relationship with God. My faith is stronger than ever now, and you had a big impact on that.
With love and best wishes,
Lindsay Partridge

Rainy said...

God bless you and your family Jill.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jill,
I've also never commented before. I found your blog through Cora's Story and have read all of your story. My heart breaks for you and your family, and all you have had to put up with from people who shouldn't be judging others. You are strong and brave and beautiful. You have suffered more pain than anyone should ever have to, but you are rising and making a difference in our world. Thankyou. The world needs more people like you. Your blog reminds me to hug my daughter tighter and for longer and thank God for my blessings. I have appreciated your refreshing honesty. I hope the future holds good things for you and your family and that you physically feel God's love more and more often. I thought that post you wrote about it was the most beautiful post. Good luck in your future. Thankyou for allowing me to silently include you in my day. Love and hugs.

CHD Fighter said...

Jill ... I have read your blog and followed you on Twitter and FB (can't find your profile anymore so I'm wondering if you deactivated it) ... whatever you decide ... go with your heart ... I love reading your blogs, they have made me laugh, cry, and pray and sometimes all three at the same time ... I can only pray that you and your family will go in the direction God is leading you and if that is for us to only talk by email or not at all ... I will forever remember your son, your family, and be praying for you ... I'll even wonder how you're doing years from now even if we never speak again ... I'll send you love and blessings from afar ... you have helped bring me closer to God, learn to grieve my own loss of my child, and taught me it's okay to be raw and honest while doing so ... I will miss knowing it's okay to be mad, stomp my feet, and scream outloud, but I'll also miss hearing about how Hannah and Caleb are making you giggle and love life all at the same time ... I miss reading about you and Shane's love and beautiful family ... I will miss you ... but that is not enough of a reason to stay ... if you are feeling this is pulling you away from anything positive or anything for your family's best interest ... I'll miss you but I will want you to be happy, have a great relationship with your family (without mine or anyone's 2 cents included), and I know you'll be fine with or without blogging ... you are one of the strongest people I've "met" online ... you always had the true Christian spirit ... and let's be honest NONE of us know theology even theologists ... God loves you ... God loves you ... and sometimes that is all you need to know ... reading the Bible and quoting scripture isn't about being right or wrong it's about trying to love God the best way you know how by reading the words left for those who are lucky enough to believe in them ... do what is right, by your soul, by your heart, by your family, by yourself ... and when and if you want to come back I know I'll be reading it and praying for you ... and if you don't ... I know I'll be missing you and praying for you ... always ...

just incase you'd like to stay in touch

Erin CHD Survivor

Anonymous said...

I'll never forget the first day I found your blog. It was the very week that Joshua passed away. I sat in front of my laptop reading your story, sobbing until my stomach hurt and my eyes were red and swollen. I am a mom to four little ones and my mother's heart just hurt so much for your family. I cannot begin to imagine all that you have been through but I do know this-before Joshua, and before this blog I had no clue about CHD. I was plodding along through life, working, cooking, cleaning etc with an attitude that more than occasionally teetered on ungrateful. Reading this blog hit me so hard, I was reminded right then and there that God didn't have to give me any of this, that everything in my life is because of Him. Since then, I have lived my live with a renewed commitment to Christ and a passion for spreading the word about CHD. I can say without any doubt that even though we've never met face to face you have profoundly changed my life. I hope that you will continue to share Joshua's story through whatever avenue you choose. You continue to amaze me every day with your strength, courage and your willingness to proclaim God's goodness. I will continue to pray for you, blog or no blog (although your presence here will certainly be missed:-). Thank you Jill for telling your story, your family means so much to so many. Your sweet baby boy will always be remembered!!

StevenSauke said...

Thank you for your blog. I appreciate your honesty, and I think it has encouraged many more people than it's angered. In a way, it reminds me of the book of Psalms. David had a similar way of writing his feelings and pouring out his heart. He was not always happy, but he was always honest. When he was mad at God, he admitted it. But I love how even most of the Psalms where he was upset, he ended up praising God anyway. I guess you could call Psalms the original blog.

Whatever you decide, I will support you. I'm fairly new to Blogger, but one thing I thought of while reading this post was this: Is there a way of making it private, and only allowing people you know and trust access?

Reading the previous comments, I can tell that you've had a great impact on a lot of people, many of whom have never commented until now. My opinion is that you should continue, but maybe make the readership on a case-by-case basis, or move the blog and only share the link with people you know and trust, as someone else suggested. Again, whatever you decide, I will support you, and know that we all love you and are praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I hope you do not end your blog. Please consider this: Perhaps satan is using these people with the negative comments as a way to get you to stop your blog which is definately a great testimony for Christ and helps so many.

