Thursday, October 7, 2010

Unbearable pain

Last night I didn't sleep. The pain is too much.

I loved so deeply and lost so fully.

I feel like my heart went right along with his. Why couldn't it be mind and NOT his?

I can't look at pictures, I can't look at his things. I can't even say his name. It hurts too much.

I have never felt a pain as unbearable as this. Literally UNBEARABLE.

We have to talk to the funeral director today. How am I going to get through this?

I know that God's love runs deep. I know that He will give me strength. I know that He grieves right along with my broken heart. I know this is all part of his plan for our lives. But I can't FEEL it. I can't feel much of anything except for this unbearable, unspeakable pain.

Please God, give me strength. I have none left. Give me the words to comfort my children who "don't want their baby brother to be dead." How are we going to survive this?

119 comments:

renee said...

Right now, my heart cries with you. I have no words of comfort that would serve to protect you from all of the horror these emotions will put you through. I just wanted to write to you to let you know that your being heard and prayers are being said for your family right this moment.

Jennifer said...

I so wish I had some magic words to take all the pain your family is feeling away, to reverse all the sadness.My heart aches for you all. So many people are praying for your family. Because of your blog so many stranger feel like they know you, and feel love for your sweet angel too. I grieve your loss also. I'm so sorry.

Rebecca Jo said...

I just read what happened on another blog... I am SOOO sorry... I'm sending you prayers & hugs from afar... hold tight to God - its the only way to make it through this time

Amy said...

I'm just crying for you right now Jill. Tears are a pouring. My sister passed away three years ago at the age of 28 and my mom had to do the funeral planning thing too. Your words are so hers, it's like a flashback to 2007 as I read this. And like Caleb & Hannah (although I was obviously much older and able to comprehend more), I did not want my "baby" sister to be dead. When my sweet sister died, I stopped praying. Literally. I had no idea what to pray for. And I didn't stop believing in God... I wasn't even mad at him. But I just couldn't pray. I had no strength. That's when I know the Holy Spirit prayed on my behalf. Eventually I realized in hindsight, that even though I couldn't feel God during that time, He was there. Carrying me instead of making me walk along. He sent angels. Beautiful, wonderful angels to comfort us in the form of friends and provisions. He will do the same for you too.
You were on my mind all night, I even dreamed about you. My heart hasn't broken this hard in my entire life, for someone I've never met.

Anonymous said...

Still here and praying for comfort. Crystal in IL

ArizonaIntactivist said...

I am so sorry...

Once A Mother said...

I lost my daughter in 2008 to congenital leukemia. She was four weeks old. I first learned of your blog through BBC a few months back, must have seen it in your siggy on a post or something. On a whim I came back to check in on you, and am heartbroken at the pain you are going through right now. Our situations are so different, but that pain of losing an infant to a congenital issue is in a lot of ways, the same. I am so sorry that this terrible grief has been compounded by some of the things people have been saying to you. Losing my daughter plummeted me into depths of pain that I never knew were possible, and that was while surrounded by full love and support - I can only imagine the extra grief you are feeling. I fully understand when you talk of unbearable pain, and, too, felt crushed at having to plan a funeral for my baby. Those first days were a haze of not believing I would never draw a full breath again, and the first nine months were like groundhogs day, the same feelings of loss played over and over. At about a year I started learning to breathe again, and two years later, I am still working on this. I tell you this not to discourage you, just to let you know that losing a child is a long process, and a painful one, and you have to be kind to yourself through it. On this journey there will be moments when you may question how you will get through and I am here to tell you that as impossible as it will feel at times (and especially now) - YOU WILL SURVIVE. My heart is broken that you have had to join this terrible club of heartache. Sending prayers for peace in your heart, even if only for a moment at a time.

ArizonaIntactivist said...

I have spent the night reading your blog. I started with your blog entries a few days before Joshua's birth through to this one.

What a STRONG woman you are!

I am amazed at your strength!

MellyMel said...

I am so sorry! You and your family will continue to be in my thoughts. You are such a strong woman and God is with you always!

RHONDA said...

Sending love and many prayers, I am so sorry, there are no words. My heart is broken.
Praying for you and your beautiful family, today and every day.
Rhonda

Hope's Blog said...

Sending love and hugs and many prayers your way. I can't imagine the heartbreak you and your family are going through right now. My heart breaks for you and I wish there were words to take away your pain. Your faith is amazing and encouraging.

Heather - SCH board said...

I am thinking about you and your family. I have a heart full of love to give you and yours.

Carrie Flynn said...

By God's grace you will make it. But you don't have to hold yourself together. Just leave that to Him and others who want to support you through this. <3<3<3

January said...

