Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Thank you

I want to thank you all so much for all the kind words of encouragement, prayers, and love. I have seen the true goodness of most people.

I'm thankful for friends like Carla who were willing to get information to you about Joshua's death. I am thankful for the 895 emails, 31 facebook messages, and literally hundreds of wall comments, tweets, and postings. Your support is what is going to carry our family through these next few dark days.

If you text me, call, or email, please don't be offended if I don't get back to you. We need to get through these next few days.

Please let me make a few things clear.

1.) God is still good. My love for Him runs deeper and wider than anything I can even begin to explain. I trust in His plan for our lives, and that Joshua's short life was exacty as He planned. It doesn't take the pain away, and I'm grieving and asking why, but I'm also trusting that God will carry us through this. Joshua was told every day how very much he was loved by not only me, but by hundreds (if not thousands) of others, but more importantly that God loves him more than anyone can possibly imagine.

2.) The team of neonatologists and cardiologists made it extremely clear that Joshua's cardiac arrest was NOT in any way related to the circumcision. His heart simply could not work any more. He put up a good fight, but he just simply couldn't do it.

3.) I am going to step away from blogging and facebook for a few days. I need to figure out how to move forward from here, and I need to decide if I want to continue to put our lives out for pubilc speculation. I truly appreciate the kind words and encouragement, but I also realize that there are a few unfortunate people who find it appropriate to judge and say hurtful things. May I be as bold to say that if you can't find the decency to be kind to a grieving mother who's infant baby died in her arms, then I question your decency as a human being.

4.) I will post the details of the viewing and funeral as soon as they are finalized tomorrow morning. As of right now, I know the viewing will be Friday evening and the Funeral will be Saturday morning. Shane and I would love for anyone who is able, to join us in celebrating Joshua's life.

137 comments:

Nell said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can barely see through my own tears right now...
Be strong.

Michelle said...

Thank you for sharing your personal story here on this blog. Please know that God is there for your son and your whole family.

Jodi Berndt said...

So sorry for your loss! Praying for your continued strength and please know there are many people supporting your whole family and praying for you.

Jodi Berndt
Wausau, WI

Jen said...

Jill,
I just found out about sweet Joshua. I am so, so sorry. I am just heartbroken for you and cannot imagine your pain. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. May God bring you peace and comfort...

Jen

The Sears Family said...

Our family has been praying for your Family for many weeks now. I have no words to describe how I feel for your Family. I believe that God had a plan of Healing, he always does. It is in his way & in his time. I cannot begin to imagine what you have been through in the last several weeks as a family. I believe that God gives us Seasons, and that when it is time the Seasons change. I am believing for healing for your family. Joshua is healed in the name of Jesus. I hope that you do continue Blogging, because your Faith is a testament of God's power & strength. You are a woman, a mother, a daughter in Christ. The Devil will try to intervene. I am speaking in the name of Jesus, Devil be gone. Our family will continue to pray for peace and healing for your family. I have a place in my heart for your Family as do so many others.
I tell myself these quotes everyday. The scripture brings me peace and Nemo brings a smile.

~I can do all things through him who strengthens me.~
Philippians 4:13

~Just keep swimming...just keep swimming~
Finding Nemo

God Bless you and your Family. Joshua has touched so many.

The Sears Fam

The Brogdon's said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. As a mother I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Our family will make a special prayer for your family tonight, and your precious baby who now has his wings.

I am so sorry about the hurtful things others have said. The devil is at work, do not let him win! Shame on you!

You are an inspiration and so is baby joshua, and his story will continue to touch people. I hope you will have turn on comment moderation, as another had suggested, and continue sharing your story!

God bless!

Anonymous said...

I am Laura Ulsh's sister. I have been engaged in your blog just b4 you gave birth to Joshua. I have prayed for you & your family more than I can recall. I am heartbroken...for you & your family. I can hardly type through the tears. You are an amazing mother. No one could have done as well as you have...your circumstances were extreme and you are amazing. Please do not/ever think you did anything wrong...God is in control. Recall the story of the blind man & Peter asking Jesus what the blind man or his parents did to deserve to be blind? Jesus stated he was blind so the Glory of God could be seen. I saw/still seeing the Glory of God through...YOU! :) You are the most amazing mother in the world! God loves you....& your family. Thank you! :) I love you & all you've shared w/me! :) God loves Joshua...that is why He selected you to be his mommy! :)

Ams said...

Jill there is no need to apologize for taking this time as your family... your family has touched so many - your strength, your courage and your honesty brings much comfort to ALL that have read your story.

Praying for strength for your entire family this week and the many weeks to come.

*Hugs*

Jayme said...

I just want you to know that you're in my thoughts. Losing a child is never easy, and I wish you love and faith as you work through this time of your life.

Anonymous said...

