Friday, January 14, 2011

The End- Before it Began

Joshua died.

He was born 2 hours away from where we live.

After he died, we had to bring his body back to our town to say our final good-byes.

We were given the choice to have him transported or to transport him ourselves.

We chose to transport him ourselves.

They gave us the proper forms.

I carried him on my lap.

The most excruciating and painful trip we have ever made.

Shane driving.

 Me in the front seat.

 Joshua in my lap- covered in a blanket.

The first time his skin touched the sun.

The sun couldn't warm it.


We asked if it was ok to take him home first.

 He had never been.

They said it was ok- we just couldn't keep him overnight.

We took him home.

The first time he was home- with us. He was gone.

We hadn't told Caleb and Hannah yet.

How do you explain that their baby brother died to a 2 year old and a 4 year old?

What words do you use?

We brought him into our home.

We sat together in the living room.

We explained that this would be the only time Joshua would be home.

Hannah was excited. Mommy hadn't been home in over 7 weeks.

 All she knew and cared about was that Mommy was home!

Caleb knew.

 He knew something wasn't right.

He asked about Joshua's black lips.

He was excited.

Excited that Mommy was home.

Excited that Joshua was home.

Little did he know.

We spent time together just the 5 of us.

We cried.

Caleb wailed.

"I don't want my brother to be dead!!!"

We explained that Joshua was not here.

This was just his body.

And soon- we were going to have to say good bye to his body.

This was the end.

 Before it ever began.


Ausmerican Housewife said...

:'( Heartbreaking all over again...

My mom got the same pair of pjs for Evan (they say "beach baby" don't they?) to wear. He never got to.

Heartbreaking yet beautiful photographs. Such a lovely boy, little Joshua.

Lauren said...

We have been through the worst nightmare that anyone could even imagine. Lots of hugs.

Jill said...

How can I love, yet HATE, DESPISE, AND DETEST these pics at the same time.

Wish I'd had this kind of time with Georgia.

Haven't told you how much I love you today.

I love you....ALL of you. LOTS.

Deanna said...

I'm so sorry. :( What a hard day that must have been.

Jennehrm said...

I'm still so sorry, hugs and cries for you and your family. I wish everyday there was something, anything to make the pain a tiny bit better. Thank you for sharing the pictures.

The McCammons said...

every time I read a post about little Joshua I end up in teas. I am so so sorry for you loss. I could never comprehend what you are all goingthrough. I thank you so much for sharing your story,and you and your family are such a source of strength and inspiration to me to no matter what believe that God will always be there. Many hugs to you all!

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

I just want you all to know how much I appreciate your kind words....

I also want you to know that I am actually able to post stuff like this because I am actually doing ok....i can look at these pictures and not be completely over run with pain and sadness...

thank you all so much for your love for our family. i'm so thankful for all of you.

The Price Family! said...

Those pictures broke my heart. As much as I hurt for you, the one of your son holding him and the look on his face broke my heart in to millions of pictures. I am so sorry that any of you have had to face this.

Kirsten said...

I honestly cannot even imagine what you all are going through. It breaks my heart and makes me weepy. I wish there was something I could DO. But since I know I can't, I just want you to know that I think about and pray for you every day. Sending hugs and love.

Jana A said...

As heartbreaking as this is, what special memories and photographs you have. My heart is aching for Caleb... imagining him asking all the questions. Praying for you...

Beverley said...

Thank you....this caused my hubby and I to discuss what we will do when Leyda dies...she is 5yo and we have hospice here so hopefully she will be at home...I couldn't do the journey in the car.
Beverley, mom to Leyda

Tiffany said...

As awful and heartbreaking as it is, those photos are beautiful. I'm so sorry he never got to see the sun, see home when he was alive. But what beautiful yet sad memories you have in those photos.

Mandie Hamrick said...

Beautiful pictures! He was/IS a gorgeous baby.

Jennifer said...

Thank you Jill for sharing these photos and your precious family. We know that Joshua is in the beautiful sun light in heaven! God loves loves you so much Jill!
~Your new friend from AZ

Wyatt's Mommie said...

Thank you for sharing.. I am sure this was a very hard post, but it shows others the pain a family faces. Thank you so much for sharing.

Nikki said...

The pictures absolutely tore my heart out. Yet, I was grateful that you had the opportunity to take him home and to let his brother and sister spend time with him away from the hospital. Away from the nurses and doctors.

