Monday, November 8, 2010


Only one child with me at my postpartum checkup instead of three. (Caleb was in preschool.)

First car ride in an ambulance instead of of our van.

The first time out in the sun cooing and taking it all in- instead the sun could not even begin to warm his cold skin.

Bringing our lifeless child into our home to explain to our children that he was gone instead of welcoming him home with hugs and kisses and laughter.

Leaving Joshua with a funeral director instead of his grandma and grandpa or a babysitter.

Laying in a box for others to see him for the first and last time instead of playing in a box pretending it's a spaceship.

My milk going to other babies to save their lives instead of going to my baby to help him grow big and strong.

Attending church for the first time in 7 weeks with tears of sorrow instead of tears of joy.

People stay away from me because they don't know what to say or how to act instead of staying away because I have a medically fragile child.

A Bible study about Heaven to learn about my child's present instead of his future.

Crying because of the raw and immense pain of saying goodbye instead of crying because of being completely overwhelmed with 3 small children at home.

Packing away his things because he is gone instead of him outgrowing them.

Figuring out how to move on from here and glorify God instead of letting this pain identify and consume me.

Choosing to say yes to God instead of fighting Him.


Beckytwogirls said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. I go home and hug my kids a little tighter. Your little guy has changed lives like you said. You have helped change lives with your story. I hope I never have to understand what you're going through, but if I do, I will revel in the times I squeezed those babies a little tighter. And that's because of you.

The Sears Family said...

So beautifully written.
Raw Emotion fills me all over again.
I hurts that I can only pray for peace to come to you instead of coming to give you some.
Wish I was closer.
You are doing so well Mama. Really you are!

I wish it wasn't this way.

Love you lots,
Dana Sears

Ella said...

As I was reading your post today- this song came to me.. <3

"He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

***When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy oer your head
Know that tomorrow brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said****

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fearGladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When what youve done keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fearGladness for mourning
Peace for despair

I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound Ive been set free
Ive been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fearGladness for mourning
Peace for despair"

baby foot fluff said...

packing away his things because he his gone instead of him outgrowing them...this hits so close to home for me. and sorrow for you hits me again. and again i renew my prayers for God to help you bear this. jill, i wish i could hug you in person but i send them to you anyway.

adrienne said...

Tears pour down my face Jill as I sit here pregnant hoping my baby's heart is still beating at my next doctors appt. I also sit here holding my new one year old as he sleeps and cherish his breathing. I look at my three year old baby girl as she sleeps and think of my 10 year old daughter who is at school and love them so much more.

I wish the best for you. I wish I could take even an ounce of your pain and sorrow from you. Trust me I would do it in a heartbeat.

Arika Bowles said...

I can't even imagine but I can and do pray for you.

Anonymous said...

Finding how many people love and support you instead of wondering if you are in this alone.

You are not alone. Some of us feel it, know it and live it. Others we pray never do. But, whatever the circumstance, we are in the moments with you.

Douglas' Mom

Stephanie said...

Much love for you and your family!!!

Tiffany said...

I wish that I could snap my fingers, give you a hug and make it all better. Just know that I think about you and your family on a daily basis. I cannot even imagine the pain that you are feeling right now, but I'll be praying that the pain will begin to ease somewhat in the coming weeks.

messylifeoflisa said...

My heart hurts for you...

Allyson said...

I know all of these things so intimately. It's getting hard to read your blog simply because it brings back SO much that I thought I had dealt with. It has been over a year now, so why, with just a few words, (albeit, the right words. YOUR words) does it all come flooding back and reduce me to a sobbing, hysterical puddle? I don't want to be hysterical. But I also don't want to push it to the side because that's what I SHOULD do. Or that's what people have come to expect of me because it has been a year. I will keep reading because it's cathartic, even though you aren't doing it for me. And I may not always comment, but that is most likely because I think it's bad to cry directly on my keyboard. This computer has to last me awhile. Thank you for posting and keeping it real. I hope Shepherd is showing Joshua all of the fun things there are to do for little boys in Heaven. And I look forward to seeing them both someday.

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