Jill and family-
I am so glad I had the chance to meet you and to care for adorable Joshua. I will never forget his beautiful bright innocent eyes and how he loved his mobile. Joshua touched my heart as you did. I am so sorry for your loss, may God give you and your family strength during this rough time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

nurse Kristi

E said...

Praying for you and your family during this very difficult time. Peace be with you. Joshua was well loved and a gift to SO many!

Anonymous said...

God bless you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through the coming days and weeks.

Rainy

The mom of 4 monkeys! said...

May God be with you every step of the way... As I believe he has always been and will always be.
Give my babies a high five Joshy! Play with them and all enjoy the wonderfulnes of heaven while you wait for your love ones to join you many, many years from now...

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. May God comfort you in these days.

Anonymous said...

My wife has followed your blog since just before Joshua came into this world. All I can say is that you and your husband are an absolute inspiration. I cannot fathom the pain, grief and anxiety that you are going through right now. My heart goes out to you and your family. Please don't let the uncompassionate people in this world try to degrade you in any way. All that we can do as parents is what we think is best and ask for the help of trusted officials. Joshua is a blessing from God. He graced you with his presence and has hopefully given you wonderful memories!!! So please, please keep your faith!!! Saying a prayer for you and your family!!!! Aaron Garner, Rainy Garner's husband

Erin said...

My heart is broken for you. I hope that Joshua's short life continues to touch the world as it has touched my life.

My angel will be there to give him a big hug on his way to God. Stay strong, and know how much love your little one and your family have across the world.

TheSuburbanMom said...

May God comfort and shower your family with love during this loss. I cannot even imagine the unbearable loss of a child.

AnaRoo said...

I don't follow your blog. In fact, I have never heard of you until today. Your sad story is all over FB. I just want to let you know that not all intactivists are mean. I am anti-circ, but I do not judge you and in fact my heart cries for you. I just want you to know that not all of us are mean. I will pray for your family during this tragic time. Peace.

Anonymous said...

Jill,
Please know how very sorry I am for your loss. Thank you for being so open and allowing the world to come into your life and see the true lives of a family with a CHD child. Joshua was only on this earth a few short 6 or 7 weeks, but what he did for CHD awareness is phenominal. I know that Joshua is being rocked in Jesus' arms and is looking down and thanking his mommy and daddy for the unconditional love that they showed him. He knew he was loved...you never left his side. What a fighter he was! My heart is broken and just aches for you! Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Love you girl! Gale Bagwell, Grandma to Ivan Taylor HLHS (South Carolina)

Blue Moon Girl said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I'm so very, very sorry.

Katie said...

My heart is broken for you. I am also so sad that you are having to address anything other than the comments of support that you have received. It's sickening. You, your family, and your sweet baby boy will be in my prayers tonight.

Kristine said...

Jill I've witnessed what a wonderful mother you are since you were pregnant with Joshua. He's simply amazing, as are you. I love you both much. <3

workout mommy said...

i am so sorry for your loss! my heart aches for you and your family right now. :(

Maya said...

Your family is in our prayers. Joshua was loved by soooo many people and in the dark hours please don't forget that there are thousands who are praying for you.

steve, bess & dizzy said...

My heart and prayers are with you. Joshua's precious life most certainly demonstrated God's glory. Thank you so much for your willingness to share that!

MommyMonkey said...

There are no words to take away your pain. I am so very sorry and will continue to keep you, Joshua and your entire family in my tearful but loving prayers.
Debbie

La La said...

I tried to leave you a comment earlier, but - of course - it wouldn't post for whatever reason.

I just wanted to let you know that one more person is out here thinking ofyou, of your family, of Joshua.

I know there are no words that can be said that can take away this pain, or even lessen it right now. But maybe knowing that someone else in some other part of the world is thinking of you and praying for you will help in some small way.

I am a CHD mommy too, BTW.

Big, big ((hugs))

Che said...

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is my worst nightmare, and I'm glad you're protecting yourselves from people who don't have the compassion to understand that. I've never heard of your family until today, but when I read about the terrible things people are saying... well, we have to overwhelm the hate with love.

Heather's In The Land Of Crazy said...

I am so very sorry for your loss and will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you.

adjunctmom said...

I am so sorry for your loss. May your son rest in God's peace until you are reunited.

Kathryn @ Expectant Hearts said...

Jill, when Seth died, clinging to God's love, even when I couldn't FEEL it but because i KNEW it was there, carried us through.. I know He will do the same for you.

I am praying that you will feel His loving arms holding you and your family tight. Big hugs!

Brandy said...

I am very sorry for your loss. Hugs go out to your family during this time! I hope you can find strength during this time. ((HUGS))

Shan said...

I hadn't read your blog until today, although I would have, had I known of it before. You are eloquent and honest in your feelings, pain, grief, doubt and joy. I pray that you remain that way and that the Lord grants you and your family peace in these dark hours.

Anonymous said...

You and your family are in my thoughts. My heart breaks for you and I have no words to comfort you. I trust that you hold on to each other and find love, light and healing in your faith and in each other. Joshua will always be loved and remembered. Peace and love to you.