I am a mama who does not circumcise and don't believe in it. BUT, I feel compassion and love for you. I barely slept last night b/c of reading about Joshua on FB. Please know that it is not everyone feeling this way. I am heartsick at how you've been treated and there are intactivists that are sticking up for you, praying for you and sending you nothing but love. Please take care of yourself during this very difficult time. I pray that God will give you strength and comfort. (((hugs)))

Daddy Files said...

I don't know you and I've never read your blog before today.

I don't believe in God and I don't pray, but I am a parent. And because you've endured a loss I can't even fathom, I'm thinking about you and your family and holding you close to my heart.

Wishing you all the solace possible at a time like this.

amandadahmes said...

My Heart goes out to you as well as many prayers. I wish I could say everything right. But right now God is the only one who has the right words. Fall on him he is there and he is holding your sweet handsome baby boy. Thinking of you and your family <3

Wendy said...

Praying for you. I know God feels your pain and did not want this for you. "When under trial, let no one say, "I am being tried by God." For with evil things God cannot be tried nor does he himself try anyone." James 1:13. Wishing for you to find some peace and rest today, if only for a short time.

afamilyforever said...

This video was very helpful to me in my path of healing, I am praying that you find peace and know that God will NEVER EVER let you fall...you may come close, but if you hold on to him, yol will NEVER FALL, do whatever works for you and don't be afraid to tell people when you need your space or help. Many blessings and prayers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeLDr7e5rzA&feature=related

Anonymous said...

Though I am an intactivist I can't imagine the pain you are going through and I hope for you healing for you and your family.

Michelle said...

Jill, I don't know how we get thru this kind of tragedy. I don't know how we live without our beautiful babies. I wish I was closer, so I could make you a dinner, hug you - something. Know that I am praying for you Jill. All of the angel moms, heart moms and the entire CHD community has you wrapped in our loving prayer.

Ginny (MAD21) said...

We are praying for you, too.

Strength for today, hope for tomorrow.

Stefenie said...

Saying many prayers for you today Jill. Lots of love for your family is being poured out by those who truly care.
Keep finding grace.....

Melissa said...

Praying for you and your family.

HeatherScent said...

I am so, so, so very sorry for your loss. There are really no words I can say, nothing I can do. I will pray that your Maker gives you the strength you need.

Megan Kayanne said...

my thoughts are with you. No one should have to experience this pain. I cannot even fathom the amount of pain you are in. I don't even know how to console, because it seems so unfair. I hope you find some hope with in all this mess. You are in my thoughts and be strong.

Pamela said...

My mother lost my father, and my twin brother in the space of 4 months. She almost lost me at the same time.

You will find a way through this.
At first you might do it for your children and your husband, and in memory of your beautiful boy, but you will do it.

26 years later, and I know some days the pain is still raw and terrible for my mother, but she works to help people, she tries to make the best of any situation, and she goes out into the world every day with love in her heart.

As a surviving twin, I know your children will have many questions, and mixed emotions, and perhaps even guilt. The answer is love, no matter the question.


I wish all the best for you Jill.

Sincerely,

Pamela Smith,
Australia.

Kate said...

How I wish I could carry a portion of your pain.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Teresa said...

I don't know you at all. I never even heard of you before yesterday. I wish it was all a dream for you ~ just a terrible terrible dream. I am so sorry that you have to endure so much pain. My heart goes out to you and I know that you will discover who your friends truly are. It is such a shame that there are people in this world that will use other's pain for their own purpose in such a disheartening way. All that really truly matters is a mother is missing their little precious baby and is in so much pain. I pray for peace and comfort for you and that others will just lift you up with goodness and kindness.

Chris, Diana, Elena, and Sadie said...

Oh, Jill, comments posted on a blog just aren't enough to express the pain I feel for you right now. I wish I could wrap my arms around you. To everything there is a season, Jill. This is your season to mourn. You do that in whatever way you need to.

We grieve for you and your family. Joshua is complete and perfect, and is experiencing wonders in heaven that we can't even begin to fathom. But even the knowledge that Joshua has received a glorified body does little to comfort those who are left behind to mourn. Your love for Joshua is so deep and fierce. You reached through the pages of the internet and grabbed so many other hearts with your profound love for Joshua, and God.

You are beating on God's chest from within the circle of His arms.

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you. I just cannot understand how anyone can be cruel to a grieving mother. I never knew people could be so cruel..I have no idea how you feel, only a mother that has lost a child can possibly understand. I just wanted to say I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through..

Roxanne said...

When you are ready there are support groups or counseling that you and your family can attend. Local hospitals or churches should have information. Ask the Chaplin services at the hospital.
I'm sorry for your loss and wish you had had more time with him, circumstances being as they were. No one ever wants harm to come to a child and many people ache with you but none can understand your loss quite like you and your family. So many of us have out own little angels with God that baby Joshua is in good company.

Anonymous said...

