Friday, December 17, 2010

We are thinking...

Before we knew anything about Joshua and his heart, Shane and I had talked about him being our last child. At the time, we felt like 3 was enough to make our family complete.

After we found out about his heart (which was not a genetic issue- it was simply a "fluke" in his development), we started having discussions that neither of us really wanted to have.

We came to the conclusion, before Joshua was born, that we were not going to do anything permanent in regards to birth control until after Joshua's 3rd surgery. We decided that IF something were going to happen to him, that we may still like another child to raise. We never in a million years, thought that we would actually have to have this discussion again- we truly thought he was going to live.

But the reality is that he is gone. The reality is that we feel like our arms are empty. The reality is that Joshua will always be our son, but in a different way than Caleb and Hannah are. The reality is that we are talking about another baby.

It's not fair that we are even having these discussions. Joshua was supposed to be our last. But according to our plans, he also wasn't supposed to have a broken heart. He was never supposed to be taken from us. We were supposed to raise him. Here. In our family.

But he's gone. And he won't be coming back to us in this lifetime.

I think we are going to start trying for another baby in the near future. Probably not this month, probably not next month. We need to take our time to make sure that I am healthy and that the PTSD is under control. We need to think about where we are moving to after the house sells. We need to decide if Shane is going to go back to school this summer or this fall. We need to decide if I am going to continue to stay home or if I am going to go back to work. We need to continue to pray about God's will for our lives.

We realize that another baby will NEVER fill the void of Joshua's absence. But we also realize how much healing and love another child would add to the dynamics of our family. 

It's all in God's timing and right now we are content in waiting
.

24 comments:

Amy said...

Jill, I was actually happy to read this post. Having a desire for another earthly child in no way implies that s/he would take Joshua's place. A LOT of people choose to have another child only after losing one (I confess, that was one of my biggest fears when I had my tubes tied during my c-section after Evan was born... what if something happens to this baby and we're left with just one?). Your family has so much love to offer and even though I don't know you personally (yet), I can see you with another child one day.
Much love & blessings to you, my friend. <3

Paula B said...

God's plan and timing is perfect in all things in our lives. Jill and Shane, we love you.

amandadahmes said...

I get the feeling that you are kind of on guard on this post. Waiting for someone to leave a negitive comment..
You know your heart and so does your sweet baby boy.
God had the plan of your life and the life of others even before you where born. Have faith in him and his great hands to build your future. Joshua would be a very proud BIG borther that watches over all of you. Ill be praying for you .. <3

StevenSauke said...

The year both my grandmas died, God gave me two new cousins. Though of course they did not fill the roles that my grandmas played in my life, they helped a lot to comfort in the grieving process. I know losing a child is much more difficult than losing a grandparent, and nobody will ever replace Joshua...but I'll pray that God grants you another child at the perfect time.

The Sears Family said...

If there has nothing else that I have really learned from out our families trials it's that everything is in God's hands. The timing is never our earthly timng, it's his heavenly timing. I have often thought about timing as we have waited for so much and continue to wait. I wonder what "timing" is for God. Is there time in heaven? What does it look like? All we know is that God knew us before we were born, he had plans for us. And for that I am grateful. There are plans for us. One day at a time, one moment at a time. This is how we try to live. I am so glad to have someone like you Jill sharing the struggles.
Love you honey and I am believing that God has nothing but great things planned for you and yours.

Hyacynth said...

You are so right - no one can ever take baby Joshua's place ... and it's not fair that he isn't your last. I hope God gives you another baby to love when your hearts are ready.

Kim said...

Jill...you and Shane have been truly amazing! Amazing people, amazing parents, amazing Followers, amazing. I pray that you will listen to God and not make any decisions yet. His timing will tell when it is right and when it is not. Forever, Joshua will be part of your lives, forever he will be living with you and forever God will bring you comfort. I am sincerely sorry for all the grief that has come your way. I know God has plans for ALL of your family...plans that will not harm you but will keep you safe as He has wrapped you all up and is holding on tight. You all are just truly Amazing! It is this amazement that everyone should see and I pray they do for it really is sincere. Mike & I think of you all often and our prayers continue. I am asking for more comfort as your ears are listening to what he has to say to you. We wish you a very Merry Christmas.
w/ friendship and Christ always,
The Overholsers

baby foot fluff said...

i think this is wonderful, you have so much love to give and you are great parents. lots of love tara

Carolina Carters said...

That makes me so happy to read! Praying for God's perfect timing and your complete understanding!

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

amandadahmes- you are right. I am kind of guarded in the post. I'm just waiting for the "you killed your baby- you shouldn't be procreating again" comments....

I'm also guarded because we are extremely nervous about haivng another baby. I think part of that nervousness is because it just isn't the right time yet.

:o)

The Porn Widow said...

I have no idea what is or isnt healthy for you guys emotionally or for you physically, but I'm still praying for you guys and I know that God will do as He sees fit and I'm praying for peace for you guys no matter what He decides.