Inwoodmomof2

Shaun said...

Many prayers for you and your family in this difficult time. May God's love surround you and guide you.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy. May you feel the collective love coming out for you and your family at this time.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I pray for you and your entire family. God Bless.

Kylee said...

Praying for you and your family. May God surround you with his love. Lean on him.

Scattered Mom said...

There may be the few who have been hurtful, but there are hundreds of Moms who would wrap you in their arms and weep with you.

I'm so sorry you lost your little boy. I can't even imagine.

Candice said...

I also never read your blog until today, but my heart is now breaking for you and I wish I had been reading before. Many, many thoughts of comfort being sent your way from my husband and me.

I also want you to know that there are people who can disagree but still support you and send you love in this terrible time of loss. I hope your heart and life soars above all the negativity and that you find love and peace.

Mommy K said...

Jill, my heart is broken. There are no words. May God wrap His arms around your family in these next few days and weeks. Joshua was loved by many and I'm so happy I was able to meet him. Thank you for sharing him with all of us. -Ashley

Anonymous said...

I am saddened by the thought that anyone would write something harsh or cruel to a grieving mother...I am so so sorry for your loss Jill. So deeply sorry. I will keep you and your family in my prayers...thank you for sharing your sweet little Joshua.

Lyndsey said...

I can't find adequate words to tell you what I feel. Sadness, grief, sympathy..none of them are quite right, none of them are enough. As a mother who spent minutes, hours, days, and weeks in a NICU terrified but hopeful for the survival of my own son, I send you love and I hope for peace for you and your family. Please trust that this was in no way your "fault." Nothing you did while pregnant, during birth, or after caused this. My heart is broken for you and yours. My thoughts are with you. Take one day at a time, one breath at a time, and you will get through this. Peace and love.

Rachael @ Empowering Mommy said...

Jill, I am a new reader but I wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you. As a mom with two little ones, I am grieving with you as you are going through a mother's worst nightmare. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Your whole family is. Thank you for your testimony and shining example of faith even through the hard times.

God bless you and give you the special Grace that only He can give to get you through this time.

AnnD said...

Also an "Intactivist" stepping up to say that I am so very sorry for your loss. There is no judgment from me. We are not all full of hate and venom.

I will be praying for you, your husband and family.

Jenn @ South of Sheridan said...

I found your blog from a friend-of-a-friend situation. I cannot believe anyone would be so disrespectful, and even though I can't take away the nasty things that were said, I am so sorry. For your loss, for having to deal with the negativity, for being in this situation at all. Know that you and your family are in the hearts and prayers of so many, including mine.

*hugs*

Heather said...

I'm absolutely heartbroken for you and your family. Lots of love and prayers. {{{HUG}}}

Giggleangel2003 said...

Your family is in my prayers!!! I am so sorry for you loss and cant begin to imagine what you are going through! Keep your head up and your eyes on god and he will get you through. we may never know why god has put this in your path but reamber go never gives us more then we can handle and he will carry us

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.

CARRIE said...

Read about your dear sweet boy from Dr. Momma (via Facebook). So, so very deeply sorry for your family's loss.

Jenny said...

Sorry for your loss. And ignore the idiots. Honestly they're not worth your time. I hope you feel better soon and Goddess be with you!

Sarah said...

Hi Jill,
I have never read your blog before today and I am deeply sorry for your loss. Today I found myself lost among the blogs filled with heartache and hope that seem to symbolize parents of children with broken hearts. I have cried all day over the loss of Sawyer, Ewan, and now Jacob.

Every soul in this world comes here with a very specific mission. When that mission is complete, that soul can leave. the holiest of souls need so little time here in this world that some never even make it outside the womb, others only need their heart to beat once, others not even that.

Please don't feel guilty about the circumcision, procedures like that are done every day and there is no telling if waiting to have it done would have changed the ultimate outcome. We all make the best choices we can at any given time. No one can doubt the love you have for your children.
Blessings,
Sarah

Michael Bowman-King said...

King Family is sending you tons of hugs and lots of love!!

SMHoitsma said...

Dear Jill, Shane, and family,

I am sooo very sorry for your loss. You all have been in my prayers ever since Joshua was born and will always be. I'm sending you a lot of love!!!

Sandi Hoitsma

Amanda said...

Jill,

Beautifully said. I'm so sad that I had to learn about Joshua under such circumstances. My prayers and heart are with you ~ don't pay any mind to the shallow people in this world. You are a strong and beautiful mama and your angel is smiling in God's arms <3

Allison said...

My heart aches for you and your family tonight. I'm against circumcision 1000%, but tonight I'm just another women and mother who can't imagine the unfathomable pain you must be feeling.

So from mother to mother, I pray for your peace and gentle healing.