Jill, I am praying for you to get through the coming days. I pray for a peace for your entire family and that God gives you the right words for your babies.

Love
Rainy

Curls O Fred said...

So much to feel in your experience. I'm so sorry, and sending ((hugs)) and thoughts for you and your family.

Nicole said...

Thinking about you and praying for you to feel God's arms wrapped around you and your family carrying you through this valley.

Peggy Fenton said...

No parent should ever have to endure the loss of a child. My heart breaks for you and your family. May God heal your heart and keep your sweet Joshua safe in his arms in heaven. God bless you.

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you and your family. I'm a fellow heart mom and have seen the love you guys have surrounding you in the CHD world. I'm so sorry people are making this time even more unbearable than it already is. You deserve the peace and comfort that only God can give and that is what I'll be praying for for your family <3

Kristie Canham <3

Jodee said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I hurt for you and your family... You are in my prayers. xoxoxox

Claudia Porpiglia said...

Praying for comfort, strength, wisdom and a peace that will sustain you as you mourn.

Avery Tales said...

Jill,
If I were with you I would give you a huge hug and just sit in silence. I know that the pain is unbearable. I don't think there's a pain worse than this. However, if I were with you I would also hold your hands, look you in the eye and tell you with all of the confidence in the world that you WILL be okay. It won't be tomorrow, or next week, or next month, but in time you'll find hope again. In time you'll smile a real smile and laugh a real laugh. In time you will heal. For now, cry, yell, be silent, just grieve. Don't rush it. Take each moment as it comes.

I know that there is nothing I can say to make this any easier, because I've been there. However, I wish I had someone to talk to who had survived the loss of a baby who could have given me some hope soon after we lost Olivia. If you want to talk I'll be happy to listen. You can reach me at 205-249-0431. I'm sending prayers for peace and strength beyond all understanding.

In His Love,
Lurenda

Sara said...

"Lord, I don't know this sweet woman, but her words break my heart. As a mother, I understand how she could in such pain. Ease her pounding heart. Ease her brokeness. Ease the fear, anguish, and loss she feels deeply. Love on this sweet family.. especially his siblings. Death is so hard to understand, especially with such sweet babies. Wrap your arms around her, brush her hair back with you love, provide an indescribable comfort to hear through her time of healing. Amen"

** I don't know you. In fact, I just followed a link from Twitter. In the first sentence, I started crying, bawling actually. As a blogger and Momma, I wish I could just hug you until it all goes away, but we know it won't. The loss of a child is something I hope to never bare and I want you to know that, this stranger, this blogger, this woman behind this comment is praying for you, hard. Know you have a prayer warrior you'll probably never meet, but there it is.

Prayer for your family.

Brittney said...

My heart is breaking for you. I cannot imagine what you are going through, and I don't know what I can say that could possibly bring you any comfort. I don't know you, but I just wish that even for a moment, I could take away your pain and suffering. I am so very sorry. I am praying for your strength, peace, and your broken heart.

Plum Wonderful Momma said...

We're here for you. God is in control, just continue to look to Him for strength in this time. Again, we're here for you.

Shin Ae said...

Hello, I am reading your blog for the first time today. I am so, so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

Ausmerican Housewife said...

Been thinking of you and yours, and of Ewan's family all day. I've never had to visit a funeral director before my son died and I did not like it. I did not like knowing that my baby would be in a little white box. I did like the dignity and care they showed Evan, and the tenderness with which they did what needed to be done. The absolute tenderness at his burial and one of the directors told us the best thing. "When you lay him down, put his head this way. That way the sun will hit his face every morning."

May the sun hit your face every morning, even when all you want to do is crawl into a dark hole and sleep. Praying for peace and for the strength to get through the difficult days/weeks/months ahead.

Angela said...

I feel for you hon! I know we don't know each other at all but I will be lighting a candle for you and your family to find strength through this difficult time!

Amber Page Writes said...

You don't know me, I don't know you, but I just want to tell you how very very sorry I am for your loss. The women who are attacking you should be ashamed of themselves.

I hope you find the strength you need to get through this.

Devon said...

you will survive. its so difficult. one day at a time, thats the best advice i can give you. it might even be an hour at a time....

i am so sorry for your loss. so very sorry.

Candice Y said...

Prayers for you and your family. <3

The Empress said...

Please know that I am praying and crying for you here.

I don't know you, but I am with you know, praying for God to somehow help you survive this time.

I don't know what else to pray for.

Just to survive, is all I can think.

I am sorry beyond words....

Kathie said...

Oh, dear mama, I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you, but I know there is nothing that will take the pain away besides God and time. I will hold you in my heart and pray for you.