BlessedMommy said...

*My* vote is for you to keep at it, but we all know it's God's vote that really matters.

It's been your highs/lows and questioning of faith that have been so raw that Christians and non-Christians have had to take notice. To imply that a Christian journey is not without bumps and stumbles would be a huge disservice for those who are searching.

I wish there were a way to see how many people you've brought to God.

Love you!

Anonymous said...

Hi Jill ~ You have been an inspiration to so many...and it saddens me to think that there are people out there who would be so ugly to a family who has gone through everything yours has. (Those people need our prayers more than anyone else, I guess.)

I know it is your desire that people never forget Joshua...even though we never got to meet him in person. I can promise you that every year, on my birthday (October 7th), I will be thinking about sweet Joshua and your family. My prayers are with you and your family.

Jaymie said...

Hey friend! Regardless of what God calls you to do, I hope we can continue being friends. I have had the distinct pleasure of praying for you and your family daily (sometimes more than once a day) for about 4 months now. I want you to know that while I remember Joshua, and I praise God for his short life~ I log in to your blog daily to check on YOU. Prayer is a powerful thing, and my life has been blessed deeply by praying for you~ not financially, or emotionally, but spiritually BLESSED. Finding God's will for our lives is the number one go, because I believe the true desire of each Christian is to enter those gates and hear those wonderful words "Well, done." Good luck on your journey, and I hope that journey still allows me to be able to check on you, pray for you, and share the scripture God puts in my heart for you. (We are friends on facebook, but I think you deleted that account...) I will email you later,so you have my contact info, but know that today (like most) I am lifting you up in prayer and loving you from far away. Your stories have broken my heart and brought tears to my eyes, and I am forever changed. You, my dear friend, are a BLESSING.

ajett said...


I have only posted once (or maybe twice) but I can say that I read DAILY. I look several times a day in case I missed it. I truly appreciate you sharing your family's life with us, and want you to know that - like many of the others above - your words and faith have touched me like nothing else has ever been able to do. Yes, I have always been a Christian, but it wasn't until I found your blog (just after Joshua was born) that I recognized my faults in my faith and spirituality and have been trying to work on them. As a 27 y/o mother of two (the one who said I hoped I got a Twilight cake for my b-day, too. Didn't happen, but I DID get all three movies!) I have been able to relate to your daily stories as a person and mother. You make me crack up and people look at me like I'm crazy. You make me cry when I can't imagine how your pain feels. I hope that I can one day be as strong and confident in my faith as you are. YOU, Jill, are inspiration. YOU are amazing. YOU are a blessing. Go where God needs you. Only He knows, but I *hope* that it includes your continued writing :)

All my love and prayers,

Amanda (from New Albany, IN)

Heather said...

Good-bye Jill, until we "meet" again. :) I hope and pray that you will find the answers you are looking for. Much love to you and your family!

Kari said...

There are times when suffering is called for a "greater good". When I read your blog, I smile, even when it's on your darkest days, because it's SO EVIDENT that even on those days your blog has brought LIGHT and TRUTH to the world. You have brought and meant so much to so many, and no matter what those people say, you are a perfect picture of a Godly woman. I am proud of you, regardless of what you do. Every book has chapters in it. I pray for you everyday.

Kari, joel's mommy.

Anonymous said...

I just want you to know that I have enjoyed following your blog and all that you have shared. I pray that you will continue in your faith of our Heavenly Father and that He will continue to bless your sweet family.
Laurie (Utah)

Mary Matsuno said...

Thank you for sharing your heart and Joshua's story. I understand your situation, I will miss you. God bless you and your family in your future adventures.
Thanks again for sharing.
Mary Matsuno

Anonymous said...

Jill & Family,
you don't know me. I found your blog a few weeks before Joshua was born and only commented once, the time Joshua passed away. I want you to know that I believe you are a wonderful, strong and intelligent woman. I enjoy reading your blog, the ups and downs, the happy, the sad, the goofy and when you are looking for your path. I can totally understand if you decide to not blog anymore, but I hope you will find a way to continue on because your words, your story, Joshuas story, your faith and your family have touched many ppl along the way. If you do decide to go I want to wish you and your family all the best and more, you deserve it!

Best wishes from Germany

The McCammons said...

Your strength, yours faithfullness, your love of your family is what keeps bringing me back. I am so sorry that this is causing so much termoil in your family and with everyone else. Please know there are many of us prayers for you all.

Lisa said...

I pray God will give you wisdom in all of these decisions. I, for one, will miss you if this is the end of this blog.


Anonymous said...

Hi Jill!