I was disgusted by some of the comments left by others. Giving an opinion is one thing (it's another to give it when you haven't been asked or have specifically been asked not to). Stating facts another. Purposefully and willfully leaving distasteful, hateful, mean and disrespectful comments to another Mother who has lost the love of her life is malicious and you should feel ashamed.
This is not the time or place to express those opinions.

Beware of that whole Karma thing...it's a bitch!

(also, for what it's worth, I agree with the PP who said your doctor's need to own up to some of this. regardless of what your choices were on circ, they had a duty to protect him and inform you of the better options (whether that was to wait or opt out). Your decisions were your decisions and they should have done a better job of informing you!)

Dinei said...

Hi Jill,

I don't know if you remember me, but I had an SCH baby born at 25 weeks back in April. I have thought about you and your family often since then and always wished for the best for you and Joshua.

I am so sorry for the passage that you all have to make now, and so amazed and inspired by the love, faith, and courage you have shown. Joshua was blessed to have had such an amazing mother. Never doubt that you did all you could for him. His life was far too short, but he was loved intensely in every single moment.

All of my thoughts are with you and yours,

Dinei

Courtney said...

Jill,

I am a first time reader of your blog. I am also a mother to three sons all of whom has gone on to heaven. I am also the victim of hateful bullying while grieving. I am beyond sorry that you have to go through all of this. Please know that I am holding you and your entire family in my thoughts and close to my heart as you endure this painful journey.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

Hi. I am so sorry for your loss. May God comfort your family now and always. He is in control even when things seem crazy.

I can't believe people are using your sweet baby as a chance to stand on their soapbox. I hope that the outpouring of love and prayers for your family is the memory of the blogosphere that you remember most from this time.

Mama B said...

I am so sorry for your loss mama. Words cannot express it. I want to give you a huge hug.

Don't apologize for the lack of compassion and sensistivty that was shown. It isn't your fault. I fought for you and Joshua on twitter and facebook, and will continue to do so if need be. Take the time to be with your family.

Thinking of you <3
*hugs*

jlfmama said...

Jill, I just learned of Joshua today, from Kristine Bright and Cora. I'm so sorry that I had to get to know him after he left you. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for what you have had to put up with (and are continuing to put up with). I wish you peace and healing, and my thoughts are with you and your family.

Dawn Bent said...

Jill, my heart goes out to you. I have been thinking about you and your family day and I pray that you have the strength (you're feisty so you will) to get through this grief. I appreciate, wholeheartedly, you sharing your story with us readers and being so incredibly kind with updates.
People have to understand that you aren't obligated to do that. I hope they do. The judgements, the negative comments, really make me want to scream. I hope that you are filtering those types of comments out..because Jill, I don't even know you but I do know that you need time to heal. People should be nothing but supportive or say nothing at all. I am so sorry for your loss and I totally understand if you choose to make your blog private or whatever you need to do to deal with this tough time..
much love and hugs to you and your family,
Dawn

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Sending love and light.

Jo said...

Condolences to you and your family. I hope that you are all able to find peace in the coming weeks and months.

Sending love and light from Brooklyn, NY.

Sherri said...

Hi Jill,
I'm another first time reader and I'm so very sorry for your loss. I too am a CHD mama and I can only imagine the pain you're in right now. You and your family are very much in my thoughts.
With much love

Maria Melee said...

Peace, mama. Peace.

Redneck Mommy said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know first hand the horrors of losing a child and I wouldn't wish it on any one. May Joshua be at peace and please know my families thoughts and prayers are being sent your way.

Christie, Jeff and Kennedy said...

I hope you find peace in that you are loved by so, so many.

I will continue to pray for your family.

I know that those who prosecute you, will get their just reward someday. And until then, I will continue to stand in your corner.

HappyRachael said...

I grieve with you. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

Emily@Little Forever Family said...

I too read about your sweet Joshua on facebook and from another blog, and seriously would like to punch some pretty horrid people for saying such horrible things. I am the proud mom of two angels. Our first lived 5 weeks, non-heart related birth defect, and our second, our son Ryker, lived 7 weeks. He too was CHD warrior, battling HLHS also and passing away for reason we will never understand in this life. You are in my prayers, and I wish that I could take away ANY of the mean things/pain/hurt and for you not to have to feel any of that. Our niece also has HLHS and was so much more sick than our son, as she is almost 27 months. You just never know. Please know there are so many who do not even know you praying for your family.
Heart hugs,
Another Angel Mom

Taderdoodles (Lisa B) said...

I am praying for you and your family. I am continually shocked by how people treat one another.

Agnieszka said...

I have been following your blog since before Joshua was born and my heart breaks for your entire family. So many have been praying for you and will continue to pray that you find solace in these next difficult days, weeks and months. The world is a better place for having Joshua in it and through you and your family and everyone he touched, part of him will remain on earth.
Hugs from a heart mama,

Dou-la-la said...

My heart is aching for you. I wish you as much peace and compassionate support as the universe can possible offer.

