Monday, November 15, 2010


My heart is torn.

I so badly miss my sweet baby. I want to be near him, feel him, and hold him. I want to kiss his sweet cheeks, and hear his growls. I just want him back.

But I also have a husband, 2 living children, and a life that needs to go on. I have friendships that are strengthening, and a passion for serving God that has never been stronger.

I long for the life that this world has to offer. Not the big house, the fancy cars, or even a lot of money. Those things, while they are nice, are not what is important to me.

I long to live. I long to praise God. I long to share His love with others. My greatest passion, the very thing my heart beats for, is to serve God.

I love life. I love my family, my friends, food, social networks (pathetic huh?!). I love laughing, crying, and joking. Yet, my heart desires more.

I am torn between two places. I am torn between Earth and Heaven. I want nothing more than to be here, to experience life to the fullest, to love deeply, to see all of God's creation. However, I long for the day that I will be in Heaven. Living in a perfect world, without pain and suffering.

Shortly after Joshua died, a friend from college asked if I wanted to join a Bible study about Heaven. I reluctantly said yes, not sure if I really wanted to go, but figured it couldn't hurt to try.

We have been reading through the book called Heaven by Randy Alcorn. (If you get the chance to read it, I highly recommend it!)

Before this study, I said I longed for Heaven, but after reading it. I LONG for Heaven. I never really understood the fulllness that Heaven has to offer- the Life, the love!

My heart aches at the thought of staying in this broken world.  My heart rejoices that Joshua is there, in Heaven, now.

I am torn between wanting to be with Joshua and wanting to be here with my family and to live life. I love life. I love the things that this world has to offer. But I'm am beyond excited to meet my maker, to live in His Glory, so see His plan in full.

 I can't wait for the day that Jesus calls me home. I can't wait to see my sweet baby again, to spend my eternity living my life for God. Until then, my heart will remain torn.


Nickie said...

I too long for Heaven; for different reasons I'm sure, though the same reasons in a way. I understand the longing, and being torn between the here and now and what is to come. One day, one sweet day, we will be there.

Much love and virtual hugs to you.

Danna and Kirk said...

Beautiful, simply beautiful.

Carla Sue said...


Ever since I can remember, I have held this fear of death. Not necessarily my death, but the death of others. Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to live to share the word of God. It is a paralyzing fear, a horrible weight on my chest, to think of someone passing without ever knowing Him. I have made it my personal goal to live life, so that people may have the opportunity to know God, that may have never had the chance. I know it sounds's like what we talked about when we walked to Walgreens...but it's something that He has pressed into my heart. I pray for you. I pray for your grief and your pain. I pray for you to figure out where God wants you and that you soon see what His plan is. I love you. *hugs*

Danielle said...

Absolutely beautiful words, Jill. I had the exact same thoughts today. So many things to look forward to here, now and in this life, but SO much to look forward to in Heaven. I too am torn.
Love and prayers to you, your family and sweet little Joshua.

RainbowW said...

i hope you find what you need. it's an interesting contrast to read, given your recent history, and compare to my own life. i hate myself, i hate my life, and i don't see any reason why it would get any better in the next 30 than it's been in the last 30. and all of my kids are still alive. hats off to ya.

Dora said...

Jill, you are an amazing writer. I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. I hope writing like this helps some.

Anonymous said...

"This Birth That We Call Death"...while I didn't agree with the religion of the person who wrote it, the sentiments and thoughts were/are true. We come here on this mortal plane only to exist one day exalted into Eternity...our death here means our birth there. I too have lots of conversations and experiences to share when I finally have my birthday. Until then, I try and live this life with the love, service, hope and will to "get my invitation" when it arrives one day.

Keep reading. Keep writing. You will be amazed at the peace it brings. One day, one breath, one word at a time.

Douglas' Mom

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