Sunday, November 7, 2010

Dear Joshua,

It has been a month since you took your last breath.

Soon you will have been in Heaven longer than you were here on Earth.

Sweet baby, I hope you know how much your mommy, daddy, brother, and sister love you.

We are all grieving very differently.

Caleb loves to look at your pictures and talk to you through your pictures. He likes to go through your things, and oohh and aahh over your tiny little clothes.

Hannah loves to think of you in the clouds flying around with the angels.

Daddy just took off your hospital bracelets yesterday. And he cried. He silently mourns for you when the house is quiet and all is calm.

Mommy spends a lot of time thinking about you, and still cries about you daily. Talking about you is good for her soul. But, she is healing. The nightmares are becoming less, and she can see your beautiful, healthy, face again in her mind.

Sweet baby, we know that you are complete and whole again. We know that you will never suffer again. We know that you have been freed from sin, pain, and hurt. But, sweet one, we miss you more than anything.

Joshua, I have never felt an emptiness in my heart before, like I do now. I have never felt pain so deep and raw. I miss you more than anything. I would give anything for even just one more hour with you- even if that meant I had to say good bye to you all over again. I would give anything to smell you, hear you growl through your pacifier, and to see those wise little eyes looking up at me again.

Joshua, your brother caught me crying yesterday. You know what he said to me? He said, "Don't cry Mama. We will see Joshua again. He's up in Heaven with Jesus." And while I long for the day that I will see you again, sweet baby, I promise to use your life to touch others lives.

 You have already touched so many lives. People have recommitted their lives to Christ because of you, they have chosen to be baptized because of you, they have honored and remembered you. But the biggest change you made on this earth is within myself. I love deeper, trust fully, give more freely, and feel The Spirit stirring in my heart to do more- all because of you.

Joshua you were and still are loved beyond words. Thank you for touching my life. I miss you with every breath that I take.

I love you sweet one.




Paula B said...

Sweet Jesus has Joshua right beside him! What a great vision and picture in my mind. Even though he is missed, we will see him again .

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Hey, stumbled upon your blog and had to comment as we know the pain you are going through as we lost our son at birth 4 years ago... life is unfair at times, and I still shed tears for the memories that should have been but can never be, but the four of us left gained a guardian angel...

Be strong hunny, you never forget the one who is missing from the family photograph, but you feel their presence every day, and it does get easier with time (such a hopeless saying, but truth in it...)

With much love S xx
(apologies for remaining anonymous...)

Carolina Carters said...

My heart aches for you Jill, and you're still in my prayers daily...I know your faith is deeper, and listen to it rubbing of on your little ones. Joshua is teaching even someone as young as Caleb about Jesus. That is incredible. :)

Hugs and prayers!

Deidre said...

I am grieving with you Jill. My heart is unbelievably broken for all of these beautiful babies that touched our lives albeit all too briefly and for those of us that are left behind seeking normalcy (like there is such a thing anymore!!!) in the aftermath. I want to share a poem with you that came with a necklace that a friend gave to me after Ayden's death...

Tiny Footprints on a Mother's Heart

When a baby arrives,
be it for a day, a month, a year or more,
or perhaps only
a sweet flickering moment
the fragile spark of a tender soul,
the secret swell of a new pregnancy
the goldfish flutter known to only you
you are unmistakenly changed...
The tiny footprints left
behind on your heart
bespeak your name as Mother.

Love and hugs to you, Jill!!!

Carla Sue said...

*hugs* You know, I don't understand. I don't know what you're going through. But I will always be here for you.

Kari said...


kirsten michelle said...

love love love


Melissa said...

I saw a video on you tube that mentioned your son and all of the hateful people in this world, it made me cry! I will be praying for you and your family...

Jamie said...

I'm in tears thinking about what you must be feeling. I never used to cry like this, but having a medically fragile child myself, I can't seem to stop them any more. You have been in my thoughts and I pray that you will find peace umongst your time of sorrow.

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