(I too want to make sure you know not all those who are anti-circ are hateful, judgmental, sanctimonious zealots.)

Julia Roberts said...

So very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy.

SUEB0B said...

God bless you and your family. You will all be together soon - it will seem like the blink of an eye when you are reunited. I am sure of that.

Dee said...

Take care of you and your family first.

Delete the hate that comes in from your blog about this. No one should ever say something mean to someone who has just lost so much.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you are feeling.

Again, take care.
Dee

Redawna said...

Some children are chosen to watch over us from a place of eternal play..... I am so very sorry for your loss. I know you feel lost right now, you will feel better one day. Not the same, but better. Sending you prayers. Be there for each other. And do it in your own time.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you in your loss.

sarah said...

I am so sorry for your loss

MommaMindy said...

A line I remember from a book on losing a child, "No life, not matter how short, is without purpose." May the purpose of Joshua's life, too short in your heart, bless your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. You have an eternal worshiper, who is at the feet of Jesus, singing praises to His Holy Name. May your heart find peace as the pain subsides so that your songs of praise on earth may accompany the heavenly songs of Joshua. May having a sibling in Heaven give your other beautiful children one more reason to trust Jesus as their Savior so they can be with Joshua and Jesus for all eternity. Praying for you and your hurting family.

H and M B said...

So sorry for your lost and that people in this world are not above bullying to get their point across. I also believe your love and strength in the Lord, Jesus Christ will help you through this tough time and the love of your family. Your son, your precious Joshua is safe in the loving arms of the Lord. He was a gift and a blessing, but God needed him home so he could care for him. Please take care and don't be bothered by those activist bullying you and trying to bring you down. It is only negative influences, tune them out, you loved Joshua and that is all that matters.

Tiffany Dockery said...

Many prayers for you. Live each moment slowly and know you have friends and love around you.

Tiffany

Mommying On The Fly said...

My deepest condolences to you and your family.. We will keep you all in our prayers.. We will pray for healing, strength, and support. May your faith guide you.. Much love...

Jules said...

I just wanted to stop by and offer my prayers! I am SO sorry your family is going through all of this!!

Melody said...

I'm so sorry.

You are in my prayers and heart.

kirsten michelle said...

Looks like we'll be celebrating our boys' lives at about the same time. Much love to you Jill. Take the time you need and make the choices you need to make to protect you and your family.

So much love.

Ana B said...

I don't know you and this is the first time I am reading your blog. May Jesus hold you in His arms and comfort you through this very difficult time, I cannot even imagine the grief you must feel. Be strong and let Him walk this path in front of you...

I am against circumcision but through my tears I can say that by no means does anyone have the right to judge your decision as a mother - especially at a time like this. As your sister in Christ, I pray for God to give you strength!

Michelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michelle said...

I have no words other than "I am so sorry". At a time like this.. no one can really think of anything else to say. My heart aches for you.

Please remember that not all of us who are anti-circ are cruel, unsympathetic or lack understanding of why people make the choices they do. My one and only son was circ'd. I don't beat myself (or anyone else) up for the choice. Like you said.. their angry words change nothing.

Don't feel guilt.. ever. Grieve the loss of your child. Feel the pain that you have a right to feel. Love him always.

Left of Lost said...

Saw the tweets of others about your loss. I am so very sorry for the loss of your gorgeous son. I hope that you and your family find peace through all of this. I am so so sorry.

Jill said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Lifting you up in prayer from TN. May you feel the comfort that can only be given by our Father in Heaven.

Lisa Hoover said...

Please add me to the list of people who are grieving with you. As a mother of three -- no, as human being -- I am heartbroken for you. I can't imagine I can say anything supportive to you that hasn't already been said, nor say anything in the world that can take away your pain. All I can do is offer my deepest and most sincere condolences on the loss of your precious son.

I am disgusted and appalled at those who claim to represent the parents who've chosen not to circumcise their children. I happen to be one of those parents, but I assure you that I respect the choices each family makes because only we know what's right for our children. If you need someone "in the fold," so to speak, to side with you and speak out against the vile filth these people are spewing, you need only ask. They do not represent me and, I surely hope, they don't represent the vast community of parents in this world.

At the end of the day, we have one thing in common. We are parents to the children that have been gifted to us. We will never all make the same coinciding decision, nor should we, but we were all put here to do the same thing -- raise wonderful offspring. How we get there is our business, and we each have our own equally correct method. I'm happy to champion a cause against anyone who thinks otherwise.

I will keep you in my thoughts as you find your way through this unfathomable loss.

~ Lisa

Nicole @ When did I become my Mom said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately in this time you also have to find the strength to understand that some give in too easily to not checking assumptions and to being judgmental.

That's weakness on their part not yours. My heart goes out to your family.

Carole said...

Jill, I am crying for you and your family tonight. I am praying for you too that the Lord gives you whatever it is you need to get through this horrifying time. *hugs*

Maria @BOREDmommy said...