The first pregnancy I ever had ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks. I told Amos I didn't want to try again for a long time. I told him we'd try the next year sometime but that I needed time to mourn the baby I never met. Less than a month later, before my next cycle and while useing contraceptive, I found out I was pregnant with baby Ruth. God tends to not adhere to my plans very well, but I'm so happy He didn't. Whenever God chooses to bless you with another one will be the right time. In the meantime, I pray for healing and peace for ya'll. God bless you and all three of those little babies you have!

Beth W. said...

Perhaps being willing to have another child is part of the healing process for you. Keep focused on Him. Remember His promises in His Word. Remember the link you put in one of your posts, cling to the Angel of the Lord and don't let go until He blesses you!!

Anonymous said...

Take the time to heal emotionally for yourself and your children. Also, decide professionally and financially what you are going to do. Even a healthy new baby wont fix lack of jobs, money and a place to live. And heaven forbid, something would be wrong with the baby or one of your other children, emotionally and financially it could be devastating. Pray for healing and strength. Perhaps adopting a child that God is looking for a loving home for would be better....

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

Anonymous- That is exactly why I said that I need to make sure that I'm healthy and have this PTSD under control.

That is also exactly why we need to decide if I'm going to go back to work or if I can stay home. Right now, we are finacially stable enough for me to stay home. God has provided for our every need, spriritually, emotionally, and financially. We are actually in a better place now financially to have a baby then we were when we had Caleb, Hannah, and finally Joshua.

We have always considered adoption, but don't you think that that would be more costly than having a child of our own?

Annie said...

Having a baby brings a LOT of changes in your body and mind. Make sure you are ready. That said, if you have the desire in your heart, and you are waiting longer out of guilt or worry than remember, God puts good desires in us to do. He hates false guilt and worry.
You will love him/her incredibly.
You are meant to be a mom, and what a better time that when you are staying home?
talk to your doctor, pastor, and husband. Pray and trust in Gods leading.

Anonymous said...

Jill,

I lost my first pregnancy at 14 weeks. I desperately wanted to get pregnant immediately. It only took a month & I was pregnant with a healthy baby girl. She didn't take the place of my first, nor did she take the pain away. But she did help me heal. She helped me to remember the miracle of life. She helped me believe in God's plan for my life again. I think it is wonderful that you are going to try for another precious baby. I will pray for your family as you begin this journey.

Rose, MN

Anonymous said...

You truly believe God provides...if it is His desire for a baby to be placed in a loving home and your heart is open, it will happen. So many children need a family like yours to raise them in His way.

Kelly said...

Hi Jill,

I am a fellow heart mom and have been following your blog since Joshua's birth. I prayed so much for Joshua and I still pray for you and your family. I cannot imagine...
Not at all the same as what you experienced, but I lost a baby and delivered him stillborn at 26 weeks, and although I had an older child, I felt completely empty. I knew right away that I wanted to have another baby and was pregnant again three months later (with my heart baby ToF/PA). So many people (including my OB at the time) told me that I should not have anymore children even though my stillborn son's problem and Jack's problems were totally unrelated flukes. However, I had such strong feelings of need, desire, want, etc. for another child. I think women just know. So I essentially said 'forget you' and became pregnant again when Jack was 11 months old and had one more completely healthy baby. After my third was born, I knew I was done - no question about it.
Without a doubt, you will make the right decision, whatever it is you and your family decides. I will continue to pray for you and for your family..
Kelly

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Oh bless you and your sweet hearts!!

Steph

CHD Fighter said...

Jill ... God will guide you ... and I'm so sorry you feel the need to guard your posts!! God Bless and I will continue praying for you and your family ...

Michelle said...

I have been following your blog for just a short time, but I think giving this to God is wonderful. Everything happens in his time. I can not even imagine the pain you have gone through and are going through because I have not been in your shoes.

My problem does not compare to yours, I am a mom of 3. My first 2 are from a previous marriage and my 3rd is from my husband now. When i found out I was pregnant we discussed having 1 more baby and although my husband raises my older 2 as his own, there is just something different about the child being biologically yours, if that makes sense. Anyway we decided we would have 1 more and in my heart my family wasn't complete until we had 4 children. Well due to medical complications I can not physically have another baby. My heart aches and I do not feel like our family is complete. People think I am crazy and I am so grateful for my 3 babies but there is a part of me that struggles every day. No one really understands it. But I understand where you are coming from.

It doesnt matter what people think, most of them do not personally know you. They don't know your financial situation or the heartache and desperation. I hope that God gives you peace. and No another baby does not fill the void of losing a child but they are such blessings.

btw, I looked into adoption and it is SOOOO expensive. Even to adopt in this country, it's crazy!

McEngland like the McCountry said...

I'm praying. You have so much love to give that it would be a shame for you not to have another baby in your arms. I still think of how beautiful a gesture it was that you donated all of that milk to other babies after sweet Joshua didn't need it anymore. You're such a good mama and good mamas need babies to love.

Wayne and Sue Rasmussen said...

So glad your hearts are open to the possibilities ...

Bobbi Janay said...

Unlike the rest of these commenter's, I think you will do what is right for your family when you feel that god is leading you to know the time is right.

 
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