Thursday, December 16, 2010

Dear Joshua,

Today is the 16th.

Today you would be 4 months old.

My biggest fear was you leaving the safety of my womb. Once you left, I could no longer protect you. I could no longer keep you safe.

It was time. You were ready. You came into this world. Beautiful and perfect. My son.

I remember the doctors plopping you onto my chest. I didn't really want to touch your brother or sister when they did that with them- they were sticky and covered in what your daddy calls "cheese." With you, I didn't care. I held on to you until the doctors almost had to forcefully take you out of my arms. I didn't know if I was going to get to hold you again.

They took you. Looked you over. You were perfect. You were beautiful. You were here. Just that in itself was a miracle. You weren't supposed to make it past 18 weeks. That awful hemorrhage threatened to take your life so early on. But there you were. A miracle in all it's glory.

You weren't screaming. You weren't upset. You just just looked around with those big wise old eyes. When your daddy brought you back in to me, I cried. Seeing you alive and in his arms was the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. He brought you over to me, and there were those wise old eyes, staring at me. Telling me you loved me, that you knew me. I would have given anything I had to be told that the doctors were wrong about your heart.

Your daddy laid you on my chest again, all snuggled and comfy in your blanket and hat. I said a quick and silent prayer of praise and desperation over you. I cried. I loved you more than life itself.

I wanted nothing more than to see your little life grow and blossom. I wanted to see you smile, roll over, crawl, and walk. I wanted to see your face as you tried new food for the first time, or watch you sleep in your crib. I wanted more time to know your little personality, your likes and dislikes. I wanted you. Plain and simple.

 I never wanted your first boo boo to be an open chest. I never wanted my first time REALLY holding to you to be 2 days after you were born. I never wanted you to have to spend the night away from me and your daddy. I never wanted your time with your sister and brother to be so limited. I never wanted to be able to say that we have no family pictures together- the 5 of us. I grieve that our family time was non existent.

Sweet Joshua. I miss you.

I love you.

Your daddy, brother, and sister love you and miss you.

Happy birthday, precious one.




Jo Anne said...

Sending lots of love and hugs to you today and always! Jo Anne

Amy said...

Thinking of you and your beautiful son today.

Stephanie said...

<3 you lots!

Margaret said...

You are in my prayers!!!

Anonymous said...

Prayers for you, Jill, and your family. Your in my thoughts often!

Shannon Egan

Mari (aka mootpoynt) said...

You are often in my thoughts and prayers. Jill, I have so many words that I stumble over awkwardly, so I hope you don't mind that I just keep saying, "I'm praying for you." Mostly my prayers are that you feel God's love in the loneliest moments of grief, the parts that only He knows. Much love,

P.S. What a beautiful, beautiful boy.

Lisette said...

He is simply beautiful.

LeAnn Braun said...

Your son is not forgotten.
I will remember him.

Christine the ArizonaIntactivist said...

Thank you for sharing Jill...

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