My deepest sympathies to you and your family. I am so so sorry for your loss of your beautiful baby.

noreinsgirl said...

I am grieving with you and yours. My prayers are yours. Learned of your loss on Twitter and immediately began praying for you. May you find strength in the prayers of those whom stand alongside you online and offline. Blessings, love, and thoughts.

Shazza (@noreinsgirl on Twitter)

helenh said...

Oh, I am so sorry to hear about baby Joshua. May God wrap His loving arms around you, and I am sending you the biggest cyber hug imaginable.

omahadoulamom said...

First and foremost I wanted to stop and say I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby. I can only imagine the pain you much be going through. I am sending prayers for peace and comfort your way.

I stumbled upon your story on Twitter this evening and I have to say that I am ashamed by many of the things that have been posted and directed towards you. As a mother of 2 little girls I never had to make the choice on whether or not to circumcise. I personally would choose to not have the procedure done but it is a personal choice! It makes me so angry to see so many people be so disrespectful and completely inappropriate towards you and your family. Hatred is never the answer or the way to change things. I wish more people could understand that!

I will continue to pray for you and your family and hope that you can take comfort in the knowledge that Joshua is not suffering and is at peace in the presence of Jesus.

Charlotte said...

Jill, found your story through a linked blog and am almost without words ... you're living through a mother's worst nightmare, and you're doing so with grace and unflinching trust in the Lord. Maybe there's another mom out there right now with a CHD baby, reading this and taking your example of grit and strength to heart.

Sending you lots and lots of love and sparkly light ...

monstergirlee said...

So sorry to hear of your loss, so very sorry.
My heart aches for you all, and I will be saying prayers for Joshua, you, and your family.

Anonymous said...

Jill, I am so very sorry for your loss. Joshua was so incredibly blessed to have such an awesome mother! My love and prayers tonight.

Mummahh said...

I have just stumbled on your blog thru twitter..
My thoughts and prayers are with you..
Im sorry for your loss
Be strong
Ali
xo

onein36million said...

I too just found your blog through twitter. Saying, "I'm sorry for your loss," just doesn't seem like enough but it's all that I have.

Find solace and support wherever and however you can.

Be kind, and gentle, to yourself.

Cyrene said...

It was only today through Twitter that I found your blog. Prayers of comfort and peace are being sent out to you and your family from all over the globe. May these carry you through this impossibly difficult time and give you strength. Your son is in very good hands now, and where he is, there is no suffering or pain.

I pray also that you'll be surrounded by people who love, understand and will not pass judgement.

Mark Lyndon said...

Terrible news. I'm so sorry for you all. Stay strong.

Deidre Johnson said...

I too am very thankful for friends like Carla whom are angels in disguise!!! Still lots of love and prayers coming your way from VA!!!

Kris said...

HUGS

I am very sorry for your loss. I know we can not always understand the plans of God but He knows why.

Just continue to lean on Him and He will lead you through this tough time.

Blessings and Peace

Pamela said...

I would consider myself an intactivist.
I would also, however, consider myself a compassionate human being.
The comments you have recieved at this time sicken me.
This is what I posted on a Facebook thread to head off the hate:


"This story is so very tragic.
Reading baby Joshua's mother's words, my heart went out to her.
Nobody should have to lose a child, and losing him in the manner she did, she must be so full of guilt and regret.
She has strong faith, and I truly hope it may be a comfort to her and her family.
As for the hospital staff, they need to be held accountable for their unfathomable decisions.

I think the people who wish to condemn her, and hold her son up as a martyr should think very carefully about what they write. Words have power, and I think often we say things online we would never say to someone's face.

So my only words to that heartbroken mama, if she were to ever stumble across this thread are: I am so deeply, deeply sorry for your loss."




My heartfelt wishes for hope and healing are with you mama. Stay strong.
I hope mother nature gives to you the most beautiful day on saturday to send your precious son to his eternal rest.

Kathleen said...

Hello- one more mom here who just heard your story today (through facebook). I am so sorry for your family's loss. I pray that God will continue to bring comfort to you, your family and friends during this heartbreak and through the future. It sounds like Joshua was a very special little guy, and that those around him were blessed to know him. I pray that his short but beautiful little life will continue to impact even those who never knew him.

God bless all of you!

Anonymous said...

Jill -

I had to step back from the computer yesterday after I read all the hateful and disgusting things directed at you and your family. I now know that the comment feature was turned off by your friend, but I hope that you know I defended you. I am appalled that anyone would leave a mother who is grieving such vile words.

Saying "I'm sorry" for your loss seems so simple. But, there are no other words I have to offer. I have never been in your shoes, by having to go thru the loss of a precious child, but I have walked the CHD path and know that pain. Please know that I grieve with you.