I have followed your blog for some time now and I love it! There are no words to thank you enough for all the good you have done for me and countless other people. I pray that in this time that you make the perfect decision for you and your family.
Jill-your blog has changed my life, and I thank you for that. And I know that no matter what your decision, you will somehow, someway continue to change lives. I will continue to raise your entire family in prayer!
Much love and gratitude for what you where willing to do!
Jessica Scranton

Nikke said...

I've been a lurker for awhile now and have enjoyed reading your blog.
I'll be praying for you and your family.
If you do not come back, I hope everything goes well in your life and you find what you need to do =]

nicugradsmom said...

I hope you find peace in you decision, whatever it may be. Just know that you and Joshua touched my heart and soul and I will be forever grateful for the pleasur of getting to meet and share the wonder of Joshua's life. Your family is forever in my heart. I understand why you want to stop. I love you and I look forward to see you again....

Anonymous said...

I have also never posted a comment but I have been reading since before Joshua's death. You are an amazing, strong woman. I have prayed for you and cried with you. Thank you for being so honest about your faith and sharing your life and family with us all.

Veronica said...

I think you should follow your heart on knowing when/if you should post... but you do have a gift of opening eyes and hearts to what really matters in life. Several times a day I think of you and Joshua... we were just a month behind you in the pregnancy and since my last pg was a SCH loss, I felt so much in common with you. I've read your blog every single day though I don't always have a chance to comment. My heart baby is now 4 months old and I cannot even describe how much of an impact Joshua's short life had on how I live my life with this precious child... every day is treated as if there were no more. You gave me a gift of awareness, and I thank you deeply for it. We have Gtube issues, I worry so much about his heart, he was born without an ear... but the big picture is that we can celebrate life and that is all that really matters. I pray for you often and will continue every day.

Michele said...

Jill, you must do what is right for your family, but know that you will be greatly missed by those of us who have been so inspired by your blog. I'll be praying for you and your family.

Chrissy said...

I really hope you're not finished blogging, but of course you must do what feels best to you - for you, and for your family. I will always keep you guys in my prayers, whether you're here or not, but please know that I would miss you madly if you go away permanently.

Autumn said...

i, too, have never posted, but have been reading since september when i found your blog via teamewan. just wanted to say, i understand if you don't continue to blog, but i wish you and your family many blessings. May God bless you in the coming year,
autumn in indy

Anonymous said...

Yours is the ONLY blog I read on a daily basis. If you quit, where will my inspiration come from?

First time commenter...

Lindsay Clark said...

Dear Jill -- I too will be sad to see you go if you choose to end Fierce and Fiesty. But I also understand you have to do what is right for you on your journey as a woman, mom, wife, and Christian.

Please don't ever apologize for (as I mentioned a few months back) 'getting real' with God and about your faith. As Steven already mentioned, your blog is reminiscent of the Psalms of David. I'm so saddened that people would stoop to wounding you further for being open and honest about your journey. Your open-and-honest meditations will always be pleasing in the sight of our Creator.

My prayers go with you wherever you go.

Your friend in Toronto, Canada,
Lindsay Clark.

carm said...

I have been a "voyeur" of your blog--a friend a Fairmeadow Church in Munster hooked me up with your site and I have been following your blog regularly since Joshua was born. It has been like a devotional to me in that it points me to God's word and to a closer relationship with our Saviour. I appreciate your need to be obedient and to do what is best for you and your family. I can only echo the previous post because it is stated so well--indeed, your open and honest meditations will always be pleasing in the sight of our creator. You have just been willing to be vulnerable and share your feeling with all of us! My prayers will continue to be with you and your family whether you are blogging or not.

Carmen Peterson
Highland, IN

Anonymous said...

Dear Jill,
You have accomplished what you set out to do. Reading your blog has been both a heartbreaking and joyful journey.

My faith has been greatly enhanced.

I have loved you from afar. If this is it, please know that I will never stop praying for you and your beautiful family.

May God belss you above and beyond all you could ask or think.


Another Redhead

Anonymous said...

God is speaking to you. Listen. He is telling you to focus on your family. We hear him but we listen to others to hear what we want to hear. If anything causes your family pain, run from it. Focus on healing and loving. God Bless You. God is calling. You are lucky, some never hear His call.

Jennifer from AZ said...

I just want you to know how much you have blessed my heart. I cannot ever imagine what your pain has been or is but I know that God is real and Jesus loves you so much and to see your blog every day has actually pulled me through some of the hardest days of my life , days that seemed unbearable but God showed me this blog and with your words of hurt,pain,anger, love and tears I didnt feel alone. Thank you so much for sharing with us for as long as you have and thank you Lord for Jill, thank you Father for bringing her closer to you and healing her as she walks through this journey of her life, thank you Lord for holding her up in your arms and directing her to the right people that will comfort her, love her , understand her and help her to heal only YOU JESUS know what is best for her so we thank you for your continued direction in her life. Amen. You are loved Jill and I am so greatful to of known this blog, I too agree with everyone when I say do what is best for you and your family. God loves you and we understand completely if you can no longer do this.
Love you Jill

The Porn Widow said...