I have not ever lost a child, but times were tough when Amelia was small and going through her surgeries. I do not compare the two situations at all, for they are incomparable, but I know that somehow I have found the strength to get through some tough times, though I don't know how. One thing that gave me hope is that I saw other moms going through the same thing, and they were okay. I know several moms (IRL and through the internet) who have suffered this kind of loss. And they are all doing okay now, farther out from their loss. It will come in time...nurture yourself and allow others to nurture you during this time as well. Sending you much love.

Shannon Henrici said...

I have come so close to being in your situation, I can only understand a small part of what you are going through. But it was a very powerful small part that will be with me forever. My heart is breaking for you and my tears are real! I am so sorry! The love for a baby is so deep and unfathomable, those who haven't had the chance to feel this can't understand. The thought of loving this fully and true, but to have it come to such a tragic end is unbearable. I don't think you ever get over this type of death, but you do manage to go on. It changes you as a person FOREVER. But these changes might be a gift - you appreciate life, love, family, and yourself so much more. You find strength that you never thought you had. My God be with you and your family during this time! Ignore the naysayers, there are always critics in this life. They have their own demons to deal with and feel sorry for them that they have such miserable lives. But, you aren't going to join them!

Nickie said...

I've been praying for you, and my heart is full of love for you both, as my eyes are full of tears. We all prayed for you at church last night. Prayer and my love is all I have to give you, I wish I could do more. Much love to you both. :(

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I am so incredibly sorry. My heart is with your family right now.

singedwingangel said...

I have never lost a child so I will not say I know how you feel, cause I don't. I can only imagine and I know even that can never come close to the pain you are feeling. Stay strong and know that God will use this in your life in some way to bring about His glory. It may not look like it now, but I promise God will carry you farther then you ever thought possible.
As for the negative commenters, forgive them, they speak without thinking and without weighing the cost of their remarks. People like that cannot have empathy or compassion as they are too busy trying to make sense and find blame in what seems to be a senseless situation..
Sending prayers and love to you and your husband

C Lo said...

Don't feel like you need to be strong.....grieve for your baby and let Gods strength carry you through this. Lean on him, lean on the community of women who never met you and now surround you with prayer and love.

I can't imagine your pain, mama. Sending lots of love and prayers.

Amber said...

Praying for you and your family Jill

Michelle said...

I wish there was something that could ease the pain. There is not. We went through a tragic, shocking death recently.. I know how difficult it is. I'm so so so sorry for you.

Nancy said...

Many, many prayers for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss.

Heart Hugs,
Nancy
http://rebekahgraceellis.blogspot.com

Barely Domestic Mama said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Joshua. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that God gives you the strength and the courage you will need.

jsimon1028 said...

Jill,
My son and daughter-in law are expecting their first son in December, he too has HLHS. We have a long journey ahead of us. I have been reading your blog. I am deeply sorry for your families loss, no words can ever take away the pain your family suffers, but please know your family and sweet Joshua is in our thoughts and prayers everyday. Sincerely, Sandi Simon & family.

Barnmaven said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your whole family are in my prayers.

Erin said...

One day at a time, one breath at a time. You are strong enough, God will carry you when you fall. Breathe deep, hold the children you can hold and know that Jesus is holding the one you can't. Take support from those that offer it, and take one step at a time.

All of my love and prayers.




FOOTPRINTS

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Emmy Lou said...

I have no words.

I pray God comforts and heals your broken heart as He fully understands the pain of losing a Son - may He hold you close.

Meghan said...

My heart breaks into a million pieces for you. Not only for your sweet baby boy but for the hate showing up on your blog. Delete the hate hiding behind their anonymous covers don't let it become you. The blogging community will pull through for you and help be your strength. I know you will pull though this. Keep your head up.

Aimee @ Ain't Yo Mama's Blog said...

I have no words to express my sorrow. The depth of your pain is unimaginable to me and my heart breaks for you. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way to give you the strength you need.

Brady Bunch Mom said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. There are thousands of women in the blogging/twitter community that are sending you positives thoughts and prayers. SO many people are rallying around you. Just know that we are all thinking about you right now. All that love, FAR outshines a few that can be so insensitive.

Mary said...

I just read about this.I hope all the prayers help you to feel God's love for you and your family.

Lisette said...

The early days of grief are horrible, I seriously can say it was a blur. You feel like you can't breathe, you can't go on but TRUST ME you will. Life will never be the same, you are a different person because of this and it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Being part of this loss community isn't something I wish for anyone but do know that many of us will be here for you as you take these steps. I continue to pray for you. I really understand your pain even though we have different stories, ((HUGS)).

I'm a full-time mummy said...

Hello, I'm writing in from Malaysia. I'm so sorry to read about this. I don't know what and how else to comfort you but to just continue trusting in our Lord. My prayers for you and your family during this difficult time.

Olivia said...