Shannon Egan

Anonymous said...

i am also reading this for the first time i am so sorry for ur lost and hope u will find comfort in the rest of ur family and i pray u have a lovely day on saturday.

i'm sorry

pam

ArizonaIntactivist said...

I cannot imagine your loss. I am very sorry for your loss of Joshua.

I am also sorry for those that reached out in anger.

Intactivists just want to protect these new little ones...that's all.

I hope the Lord will bring you peace and healing.

Anonymous said...

Jill, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am just heartbroken for you. I simply cannot fathom the deep sadness and pain you must be feeling. I am praying for you and your family and hope that God will bring you love, light and peace to get you through this difficult time. xoxox, Anna first time reader, chicago, IL

the grumbles said...

my deepest sympathies to you and your family. i am so very sorry.

Cathrin Kushman said...

I had never read your blog untill yesterday, I saw it on one of my BLM's (Baby lost momma's)wall on Facebook. When I read your blog my heart broke for you. I know you feel guilty, and I know there is nothing I can say to take away the guilt; as nothing any one has ever said could take away the guilt that I have over my daughter's stillbirth, and my previous miscarrage. Just know that it is not your fault, in any way. You'r little boy got to see his mommy and his daddy, He knew nothing but love and people looking after him doing every thing they could for him. Your little boy is beautiful and he will always be in our hearts. I hope that your faith helps you threw this, and just know that I am here for you as are many other loss mothers.

Cathrin, Mommy to Serenity, Feodora, and Adoptive baby Devon. All in heaven in the Lord's arms.

Elena Margo Gould said...

Peace be with you at this very sad time. For me the intactivist movement is about healing and love, and I wish you both in abundance.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog on twitter... I went back through your posts and read little Joshies story from the beginning. Ignore the hate. Hateful people just want everyone else to be as miserable as they are. You couldn't have loved your baby any more, I can see your love shining through the words you wrote.

I'm so sorry. We'll never meet, and I'll never know your pain, but I'm thinking of you and your family today. I'm sorry.

Perfectly Imperfect said...

You were the first person I thought of and prayed for when I woke up this morning. I hope you and your family are given the time and peace you need to deal with and process the loss of your precious son.. Please know that so many are praying for you and loving you.

Beth said...

I'm incredibly sorry about your loss and hope that and your family can find peace. You will definitely be in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I wish you love and healing, and hope knowing that while you will not be able to hold Joshua in your arms again, he will forever be held in HIS arms.

Jennifer - first time reader.

Nadine said...

I am so very sorry not only for your loss but the utter uggliness of people who have the nerve to try and make a grieving mother feel even worse! Shame on them. You did the best you could and that's all you can do. He's your baby and you had to make the best decisions for him that you thought were the right decisions at the time. No one should scold you for that. I am deeply sorry to hear such people are out there!!! I pray GOD's peace and comfort and strength will carry you through this difficult time. GOD bless you!

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for your loss! I have been following your blog for a little over two weeks now. I found you from Team Ewan's blog. And we have been praying daily, faithfully for you and sweet Joshua!
My heart aches for you. We will be offering up prayers of love, healing, and piece for you, your husband, and your precious children. I hurt for them so much.
My 3rd born died in my arms seconds after being born. It was a freak thing, no one saw it coming. God gave him back to me (he has a minor CP now), but for about 33 days we were unsure if I could keep him here on earth with me. I understand your pain.
I am an "Intactivist" myself, and I do not think in any way that this is your fault! Those that have wrongly judged you, or said anything to cause you pain should feel ashamed of themselves!!
You are a wonderful mother who truly loves her children!!!
Love and Prayers!
~Sarah

Kimberly @ Fertility Flower said...

I admit that I am one of the many who are only now learning of you through this ridiculous controversy that erupted. Your treatment has been nothing short of inhumane. First, please accept my deepest, deepest apologies. Second, this controversy is pure evil at work. Shore up your strength. Know that you have the support of legions out there in internet land and from all sides.

God bless you, Jill

Jamie said...

Jill,
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you and your husband are going through. Please know that I am praying for all of you. I'm encouraged to know that you already have a strong relationship with the father who comforts us. While reading about your tragedy, there are a couple of scriptures that stand out in my mind. Psalm 46:1-God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble. Jeremiah 31:13-I will turn their mourning into gladness. I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. I pray that the peace that passes all understanding will flow through your home.

Jamie

Anonymous said...

Jill, if there was any doubt that Satan walks amongst us today, it has been erased by the hateful, unimaginable and absolutely appalling behavior of a few people. It just astounds me that anyone would attack a family that is mouring the loss of their infant child. This child died as a result of a CHD. Nothing more, nothing less. My heart is heavy that I am a part of a society that believes this behavior is acceptable. My deepest apology that anyone has spoken anything but loving and gentle words to you in your time of grief.

My heart weeps for you, from one CHD mother to another.

