Friday, December 24, 2010

I miss him.

I miss Joshua. To say that I miss him is an understatement. There are no words to accurately describe how much I miss him.

I miss the sound of his name coming from my lips. I miss talking about him in present tense. I miss his eyes looking at me saying "I love you so much Mama."

I miss the days of when tears would flow freely because my heart ached and longed to bring him home. Now my days are full of tears that flow freely because of the ache in my heart because I will never bring him home.

I'm struggling today.

The house is full of excitement and anticipation for Christmas. Caleb and Hannah are excited to be around Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle Grant.

They love spending the night with their cousins.

I love seeing the joy in their faces as they see the gifts that are neatly wrapped and waiting for them.

But I also feel extreme sadness- extreme emptiness. A part of me is missing.

There are no gifts under the tree for a sweet boy who's existence was only for 51 days. There is no excitement and anticipation for a first Christmas.

The sadness is threatening to overtake me. I'm trying not to allow it to consume me. I'm trying to focus on Caleb and Hannah. My love for them is the strongest it ever has been, but it's because my love is compensating for the love that it is missing. The love of a sweet baby named Joshua who was here. He was mine. And now he's gone.


Mommy E said...

I don't know how much this will help, but I've heard of others doing this before.
Wrap up a a shoe box, so it can be opened but not unwrapped. tied with a cloth ribbon. put it under the tree each year, and write him a letter, every year, and put it in that box. that way there IS a present there for him. every year. no matter what.

Angela said...


Mandie Hamrick said...

Mommy E, I was thinking the exact same thing. My mother used to do that for her dad when she was younger, and I think still does. He's loved but never forgotten-especially on Christmas. Just because he's up in heaven doesn't mean you can't get him a present. It's hard, I can only imagine how hard it is, but know that we're praying for you.

Amy said...

I found myself thinking of you all day today, Jill. You, your family, and Joshua are on my heart.

Anonymous said...

I have been thinking of you today. We have never met but I read your blog and wanted to know how you were doing.

Lord Jesus,please come tonight and soothe the deep wound of my sister here. Please send your angels that they would surround her and minister to her to gtive comfort. Give her strength....and help her find some joy in this difficult time.

Keep breathing.... It's OK that you are having a rough time....

baby foot fluff said...

maybe every year you could make an ornament in joshua's honor. then he'll be celebrating with you. lots of extras hugs for you guys tonight and strength to get through tomorrow.

Beth W. said...

Tears and love for you my sister. wishing Joshua were here with you too. All I can adequately (or not so adequately) say is I sit with you and mourn your loss alongside you. Be blessed.

Beth Rivera said...

My heart absolutely aches for you. I'm so sorry that you have to endure this. It isn't fair, plain and simple. It isn't fair.

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers, as always. Merry Christmas, Jill. We'll be praying...

Amy said...

I think of Joshua each and every day and my heart aches for you. Hoping you can find some laughter and joy in the day. I know that you will never forget your precious son, and none of us will either. Sending you many blessing this holiday season.

Anonymous said...

Jill, know that I am thinking of you this night, and tomorrow. I am here with you, walking this same path.
Just one step at a time, sister,


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