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

I've never lost a child and cannot imagine what you are going through. I am a midwifery student and can only pray that I would be able to offer the support my clients need in the event of the death of a baby. The link above is an amazing journey of a family who lost a baby at birth, different circumstances, but Angie's writing may be of comfort to you. Many blessing to you and your family.

Holly Wilson said...

I know you don't know me, and it might be a little awkward or at least surreal to read all these comments from people you don't even know. I heard about your story from a couple of pages I follow on Facebook. My heart breaks with you. I am so sorry you had to say goodbye to your baby so soon and just as sorry that there are cruel people in the world who would place one ounce of blame on you. You are in my prayers, and I hope you are comforted in know your little Joshua is in Jesus arms until you can hold him in yours again. I can't even imagine how much you have suffered recently, but remember that all things work together for the good of those that love God. And we may never understand the pain we feel until we're in Heaven. I know this sounds a little weird coming from a complete stranger, but I wish I was there to give you a hug and tell you I love you. I have never lost a child, and my daughter was never anywhere near as sick as Joshua, but I know how scared I was when she was in the hospital for just 5 days 2 different times, and I can't imagine how much worse it was for you. I will be praying that God will comfort you in this tragedy.

Anonymous said...

You are an amazingly strong person, and you are in my prayers. May God bless and keep your family.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there were something I could say or do to take away even a bit of your pain, but know that there is not. I can say that I have followed your blog since you were pregnant and am amazed at what a wonderful, strong mother you were to your little boy. You were his loving mother, biggest ally and strongest advocate throughout. I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through and my heart breaks for you. I am also very saddened that in what are probably the darkest moments of your life people have chosen to advance their own cause, bullying you along the way. I am, however, uplifted by the maturity and strength you have shown even now in your response to their behavior. I am sure you are making your little Joshua very proud. All my love and prayers as you and your family navigate these difficult times.
Hannah

Jamie said...

Just another stranger who recently discovered your page. I have been trying to find the words but I have nothing to ease the pain. Instead we continue to pray for you and your family. We pray for your strength. You have an army of support and prayers!!

mae said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the disgusting display of bullying you're been subjected to. Regardless of any merit their cause may have, attacking a grieving family is inexcusable and you don't deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves to be treated this way. I wish you and your family peace. Please, don't even read the negative comments, not just keep them unpublished. Delete them without reading and don't look back. The last thing your family needs right now is the hate they are spewing. My prayers are with you and your family.

The Proud Mommy said...

God will guide you.. have faith.. pray.. and be thankful for the time you spent with him, for the kisses, the hugs.. I could not imagine the pain you're feeling right now but you're in my thoughts and in my prayers.

I'm so sorry! **hugs**

Heather said...

Aunt Becky mentioned you in a post today and that is what brought me here. I am so, so, so sorry for your loss of Joshua. I cannot imagine the grief and sorrow of losing a child. I know I am a total stranger, but for whatever comfort it may bring, please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family.

Intactivista said...

I am an intactivist, but also a human being.
I only want to send love and hugs your way, even though we've never met and probably never will.


I would never find the audacy to blame you for the death of your son. You loved him with all your heart, as any mother would, and we NEVER would blame a mother for making what she honestly believes is the best choice for her child. It is other people who need to change, other people we need to address, other societal issues we as a group believe that need to change, not you.

All you need and deserve as of now, is love and comprehension, arms around you as well as shoulders to cry on, and hopes for a very bright future with the rest of your family.

Besides, it is absolutely not my task to judge what happened to your son - not from a moral neither medical viewpoint, since I would be speaking from a position of almost total ignorance. It is absolutely not useful to speak about "whatifs", now that your child rests peacefully to never endure pain again.

May life give you much calm and happiness, beautiful mother.

bukaeyes said...

I am so sorry for your loss and I pray for you and your family.

Carolyn said...

There is nothing I can possibly say to ease your pain, but please know there are many, many people out there who are thinking about you and your family. God Bless you all.

AnnD said...

Another Intactivist here...

Intactivista couldn't have said it better.

I echo her statement and just wanted to tell you that my heart aches for you and your family.

I will continue to pray for your peace and healing.

As you stated in your post, even though we don't agree, I have no doubt that you loved your little Joshua more than life itself and that every decision you made on his behalf was made with his best interests in mind.

Please know that we aren't all "bullies" and we do empathize with you.

mybumpyjourney said...

I am so sorry for you loss. I will be saying prayers for you and your family.

Murf said...

I have no idea who you are and haven't even read all of your blog about your son, but I want you to know that my heart breaks for you. I found out about it through someone else's posting one of the nasty links on facebook and I wanted you to know that I have been fighting in your defense. I admire your courage and your exemplifying Christ through it all. I haven't been in the exact same situation as you, but it's similar enough that I can tell you that I know what it feels like to be lied about, gossiped about, and stuff getting so blown out of proportion that it's absolutely absurd.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you!