Jill, as I sit here with my four month old son and read this post and these comments... I am amazed. Look how many people you've touched, mine included, that have been privately reading your story and praying for your family! Of course you have to do what's in God's will as far as wether or not you keep your blog, but don't think for a second that God hasn't used you and the life of your sweet boy to touch people and to further His cause. You are loved and prayed for by people who don't even know you. You are blessed. We'll be thinking of you. God bless.

mrs.g said...

You do what you need to do for yourself. If blogging has become a burden, then don't do it anymore. You have to nourish yourself. Sending prayers your way for a healing heart <3.

Wayne and Sue Rasmussen said...

Jill, I have posted comments a few times ... most of the time, others have expressed my feelings so well that adding anything seemed ridiculously unnecessary.
I found your blog just shortly after Joshua was born and have been reading it regularly. Like an earlier post said, I remember that day ... I sat and read your story from the very beginning with tears in my eyes. My husband kept saying, "What are you doing? What are you reading?" I couldn't even answer him properly, as I was so overwhelmed with what I was seeing. My mommy's heart was, and still is, hurting for you too acutely to even think about anything else.
Although I have never been tested and tried so severely in my life that I questioned my faith, I have had no doubt that our Father in heaven was perfectly comfortable with your gut wrenching & honest questions. I don't think any of us can claim that we never ask God "why" at times, and we should certainly understand the questions of anyone who has lost a child. It just seems so unnatural, so abnormal ... dare I say it ... so wrong for a child to die!
It has been an honor to "share" your life & struggles, and I like the others will miss hearing about your sweet family if you choose to end this blog. I believe the Lord has used you to encourage many, many people through what you have written as you have poured out your heart. Your choice to be publicly vulnerable has affected us all, and I know we will all join in prayer that God will reveal to you & Shane what His will is for you. God bless you in whatever you decide, and know that we will continue to pray for you.
Looking forward to meeting you some day, and we will, either here or in heaven! Love you sister!

Joe said...


I very rarely post a comment on your blog but I check it almost daily. Through your blog you have given me stronger faith, stronger desire to be closer to God, perspective in my life, and many other things. Joshua has touched many lives including mine through his and I thank you for sharing it. I hope to see you back at some point but if not, I pray for you and your family, for God's guidance and strength in your lives.

God Bless Jill,


Jen & Dave said...

God bless you and your family! It's been nice reading your blog, and I hope to see you @ the march of dimes walk! Daylen's surgery is 6 weeks away so he will def be comin along with us! :)

Anonymous said...

This is the first time I have commented and I dont even remember how I found your blog but it was right before Joshua was born and have followed your family ever since. I have 2 boys, 5 and 2 the oldest Karson was born with CHD Dextrocardia, Transposition of the Great vessals thats just 2 of the many defects. He has had 3 open heart surgerys, 6 caths and a host of other things. We also live in indiana:) (southern part)I love to read your blogs and they never have offended me in anyway. Thank you and I will continue to pray for you and your family!!!!

The Cox Family said...

JIll - I believe that your honesty and transparency shows that as Christians we are imperfect. We try to do and say the rights things, but don't. Some people call that hypocrisy, but it's not. It's real. It's human. You have shown the world that we do the best we can. We struggle too. You have shown people a realness and trueness that is unseen in our culture today. Thank you for that. Of course we would all love to still here from you, but follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. He will guide your steps in the way you should go. Love you girl!

shelbysgrandma said...

Jill as you pray and try to decide the direction you should take with your blog, I would like to say that if your blog has helped just 1 person it was worth the blogging. You have traveled down a road not one of us wants to go down, but you did it with love, honesty and shared your thoughts every step of the road. I can't even remember how I found your blog, but spent that whole day reading it. The one you wrote about what to say to someone that has a loss of any kind - helped me to know what to say to my daughter-in-law that just lost her mother suddenly. She went in for carotid artery surgery and came out on life support. My dil and her family stayed at the hospital until she passed away 2 days later. I find you to be a brave girl sharing your experiences with perfect strangers. I know your blog has helped others as it has helped me. I will pray for you.

May said...

Jill, I too have lost my baby. Mine was stillborn at 26weeks. For 6 weeks I prayed that God will heal her. I have learned that you must stand up for faith and use your experiences to encourage and support others. Others will not know or understand how you feel...Many people hurt you. May God give you a the right direction to take.

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