Shannon Egan

Leah Smith said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you don't know me but I am currently a student at HU. I was also born with hypo-plastic left heart syndrome. I was one of the first to be diagnosed before autopsy. I was also sent down to Riley where I was taken care of and received a heart transplant. My heart hurts for you and your family. Your story has reminded me of how precious life is and how blessed I am. I am sorry if this wasn't tactful, i just thought you know how much your story has had an effect on me. I have been praying for you guys since I first heard about Joshua, and that won't change now that he is with our Lord. If you need want to talk at all I am here. I hope that Joshuas memory is respected and nothing happens at his funeral.

Stephani said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. As the mother of a stillborn baby, I understand your sorrow. You're not alone in this.

I can't imagine going through the loss of my daughter AND having nasty comments about me and my beliefs left by others.

Cyn said...

"The team of neonatologists and cardiologists made it extremely clear that Joshua's cardiac arrest was NOT in any way related to the circumcision."

They are in CYA mode. Denial abounds.

Tragic. So tragic.

Anonymous said...

Cyn - please do not turn this into another debate. You do not know this for a fact. It is your opinion. Jill did what she thought best for HER child. Not yours, not mine. HERS. Allow this woman to process her grief the way she sees fit. This is about Joshua and his amazing life here on earth for the last 7 weeks. It is not about "CYA" and denial. JOSHUA. Joshua, and the love that his parents feel for him is the reason for this blog.

Shannon Egan

Anonymous said...

I think the horrible people who contacted you are forgetting that these posts are for your little boy. They need to remember that you are the one who has to deal with you decision, and they don't. I support circumcision, I don't know why but it's just somethkng we've learned to do over time. I think you as a parent know what's best for your child, and they were not in your shoes. I'm only 15 years old, but I know the difference between right and wrong. They had no right to hurt you when you are mourning. My nephew died of sids when he was 18 monthes old. I think about him everyday when I look at his twin brother and wonder what he'd look like today. Its been about a year now. I sometimes wonder if I could have saved him. Then, suddenly, I remember god needed him because he was too precious for this life. I had no control over what happened. Neither did anyone else. I hope you and your family embrase his life. Know you will do whats best for your other children to let them know how wonderful your little boy was, and you did what was best for your child. I will keep you in my thoughts, and hope your life will be filled with much happiness furthermore.

Anonymous said...

Hello, I ran across your blog through Twitter and thought I would send you a little note: Being a mother who lost her only child, that it took 7 years to have, can relate to your pain. I know words can not explain the pain you are in now, but God will help you and He does understand the pain you feel. Know that all things work together for the GOOD of those who love the Lord. Time will bring about healing ~ you are forever in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

While I do not agree with you circumcising your boy at all for all reasons out there, I feel sorry for him. But please do not see intactivists as terrible people , we're not like Westboro Baptist church. No one is going to protest your son's funeral, we're not attacking you (those are in fact pro-circumcision individuals ) . DO NOT plead to Ellen, or anyone else. There is nothing they can do. The only thing you can do is stop it all, remember your son . Forget about the circumcision and all things to do with it. Move on from that, please, you're making intactivists look terrible and you're not helping yourself through grief at all.

Anonymous said...

"you're making intactivists look terrible"

Jill is not doing that. THEY are. Jill is showing herself to have nothing but grace under the extreme pressure of the loss of her precious child. Jill did not attack them. THEY attacked not only her and her family, but her child who had just passed. How thoughtless. How cruel. How wrong.

Shannon Egan

mama2alexandholden said...

Many prayers for you and yours...so very sorry for your loss. I know those words seem inept, they are, there are no words. from one mom to another, I wish you peace and blessings

Julianne said...

I am horrified to hear of these turn of events for your family. There are no words for that kind of behavior. Know that there are those of us in central Ohio who are interceding with Jesus on your behalf. We are thinking of you right now, on the day you lay your baby to rest.

Julie

Rebekah Zenn said...

I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I read some "news" stories about what happened, and it really made me angry, even before I knew the "real" story, that people would say such nasty things. The nerve that some people have to bash you and your family for ANY reason, and much more so when you are going through such a horrible time... it kills me. You are a much better person than I to give in to God's grace rather than hatred. I am praying for you, and shedding a few tears as well.

Mary's Momma said...

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy. Sadly, as we grieve, we get the chance to see the true colors of heartless people. Over the past two plus years, I have learned to take it with a grain of salt. People feel the need to villify in order to tell themselves that it could never happen to them. ((Hugs)) to you and your husband.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss. Your family will be in my prayers.

I would also like to say that I am a 20 year old guy who is 1000% against circumcision. What if he did make it through, and grew up wishing that hadn't been done to him? His body, should have been his choice.

HOWEVER, I don't believe for a second that it is what killed him. He had a serious medical condition, and wasn't doing well to begin with. So don't be too hard on yourself. People all over this country are mislead into thinking that cutting a baby's genitals is ok. Its not like your decision, uninformed as it was, was any different from a lot of other parents.

 
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