Tracey Snyder said...

Jill-

I am so sorry that you have to not only deal with the loss of your child but the bullying of others. And we wonder why our kids are getting bullied at school?? I have never lost a child and don't know what you are going though but I hope and pray you are able to find peace and strength to get though it all.

Always,
Tracey, Jeremy, Riley, Drew and Jordan Snyder
www.ForTheLoveOfMendingHearts.blogspot.com

Mommy Lisa said...

Peace be with you my sister and your lovely family.

Joni said...

Prayers continued for your family, just like we did for Joshua. He was such a sweet boy..I will not soon forget him.
Thank you for being such an amazing mother and woman, as a Christian myself, I know it is easy to be attacked....but your faith in God is amazing. You are obviously hurting beyond belief, but please continue to give God the glory, even in these times that seem so hard.
Im sure it must feel like an eternity until you will see Joshua, but you will see him for eternity when you get there. May God bless your family and thank you for sharing your sweet boy with us.

Francis Harris said...

my name is Francis i know we haven't meet but im here to say that u and your family are in my prayers. Right nw im in the hospital with my son Im doing kinda the same thing u did for your baby and i don't think that there is nothing wrong with that. What im trying to say is im sorry to hear that they are trying to blame it all on you and if you need someone to talk to im here for you anytime. You can call me at 318-470-3488, you can email me @ francis_harris2010@yahoo.com and you can all so find me on facebook and twitter my facebook name is francis harris and my twitter is ms.butterfiy. You and your family are in my heart and my prayers and may God be with you all. And plz hold on and be strong

CureSMA4Stella said...

Oh that is horrible that this is happening. I'm so mad that you have lost your precious son, only to experience such wrath. :( Our prayers are with you. Hugs from Iowa!

Sarah and Stella

ALMommy said...

We are lifting baby Joshua up in prayer. Know that you and your family are loved in this moment and always, no matter what.

Becca said...

I have come to your page via Twitter. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. May God be with you and yours during this time of grief. I wish that I had words to take your pain away. I don't. I just wanted to say that many people are lifting you up in prayer.

trooppetrie said...

when we lost our baby on november 5, 1998, almost fourteen years ago someone gave
me a card with this poem and it has meant more to me that anything. so i
thought i would share it. the scripture on the front is Job 1:21 and inside
it says:
" I was thinking about what's ahead for the baby. Can you imagine-it will be
taking its first steps on the streets of Heaven! Hannah was a mother who
certainly knows how special a little baby is. Perhaps she'll be the one who
will let it hold her finger as it takes those first staggering steps; and
maybe she will be the one to coax it into taking it first steps alone!
Perhaps Dorcas will see to it that its hems get let out, and that the
buttons are sewn on that growing child. And Joshua! Just think what it would
be like for a child to climb into his lap and hear-first hand- about the
battle of jericho!..
Maybe Petrer will take it fishing someday! It will never fall out of tree or
breaks it's leg, for there is no pain or tears there! It won;t be afraid of
the dark for there is no darkness there. The King of Kings, the Lord of
Lords, he is the very one who said, "let the little children come to me." I
expect there will be many a time when he himself will take that baby in his
lap and let it know a love that makes all other loves seem puny by contrast.
I wouldn't be surprised if the Heavenly Father keeps a few lollipops handy
for just such occasions....
And one day, you will be greeted with a " Hi Dad and Mom! I've got some of
the neatest things to show you; and some really fantastic people i can't
wait for you to meet."

barefootbetsy said...

I am a Christian intactivist and your lovely family has been in my prayers since yesterday when I found out about your losing your precious son.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have lost two babies in utero and a baby brother (stillborn). I take comfort in the fact that I will someday see them in heaven and, though I know there's nothing I can write to make things better, I hope you're able to find comfort in that thought as well.

Much love to you,
~B.

dinnae said...

Just wanted to let you know, Jill and Shane, that I'm another intactivist who was sleepless last night grieving and praying for you two, your children, and little Joshua.

Yes, I'm an intactivist and lactivist, and most definitely a mother, but first and foremost, I'm a child of God, and your sister in Christ. I pray that His grace gets you through this, and although I know the pain will never go away, that the hope of seeing Joshua in Heaven will lessen the intensity of it day by day.

Praying for you,
Dinnae

badgermama said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you and your family. It's so sad and terrible. A hug to you from an Internet stranger...

Laura said...

I like others, can not begin to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your sweet, adorable baby. My friend had posted your site on her FB page in hopes of ralling as much prayer for Joshua as she possibly could. I wish with all my heart that the power of prayer worked. You and your family are constantly in my thoughts and prayers and you have made such an impact on so many peoples lives. You were the best Mommy Joshua could have had and you DID make all the right choices. I find it absoultely horrendous what you have been put through with the some of the intactivist's . . . it truly boggles my mind how anyone could say one mean thing to you at such a difficult time. Know that you have so many people on your side and praying for you and your family.

