Saturday, December 18, 2010

Strength to Continue On

NIghts are the hardest for me.

Laying in the dark, there is no escape from my mind. And some nights, my mind gets the best of me.

Last night was bad. Any tiny little noise caused me to freeze in fear. Fear of what? I'm not sure. But the fear was there, and it was real. (and it makes me feel like I've lost my dang mind!)

It started off with hearing scratching downstairs. I made Shane go check the house. When he was down there for too long, I was convinced he had gotten attacked.

He finally came back up stairs and I froze because in my mind, he was attacked and incapacitated. So it wasn't him coming up the steps, it was the attacker.

He came into our room and got into bed and I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. But then there were more noises. The furnace kicking on, my cell phone beeping from a new message, the warm air blowing one of Caleb's paintings hanging on the wall. The fear paralized me. I started sweating, and I felt like my mouth had run dry.

But then it hit me. This is obnoxious. This is not me. Satan is taking hold and he has no room in my life. I started praying. I prayed Joshua 1:9 over and over.

"Have I not commanded you?
 Be strong and courageous.
 Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged,
 for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."


Then I started asking God to help my heart heal. I asked Him to help calm my anxiety and my fear. I asked Him to calm my mind and to help me rest.

Somewhere in there, God answered that prayer with that exact verse. 

Dear Daughter-
Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged.
 I am here. I am with you.
Rest.


There are some days that I cannot feel God's presence in my life. There are some days that I feel completely alone and forgotten. I know in my head that He is still there, but I feel alone, abandonded.

But there are other times when God's voice is almost audible. It's in those moments that I can rest. It's in those moments that the burden is lifted for even just a little while and I can breathe. It's those moments that He gives me clarity of mind to know that he is still near- even when I can't feel him. It's those moments that give me the strength to continue on.
 

13 comments:

BlessedMommy said...

Love this. :)

Christine the ArizonaIntactivist said...

The beginning of this post says one thing to me...PTSD...

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

Christine- I know....it's horrifying and i need to figure out a way to get it under control. i'm continuing to go to counseling and i have not completely said no to medication. I just want to see what I can do without the medication first. We'll see how it goes.

Christine the ArizonaIntactivist said...

Bless your heart... I don't know what to say to you wanting to get it under control. You are expecting SO much of yourself. It's barely been 2 months...

I am glad you haven't said no to medication as it has really helped me.

I am a Christian also and I rely heavily on scripture and prayer. I also believe in miracles and that God can literally heal us. That being said I am 25 years into my PTSD.

Be patient with yourself. Love yourself. Give yourself a break. Let yourself feel what you are feeling. You are in the middle of grieving for what I believe is the hardest grief in this life...a mother losing a child.

I will keep you in my prayers...

Christine

Peach said...

Wow! I am so sorry! I still think you should look into getting a Sozo.

Some info if you're interested.
http://www.bethelsozo.com/

Prayers and Love,
Peach and Drummer

Danielle said...

I think it must be hard to go through PTSD as a Christian. Christians often see symptoms of PTSD as evidence of a lack of faith. I hope you stay strong.

sidsmom2mickey said...

Jill,

I had to take zoloft for awhile after my son passed away. I would also recommend going to a grief support group. Does your church have one? That helped me so much...
I stopped taking the zoloft and took a natural remedy that helped me just as well as the zoloft did. I still have some around, just in case I'll need it again.

I'm praying for you and the family. <3


Peggy

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

Danielle- I don't think that PTSD or depression is a sign of weakness or a lack of faith at all. Sometimes our bodies and our minds just need some extra help adjusting to things.

I also don't see a problem with medication. These symptoms are somewhat new to me and I want to see how bad things are going to get before I start medicating. If they don't get much worse than this, I think I can manage it without medication. If it gets worse, I have no problem with medication if needed.

Peggy- what type of natural rememdy is it? where did you get it from? Can you tell me more? feel free to email me at jillhaskins1@yahoo.com if you would rather do that. :o)

Stephanie, Daughter of the Risen King said...

Opinion
Any medication that I take at the instruction of my Doctor IS God's will for my life. Otherwise I would not have found myself in that Doctor's office.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

Stephanie- Agreed! :o)

Bobbi Janay said...

I am so sorry, I know what it is like to have satan beating at the walls that should be your sanctuary. Mine isn't from a loss of a child but fro survivors guilt, I was in a car wreck at 17. I shouldn't be here, God has plan for me is the only reason I can believe I am still here. 6 weeks later my friend died in a wreck just like mine. Have you thought of joining a grief support group. I will say a prayer for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I just want you to know that you are going to get through this, I know the nights can be tough when having Ptsd but the Lord is always with you and he will never leave you nor forsake you! Thank you for being open and honest with everyone and may God bless you abundantly!

Mommy K said...

Wow, your night sounds a lot like nights of mine... I totally get the "my husband is attacked" scenerio and thinking of someone coming up the stairs... That was creepy reading. I have been having major fear/anxiety issues lately, too, but I don't think they are related to PTSD. But I watch horrible scenes of awful things happening to my kids and husband often lately. Don't you wish we had an "off" button on our brains??!

 
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