I'm really happy you have these pictures to remind you of Joshua and when Caleb and Hannah get older it will be good for them to see these.


mrs.g said...

Oh God, I am so so sorry. My heart absolutely dies for you and your family. I wish I could hug you. Please know I will be praying that you can find some sort of peace.

Jeremy, Censie & Jude said...

This post shows me just a sliver of what your life has been in the last couple of months. I dont knwo what I would do in this situation - but because it helped you heal and grieve I am so glad that you and your family were able to have this time with Joshua in your own home.
Prayers and love sent your way.

Erin said...

Well, here come the tears. It's heartbreaking yet wonderful that you were able to make that journey and have that time together. My DH just came over and asked who the baby was so I had to explain. He got teary too. Sending lots of love to all of you.

Peach said...

I really have no words besides the fact that I'm glad you have all of us to share with.

Hugs and prayers,
Peach and Drummer

Kaden's Mummy said...

My heart aches reading this but your strength continues to amaze me. Thank you for continuing to share Joshua with the world. xo Many prayers

Rainy said...

Im so sorry you had to do this but I am happy that you did. I have no idea what you are going through but I pray that you continue the road of healing. You and your family. I will never forget the day you asked everyone to pray. I wish the outcome had been different. For you and for Joshua. Thinking of you guys and hoping for peace to continue as you heal and take it one day at a time.

Beth Rivera said...

Jill, I still think about you, and Joshua, and your family every single day. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I am a mess over here--my husband just walked in and wanted to know what was wrong with me! But he knows this story well--I gave him the play by play and we both cried the day that we got the news about Joshua's death.

You are truly the strongest person I know. I also know that you didn't ask for this. But be PROUD because you are an amazing mom. I'm glad you will always have these pictures to cherish, and that you'll always remember that, even though it's not the way you wanted, Joshua had the chance to be home. And I know he was truly there, more than just his body.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being real. You are a blessing.

baby foot fluff said...

Jill, those pictures are both beautiful and shattering. I don't know how anyone could go through that and survive. Your strength astounds me again ((hugs))Tara

CHD Fighter said...

Thank you for sharing this extremely private moment with us and letting us look into your life as a family ... my heart breaks for the three innocent children that had to play a part in this ... Joshua is of course the main hero of the story but Caleb and Hannah and your entire family are hero's too ... I know if I had the chance to bring my Innocence home one time I would have ... I am so glad you are so honest ... and beautiful ... I cherish you as a human being and I'm so grateful that while I wish neither Joshua, or Innocence lost to this journey ... or that I have to walk it knowing the outcome of my life already and one day I'll be with them before "my" time but God's time is always on time ... that I know I'm not walking alone ... I'm walking with you, and several million others ... who cheer us on, support us, and love us through one of the hardest journey's anyone has ever gone through <3

Stephanie, Daughter of the Risen King said...

Oh Joshie.....

Brissa said...

picture 5 - broke. my. heart.

*Jelena* said...

Oh my God, I'm so sorry. How horribly cruel and unfair life can be.

The farewell you created for Joshua is absolutely beautiful.

missliany said...

This post just breaks my heart. I don't even know what to say. I just want to jump through the computer screen and give you a giant hug right now.

Chrystal said...

You are amazing. Just amazing.

Wayne and Sue Rasmussen said...

There is nothing else to say but "I'm so sorry!" I am continuing to pray for God's peace and comfort in your life. I am so glad you were honest with Caleb and Hannah for as much as they could understand. Hiding things from children only makes it worse in the long run. Praying for you sister.

Anonymous said...

I was so hurt as I read what happened, I came accross your blog by accident, and all I can do is pray. My prayers are with your family, and with your beautiful children, may God give you all the strength to carry on with the beautiful memories of little Joshua. I am a mom and cannot even comprehend how you handle this but you are such a strong woman, thank you for sharing how precious Joshua is. I see how only God can give you the strength that you need.


Ambizzle said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I can't even comprehend what you and your family went through. I'm so sorry. :(

selena bell said...

oh wow this has literally broken my heart, im so happy though he got to be in his home and you took him home so a stranger wouldnt have to. that was such a sweet and noble choice i cant express how much this whole blog means i dont even know you and i didnt even know of this disease but i have been on your blog for about 2 hours now. and this post killed me i cna barely see thru all the tears, but this is such a loving and wonderful family he has you are all amazing thank you for loving him sooo much for all of us.

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