Thursday, February 10, 2011

I've decided....

After a week of praying, reading my Bible (specifically the book of Job and Psalm), and many MANY discussions with Shane, I have decided that I am not going to give up blogging.

I have been blogging for over 5 years now. (4 of those years on xanga)

It has been something that I have done before I had children, before we knew about Caleb, Hannah, and Joshua. It has always been a good outlet for me and I have forged some amazing friendships from it.

I have not felt at peace about giving up my blog, however, I've come to the conclusion that I need to have some boundaries in this crazy virtual world.

When I wrote my last post, a week ago, I deactivated my Facebook account and shut down my Twitter account. Since then I have reactivated my Facebook, but I have not been on it (other than to send out invites to Caleb's birthday party this weekend). I decided today that I am going to come back to Facebook but on a very limited basis. It sucked up too much of my time and I can't go back to it the way that I had before- my children and my husband need me.

I also will NOT be reopening my Twitter account. There were too many people following me that were simply following me to criticize my every move. I got easily sucked into the tweeting world and it severely affected my family time. I can't continue on the way that I did.

I've decided that I simply cannot/do not want to give up my blog. It has been my outlet and my way of processing through my life. It is a fun way for me to share our family's adventures, the funny things Caleb and Hannah say and do, and how we live life. I don't want to give that up and I don't feel like God is telling me to. I (and Shane too) feel like God is calling me to be a better steward of my time- not spending as much as I was on Facebook and Twitter.

There have been some discussions about where my priorities are and who my friends are. I have been struggling with feeling alone and forgotten. Since Joshua's death, relationships (and pretty much everything else) have changed for me. There have been a few who have stepped up to the plate and others that have fallen silent. I have reached the point of being truly OK with that.

The support that I have is different than I expected, but the support that I have is enough (it's taken me too long to figure that out). I have 4-5 people locally who have been a great support for me. I have a few people that I know I can call any time of the day if I need them. I have had my feelings hurt by those who haven't stepped up in the way that I expected them to, but I have to realize that it is not an issue with me personally. I cannot expect the world to drop everything for me when I am having a rough day. I am sincerely sorry for basically being a spoiled brat and throwing a big hissy fit when my expectations were not met. I am sorry for ever discounting the support that I DO have and making those people feel like they aren't enough. I realize that I am, in fact, extremely lucky and blessed to have a few special people step up and get messy with my life.

I recognize that I have changed, that my relationships have changed, and that not everyone is going to know how to help me. I also realize that not everyone understands exactly what we are going through, and are terrified of adding to our pain. I recognize that we are living a parent's worst nightmare and that it hits too close to home for many. I recognize how selfish I have been through my grieving process, but I also know that I have to allow myself to feel the things that I need to feel, and do the things that I need to do to help with my healing. My healing process is about me. I simply can't do what others think is best for me.

I also realize that I have been putting too much stock into how others think I should be acting/grieving/healing. After many long discussions with Shane and a very dear friend of mine we have come to the conclusion that I only need to worry about what Shane, myself, and God think about how I heal. Shane sees me day in and day out. He sees me laughing, joking, loving my children, and living life (he also sees my struggles, he knows my heart, and he knows if/when I reach my breaking point). He knows me better than anyone else. He knows that I am struggling, but he has told me that he honestly thinks that I am doing OK and I agree. I trust his opinion of me- he knows my "baseline" of functioning. He sees the change in me yet also understands that I will never be the same. He has been with me through all of it. The same is true for God.

Finally, I also want to recognize how healing my blog has been for me. It has added to my pain because of the words and actions of others, but for me to be able to write about what I'm feeling has allowed me to process through my thoughts, my feelings, and my faith. By opening myself up to others, I have been able to find the support of others who have walked in my shoes. By opening myself up to others, I know that Christ has been glorified even in my ugliest moments and that Joshua's life has not been in vain. I realize that the way that I grieve may not be seen as effective or healthy to others, but I don't feel like there is a right or wrong way to grieve. We each have our own ways of working through our losses and what works for one person may be the farthest thing from healing for another.


Shane and I still have a lot that we need to figure out. We feel like God is slowly closing some doors in our lives but we are also trusting that He will open doors when His timing is right. Our lives have been changed forever, we have experienced death in a way that most don't even want to think about- to assume that friendships, our lives, and relationships will be the same is wrong. We will never be the same and sometimes that change in ourselves means giving up things that were once good and healthy for us because they no longer are. It's no one's fault- it's just how it is.

All that being said, I want to thank you all for your kind words of encouragement, your love, and your prayers for our family. I want to thank you for sticking by us, laughing and crying with us, and sharing life with us.


It feels good to be back.... :o)





34 comments:

Carla Sue said...

I love you. :)

Anonymous said...

Jill,
What an amazingly strong and insightful young woman you are! I'm glad to see that you've decided to continue your blog. You are such an encouragement to me - and to so many others.

You and your family remain in our prayers~
Kati Dunn

Amy said...

So glad you're back, my friend! Love you!

Sarah said...

Welcome back! I look forward to reading more from you, and hope that I can be an encouragement to you as you are to me.