Katya said...

I am so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine the pain you must be in. The people who blame you and bully you are wrong. Don't let them take away from you that you are a wonderful mother and that you love your son.
Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family from Washington state.

craphead said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I'm not the praying sort, but I am definitely holding you and your family in my thoughts.

I'm not the circumcising sort, either, but I am a mother and a human being and my heart breaks for you and your family. I am so sorry people have been hurtful to you. Please know that most intactivists are loving human beings and that is why they believe what they believe and do what they do. Still, some have crossed a line and I feel that I have more in common with you than with them because of that (and despite our apparent differences).

I wish you to be surrounded by love and peace in your time of grief.

Leah said...

Truth be told, I've never read your blog before. But my heart goes out to you. It's not an easy thing to lose a loved one, especially one so young. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
Lamentations 3:31-33
For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.
He is there for you and will carry yours during these hard times.
Much love to you

Anonymous said...

I am another intactivist that you don't know who heard your story, and honestly I am shocked to hear that my fellow intactivists were blaming you for his death, I may not agree with your choice to circumcise your son, but I think it is sick that anyone would try to guilt you for his death, or blame you, that is sick. Lots of people Circumcise their boys, most live full lives, your son had a heart defect, he did not die because of a circumcision, he died from a heart defect... I am appauled that anyone would say differently.

brittanyib said...

I'm not a parent, so I can't even begin to fathom what you are going for. But as a person with even a mediocre imagination, my heart breaks for you. I was just introduced to your blog today (thanks to LiberalGranolaGirl) but I wanted to say that I am praying for you and your family<3 I'm so sorry that there are people out there trying to twist your son's short life into something so nasty.

libby @ ninesandquines said...

I found your story through Twitter and want to say that all of those negative people will only bring you more love through us, those who support you and grieve for your loss alongside you. Through God you will see that there are far more of us loving people out there to support you than those who will try to bring you down. Together we will protect you from them...

Wayne and Sue Rasmussen said...

Jill,
Please do not feel like you have to defend yourself to any of those insufferable people making nasty comments. It isn't worth your time and energy. You need to save your precious energy to get through the loss of your adorable baby boy.
The Bible says we are to weep with those who weep, and that is what thousands of us are doing. We are weeping with you. Even though many of us have never experience the loss of a child, we can still share in your sorrow. As your sister in Christ, I can do nothing less.
I am loving you and praying for you from a distance. We may not know each other on this side of heaven, but we will on the other side!
Praying,
Sue (& Wayne) Rasmussen

Elinor said...

Jill,
like so many others here my heart is broken for your loss. It is made worse by the tactless and cruel people who feel that they know better then YOU (the MOM) what is best for YOUR child. Your love for your son (and family) is evident in your posts. I will be praying for your peace and comfort. And I hope that for every negate comment you get or is written about your family that many others step up and support you.

Sarah said...

Las Vegas Intactivist and mother of 2 here.

We're not all pushy bullys who use others sorrow to further our agenda.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this... mourning this precious little soul, and having to deal with IGNORANT and COLD assholes judging you.

If anything, your story, your sweet little boy, can help people.

I'm praying for you and your family. I know your pretty baby boy is in the arms of God now and suffers no more. Don't worry about blogging, defending yourself, or these crazy jerks who are attacking you. (thanks guys, for making the rest of us look like monsters). Focus on you and your family, on God, and on the memory of Joshua.

May the peace of God be with you and yours...

Anonymous said...

So very sorry for your loss.

Samantha Venn said...

I wanted to send you love and support. Please don't let the hate filled people tear you down. I'm digusted at these fellow intactivist. No words will bring your sweet boy back, no words will ease the ache in your heart. I pray, I love, and I will continue to keep your family in my prayers.

douglass7269 said...

I'm so sorry that you have been through this! I can only partially understand your pain, when my son was 7.5 weeks old he suddenly stopped breathing.. there was nothing previously wrong with my baby boy, so I didn't have a clue why it would have happened, I still don't. My story ends differently though, he was revived, and is a healthy little boy now, I still freak out though, I still wonder why, and I'm only comforted in the fact that God has all things in his hands, and I am praying that you too will have that comfort.

MommyP said...

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your precious baby boy. And I'm truly sorry (and more than disgusted) that the bullies of the world are trying to turn this into an "issue."

Jamie said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I had been following your blog and was so heartbroken when I heard the news. I was also disturbed by the comments people would leave you. I think sometimes people forget a real live person with feelings is on the other side of the computer, and use the computer as a way to hide and say all kinds of terrible things that I pray they wouldn't say to another person, in real life or online. You were there for your son and made the choices you thought were best for him. Nothing else matters. My prayers are with your family.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to post this anonymously, not because I don't want YOU to know who I am, but because I don't want to be targeted by this hate group I didn't even know existed until today.

