I've decided....

After a week of praying, reading my Bible (specifically the book of Job and Psalm), and many MANY discussions with Shane, I have decided that I am not going to give up blogging.

I have been blogging for over 5 years now. (4 of those years on xanga)

It has been something that I have done before I had children, before we knew about Caleb, Hannah, and Joshua. It has always been a good outlet for me and I have forged some amazing friendships from it.

I have not felt at peace about giving up my blog, however, I've come to the conclusion that I need to have some boundaries in this crazy virtual world.

When I wrote my last post, a week ago, I deactivated my Facebook account and shut down my Twitter account. Since then I have reactivated my Facebook, but I have not been on it (other than to send out invites to Caleb's birthday party this weekend). I decided today that I am going to come back to Facebook but on a very limited basis. It sucked up too much of my time and I can't go back to it the way that I had before- my children and my husband need me.

I also will NOT be reopening my Twitter account. There were too many people following me that were simply following me to criticize my every move. I got easily sucked into the tweeting world and it severely affected my family time. I can't continue on the way that I did.

I've decided that I simply cannot/do not want to give up my blog. It has been my outlet and my way of processing through my life. It is a fun way for me to share our family's adventures, the funny things Caleb and Hannah say and do, and how we live life. I don't want to give that up and I don't feel like God is telling me to. I (and Shane too) feel like God is calling me to be a better steward of my time- not spending as much as I was on Facebook and Twitter.

There have been some discussions about where my priorities are and who my friends are. I have been struggling with feeling alone and forgotten. Since Joshua's death, relationships (and pretty much everything else) have changed for me. There have been a few who have stepped up to the plate and others that have fallen silent. I have reached the point of being truly OK with that.

The support that I have is different than I expected, but the support that I have is enough (it's taken me too long to figure that out). I have 4-5 people locally who have been a great support for me. I have a few people that I know I can call any time of the day if I need them. I have had my feelings hurt by those who haven't stepped up in the way that I expected them to, but I have to realize that it is not an issue with me personally. I cannot expect the world to drop everything for me when I am having a rough day. I am sincerely sorry for basically being a spoiled brat and throwing a big hissy fit when my expectations were not met. I am sorry for ever discounting the support that I DO have and making those people feel like they aren't enough. I realize that I am, in fact, extremely lucky and blessed to have a few special people step up and get messy with my life.

I recognize that I have changed, that my relationships have changed, and that not everyone is going to know how to help me. I also realize that not everyone understands exactly what we are going through, and are terrified of adding to our pain. I recognize that we are living a parent's worst nightmare and that it hits too close to home for many. I recognize how selfish I have been through my grieving process, but I also know that I have to allow myself to feel the things that I need to feel, and do the things that I need to do to help with my healing. My healing process is about me. I simply can't do what others think is best for me.

I also realize that I have been putting too much stock into how others think I should be acting/grieving/healing. After many long discussions with Shane and a very dear friend of mine we have come to the conclusion that I only need to worry about what Shane, myself, and God think about how I heal. Shane sees me day in and day out. He sees me laughing, joking, loving my children, and living life (he also sees my struggles, he knows my heart, and he knows if/when I reach my breaking point). He knows me better than anyone else. He knows that I am struggling, but he has told me that he honestly thinks that I am doing OK and I agree. I trust his opinion of me- he knows my "baseline" of functioning. He sees the change in me yet also understands that I will never be the same. He has been with me through all of it. The same is true for God.

Finally, I also want to recognize how healing my blog has been for me. It has added to my pain because of the words and actions of others, but for me to be able to write about what I'm feeling has allowed me to process through my thoughts, my feelings, and my faith. By opening myself up to others, I have been able to find the support of others who have walked in my shoes. By opening myself up to others, I know that Christ has been glorified even in my ugliest moments and that Joshua's life has not been in vain. I realize that the way that I grieve may not be seen as effective or healthy to others, but I don't feel like there is a right or wrong way to grieve. We each have our own ways of working through our losses and what works for one person may be the farthest thing from healing for another.


Shane and I still have a lot that we need to figure out. We feel like God is slowly closing some doors in our lives but we are also trusting that He will open doors when His timing is right. Our lives have been changed forever, we have experienced death in a way that most don't even want to think about- to assume that friendships, our lives, and relationships will be the same is wrong. We will never be the same and sometimes that change in ourselves means giving up things that were once good and healthy for us because they no longer are. It's no one's fault- it's just how it is.

All that being said, I want to thank you all for your kind words of encouragement, your love, and your prayers for our family. I want to thank you for sticking by us, laughing and crying with us, and sharing life with us.


It feels good to be back.... :o)