I totally get the twitter thing. I don't like the lack of control over who sees you - and I have thought about dumping it myself. I also hear you on the steward of your time thing. Again - something I am working through too, and need to figure out... I am happy to have your example to lean on when making some of these tough choices myself.

((hugs))

baby foot fluff said...

glad you're back, I missed you. =)

Jennifer from Az said...

Dear Jill-
I cannot thank you enough for cominig back onto your blog its a hard thing to deal with your own feelings ,your relationship with God, family , marriage and parenting skills so I cannot imagine how you must feel dealing with ANY negative input towards a stranger saying something negative about you! So God bless you on your continued journey!!!
Thank you again and again for not giving up on this, I really truely believe its apart of your healing process!
Just keep swimming just keep swimming!!!
love your friend from Arizona!!
Jennifer

Peach said...

Welcome back. So glad to see your words again!

Angela said...

I am so happy to see this post. You are doing amazing and your honesty, truth, and openness are truly encouraging to me.

Danielle said...

I am glad. :-)

Anonymous said...

I simply love your heart Jill. - Leslie Steese

Shawn Becker said...

Oh, I was thrilled to see your post today! Welcome home!
By reading this post, I could feel God's loving arms around you.Take care my friend.

Melinda said...

Yay! I'm so glad you're staying! You are such an inspiration!

The Price Family! said...

YAY!!! IM SO GLAD YOU ARE BACK! Still praying for you and your family.

Brooke said...

Jill, you are an inspiration for so many. Please never stop blogging. I definitely find blogging to be therapeutic.

Tiffany said...

Welcome back, Jill! I'm so glad you decided to continue your blog:)

The Porn Widow said...

You tease you! ;o) Glad you're back!

Anonymous said...

Yippeee! Glad you are back! -Trista

Beth W. said...

Praise God from whom all blessings flow! You are listening to Him and that is what counts. Love ya sis!

Young's said...

Jill,

I'm glad you decided to continue to blog....

I don't have a twitter account however both my husband and myself closed our FB accounts last summer as we agreed it was way to consuming and I needed to be a mom to my boys instead of being on FB. So I understand that!

Reading your blog daily is very encouraging to me so again...glad you came back!!

Jill

Leah said...

Jill,
I am so glad you still will be blogging! Your posts just seep God's grace and it is absolutely beautiful. THANK YOU. (:
Walking with the King,
in love, in Christ.
~Leah

Rainy said...

Glad you are back! :)

Amy said...

Yay!!! Glad you're back. I started to comment on your last post several times, but couldn't seem to find the right words to tell you what your blog meant to me. You're an inspiration to many and Joshua lives on in many of our hearts. Thank you Jill for sharing him with us.

jerrod said...

so glad you are back....

Make it on your terms. We will be here. :)

carm said...

Figuring out healthy boundaries that work for you is a good thing! Missed you and am happy that you are back. Will continue to pray for you and your family!

Tammie said...

I'm so glad you are back. I'm here always, however you need me to be! love, love, love you!

Beckytwogirls said...

I'm glad to see that you didn't permit the naysayers to defeat you! I can't begin to understand how someone, anyone, can dare criticize another in your situation. It's just scary to me that fragile emotions can spur such ickiness in people. At any rate, I was hoping you wouldn't give in. Grief is journey - you say whatever you want.

Lisa said...

Glad to have you back! Our family continues to pray for you and yours!

Jennehrm said...

Yay! I'm so glad you decided to come back!! I missed you so much in the few days you were silent. It's amazing how much I look forward to reading your posts.

Erin said...

YAY!!!! So glad to see you back. I Have cut WAY back on my computer time in general and have started pretty much going offline on the weekends. It helps A LOT.

And if you ever change your mind, you can reopen your Twitter account with protected tweets...you have to approve everyone who wants to follow you and only THEY can see your tweets.

Wayne and Sue Rasmussen said...

So glad you are still here! It took me years to figure out what was important and what was not. Glad you are taking the time to work through that.

firstlightofdawn said...

Dear Jill,
So happy to see your inspirational words again.

To spring clean is not such a bad thing. Time is something that must always be re-prioritized. That said, I think you were wise to deactivate Twitter. Mean-spirited people suck. To a large degree, you get to decide who and what you subject yourself to. You are in a lifelong process of healing. You don't need wounds inflicted by people who simply have nothing better to do.

A wise man told me a few months ago that the time I've spent stressing about mean people is precious, valuable time taken away from those who love me most.

Anonymous said...

Jill

You need to think of what matters most to you and your family, this blog is your outlet. I look forward to reading it and I think you describe your feelings and open my eyes to a whole lot. I may not have a child with CHD but I do know families that do and you are an inspiration.

FB and Twitter are not the correct outlet for you obvious and who cares what everyone things...live your life for you, be a little selfish and give yourself some time to heal and grieve. May God be with you every step of the way.

Debbie

Leanne said...

I'm glad you are going to keep blogging! I don't know how I would ever be able to give up blogging. My Xanga friends are too dear to me!

Shannon Pritchard said...

My heart is with you and your family. I am blessed that my child is currently safe health wise but I take nothing for granted and I will think of your family and when we say our prayers we will include your baby Joshua in them. Please take care and live like there is no tomorrow.

 
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