I've never heard the term intactivist before. In fact, the first few times I saw it written I thought they'd mistyped and meant activist. Who knew there was a whole group of bullies out there searching the internet for parents to prey on.

Heck, I don't mind one bit trying to educate people on the subject. I object to the apparent leader, Drmomma or something like that, on Twitter STEALING your baby's photos and using your tragedy and story to further her cause. That's shameful, and all the supporting commenter on her blog post should be ashamed of themselves. Not picking on you? Bull*hit! Their very comments are condemning.

To assume that they can tell the cause of your son's death from their chairs in their basements it pathetic. To blame pro-cir (another term I'd never heard of) people for starting rumors and posting horrible comments in their name is so preposterous. They're clearly a mob and in the mob mentality. They need to move away from the keyboard and realize that even IF their numbers are right that 100 boys die every year from circumcision, compare that to the number of infants dying everyday from malnutrition.

Perhaps instead of attacking you and other poor families, they should start raising money to feel the hungry, or provide funds for healthcare for all the infants dying daily of diseases that are easily inoculated against. I can't understand their passion for something that's your personal choice. It's not illegal. Hey, that's what they should do if they're too lazy to save the world's children. Work to get circumcision made illegal and THEN they can force their beliefs on others. Until then, pardon my language, they can all go F*CK OFF!

Again, personally I want to wrap my arms around you and rock you and tell you you did nothing wrong. At to them? I'd like to knock them all upside the head and tell them to butt out and do something worthwhile.

And to you idiot intactivists, I'm not a pro-cir and I don't give a rats ass about either of you. This isn't about you. Move on and find another hobby.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to post this anonymously, not because I don't want YOU to know who I am, but because I don't want to be targeted by this hate group I didn't even know existed until today.

I've never heard the term intactivist before. In fact, the first few times I saw it written I thought they'd mistyped and meant activist. Who knew there was a whole group of bullies out there searching the internet for parents to prey on.

Heck, I don't mind one bit trying to educate people on the subject. I object to the apparent leader, Drmomma or something like that, on Twitter STEALING your baby's photos and using your tragedy and story to further her cause. That's shameful, and all the supporting commenter on her blog post should be ashamed of themselves. Not picking on you? Bull*hit! Their very comments are condemning.

To assume that they can tell the cause of your son's death from their chairs in their basements it pathetic. To blame pro-cir (another term I'd never heard of) people for starting rumors and posting horrible comments in their name is so preposterous. They're clearly a mob and in the mob mentality. They need to move away from the keyboard and realize that even IF their numbers are right that 100 boys die every year from circumcision, compare that to the number of infants dying everyday from malnutrition.

part 1 of 2

Anonymous said...

Part 2 of 2

Perhaps instead of attacking you and other poor families, they should start raising money to feel the hungry, or provide funds for healthcare for all the infants dying daily of diseases that are easily inoculated against. I can't understand their passion for something that's your personal choice. It's not illegal. Hey, that's what they should do if they're too lazy to save the world's children. Work to get circumcision made illegal and THEN they can force their beliefs on others. Until then, pardon my language, they can all go F*CK OFF!

Again, personally I want to wrap my arms around you and rock you and tell you you did nothing wrong. At to them? I'd like to knock them all upside the head and tell them to butt out and do something worthwhile.

And to you idiot intactivists, I'm not a pro-cir and I don't give a rats ass about either of you. This isn't about you. Move on and find another hobby.

Sorry, I didn't realize how ticked off I was until I had to post this in two posts.

SMHoitsma said...

Jill-

I am very sorry about your loss. My heart is breaking for you and your family. I have been following your blogs since Joshua was born. It is sooo wrong of those people to have said those horrible things to you when you just want to mourn his passing. You, Shane, and the kids are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sandi Hoitsma

Kacey said...

I would not make the choice that you made, but as parents we are always just a moment away from tragedy. As one mother to another I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Sue said...

Here from LFCA.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Mrs. V said...

I've never prayed so hard for a family I do not know. Tears drip on my keyboard as I type. My heart breaks for you.

Praying for you, from Phoenix

Ben said...

So, so sorry to hear about your loss. It's something no parent should have to go through.

Keep strong, and hold your family close.

Thinking of you all. x

Unknown Mami said...

I am so unbelievably sorry for your tremendous loss. I am sending you love. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts.

You are strong and brave and you will continue to amaze yourself and others.

Steven said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know you, but I will be praying. I can't fathom how it would feel just to lose a beloved child, and then to be viciously attacked. Why do people feel the need to do that when someone is already in so much pain?!

 
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