Monday, November 8, 2010

Dear God,

I want to tell You a few things. I want You to know that I don't understand why You took my baby. I don't understand why his days were numbered at 51. I don't know why You didn't reach down and heal him- You were fully capable of doing so. I don't know why You chose to take my baby home, and leave others here.

But I want You to know something. I don't blame You. I'm not angry with You. I don't understand You, but I trust You.

I worry that I'm losing my mind. Some days are so hard for me. Yet, my heart is ready to explode with love for You. Why? Some days the pain is almost suffocating, yet I want nothing more than to serve You and bring You glory. How and why does that happen? What are You preparing me for? Where are You calling me? I'm ready.

I don't understand half of my feelings lately. I don't understand why I'm not angry with you. I'm not sure why I completely trust You. But I do. And that is enough for me.

God, Your Word tells us to rely on You for our daily bread. My daily bread is Your truth and Your love. You are enough for me. You.

God, thank You for giving Joshua to me, even for just a short time. Thank You for bringing about change in me and the many others who were touched by his short little life. Thank You for the comfort and peace You have given me. Thank You for remaining constant and unchanging.

God, I don't understand You, but I love You just the same. Shane and I feel You working. We feel You leading. We are ready to answer Your call. We are waiting on You.

I love you, God. In Jesus' name.



Bonnie said...


This is beautifully said! You have me in tears! I pray for you and Shane daily! My life is better because of Joshua and his story! God bless you! I know God has great things in store for you!



Robin said...

Beautiful. There is no doubt in my mind your faithfulness has brought others to Him. I know you have helped bring me closer.

Jessica said...

Wow that was beautiful. I admire you that through your pain you can still praise God!

Shawn Becker said...

Amen, and may that total faith in the Father, wrap his healing love, and comfort, around you during this very trying time.


Readily A Parent said...

From our perspective, my husband and I have always been believers but we've not always been the strongest of believers. (We're Anglican - Episcopal in the US - enough said?)
Our youngest son has been facing some severe medical issues. Nothing he will die from (we hope - there is a slight chance, but we try not to think about that too much) but something that will affect his life for his entire lifetime. We've received more bad news about his prognosis this past week and as we discussed I started to feel myself growing very angry with God about all of this. And I thought I could embrace that anger, because at least anger isn't lack of faith, right? But then I remembered your family. And I reminded my husband of your family. And we both knew that anger was not what God deserved. And not what we deserve to feel.
And on Sunday we went to church and cried during some of the hymns and rejoiced during others and felt God's peace - which, as we say in our church, passeth all understanding - wash over us.
So, yes, God is working through you. And your family. I can personally attest to it.
My faith may not always be strong enough, but standing together with other believers I know that I will always be held up.

Tara Collyer Photography said...

Once again, you amaze me! Thank you for being so honest and sharing your story/Joshua's story for the whole world to read about. I'm sure that you will never fully know the impact that your words and Joshua's life and story will have on people for God's Kingdom.

Anonymous said...

I understand your feelings. Sadly, many think that God "takes" their loved ones. However, I'd like to share some hope with you. As you probably know, Death was the payment for disobedience. (Genesis 2:16, 17;
Ge 3:19; Jas 1:14, 15; Ro 5:12; 6:23.) And the rest of us have inherited that sin and thus the death penalty. Thus it goes to reason that Satan, having initiated sin, causes death.

God has lovingly made a provision for us, however. By suffering death, Jesus ‘tasted death for every man’ and provided “a corresponding ransom for all.” (Heb 2:9; 1Ti 2:6) so that one day, we can all be free from death. By means of Jesus’ “one act of justification,” a cancellation of the condemnation of death that sin brings now became possible, so that men of all sorts might enjoy “a declaring of them righteous for life.” (Ro 5:15, 16, 18, 19; Heb 9:27, 28)

At Isaiah 25:8 the prophetic promise is made that God “will actually swallow up death forever, and the Sovereign Lord will certainly wipe the tears from all faces.”

Jesus Christ said: “The hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his [Jesus’] voice and come out.” (John 5:28, 29) Yes, Jesus Christ promised that all those in Jehovah’s memory will be resurrected. Billions of people have lived and died.

Your precious little baby will again live one day. He will be resurrected to a world with no sin, no death, no pain.

Revelation 21:3-5: With that I heard a loud voice from the throne say: “Look! The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them, and they will be his peoples. And God himself will be with them. And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” And the One seated on the throne said: “Look! I am making all things new.”

Beth W. said...

I don't know if you've been to Bowen's website lately but Matt has been posting a little spot called "digging deeper." A couple days ago he posted about God and his glory. If you haven't read it, think about going to their website and finding it. Still thinking and praying for you all.

Sara said...

I just saw you interview on Mompetition and its incredibly sad. I cant even being to imagine what you have gone though with losing your son, and than for people to bash you for a choice you made.

i really just want to reach out and hug you, i know i dont know you and until today have never even heard of you, but i feel for you and your family.

I am so sorry for you lose

Jim Gawne said...

Dear Jill - thank you. The one year old son of a young couple (still in their late teens) in our church died today. No one knows why. For the last four hours I have been trying to talk to God about this, and your words have given me peace. Amen and Amen.

Amy said...

I know you follow Bowen's Heart, and I just received the email from their post today. The song that is posted made me think of you right away- though Joshua is not here in your arms anymore, he is in Jesus' arms. The song sums up what every parent thinks- I couldn't love you more, but someone does.
Thank you for continuing to blog. I usually cry each time I read your updates, but for me its an awesome time of prayer as well. Thank you for being true to yourself and to God.

Tracy said...

Last year my son was born with transposition of the great arteries that was left undetected during my pregnancy. During our three weeks in the hospital I remember telling God some of the same things that you wrote in your post. One day in a very gentle way He reminded me that He knows what it's like to watch His Son suffer. Jill, remember that your Heavenly Father has watched His Son die too. You serve a God who understands the pain you are walking through. Praying for you!

kirsten michelle said...


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