Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Dear Joshua,

You would have been 3 months old today.

I don't know what to say other than I miss you.

I wonder what life would have been like. Would we still be in the hospital? Would we be looking at your second surgery in the upcoming weeks? How would we be surviving?

Sweet boy, none of that really mattered to me, as long as you were here. But you aren't. And I'm still trying to figure out how to live without you.

Your brother and sister keep me busy most days. They make me laugh, cry, and pull my hair out. I'm sure you would have added some crazy stress to that mix, but I would have loved it just the same.

Sweet Joshua, I feel so lost without you. Like part of my heart is missing from my body. I struggle to find who I am, what my role is, and what my future will look like.

So many questions rattle around in my brain. Are we going to have another baby? We could never NEVER replace you. Am I going to look for work? I don't want to go back to work, but your daddy wants to go back to school. What do we do with your things? How do I keep the smell of you on your clothes and blankets? How do I not forget every detail of your face, your sounds, and your life?

Life is calming down, Joshua. We are finding a new normal, but I always feel like part of me is missing. I'm torn between this life, and wanting so badly to be where you are- in Heaven.

Joshua, I want you to know how much I love you. How much your daddy, brother and sister LOVE you. We miss you more than anything.

Happy Birthday sweet boy.



Love,

Mama

8 comments:

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

We lost our 20 year old son to suicide exactly 7 months and one day ago. I still can't believe he's gone or that I'm standing. Life will never be the same again.

I too struggle to figure out how to live without my son.

Suicide has simply destroyed our family.
Hallie

CHD Fighter said...

Praying for you! I love the picture of you and Joshua, I love your new blog changes too! Jill your strength always amazes me! I feel blessed to be a part of your world, your grief and it helps me deal with losing my daughter to CHD!!

Stephanie, Daughter of the Risen King said...

I wish I had a heaven Bible study. There is always a new milestone, a first something. They are not going to stop. Approaching too soon are his 14th week and then that day will come when he has been gone longer than he was with us. I don't want to see that day come. I don't want to say from this day forward we will have lost him longer than we had him. I think that day has been on my mind since Oct 6th.
Hard. It makes that lump that makes you hold your breath and pushes up tears. Hard.

Chrissy said...

SO beautiful, Jill. Praying and loving you guys from a little bit south (Fishers, that is).

Leah said...

Such beauty. Oh Jill, God put you on my heart tonight and I have sat here in tears reading over your entries. How could I not have known? I wish I could have sent a word of comfort sooner. God is sooo strong in you. And that little Joshua...I see him dancing!
With unceasing prayers,
Leah

Beckytwogirls said...

What a great picture! And what a beautiful boy. Have you thought about getting a necklace with his name inscribed? Something physical to touch when you need to? My heart aches with you - don't feel alone!

Anonymous said...

http://www.missfoundation.org and then go to forums. It is a great site for moms that have lost a child, to talk with other moms about what they are going through. I have found great comfort from the ladies there.

MISSing your little boy and my sweet Isabella.

Pati @ A Crafty Escape said...

What a beautiful picture... I know he is reading your letter from Heaven and blowing you kisses.

 
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