Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I asked for Scripture

There have been moments when I feel like my entire life is over. The pain is overwhelming, the reality that I will never see my son again (on this side of heaven) is paralyzing. While I know that Joshua is in heaven, whole and perfect, my protective mother heart mourns because he is up there alone, without me. (even though I know he knows no fear, pain, or sadness)

It was all too much to take. All I could do was ask for Scripture. I had my Bible next to me, but I was too overwhelmed to even think of Scripture myself.

I was given verses like Psalm 31. Romans 5. Jeremiah 31:13. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4. and many others through friends on twitter and facebook.

It was in those moments of reading God's Word, that I felt God's presence. I felt his arms around me, holding me, telling me that it's going to be ok. His spirit has whispered to me the same thing He has whispered from day one "I will not take this from you, but it will be managable."

He brought new meaning to that word: managable. It is not something that I can manage. Only God can, and ANYTHING is managable for Him. He has not taken this from us. But it will be managable BY and TO HIM. Thank God I don't have to carry this burden myself. Thank God that He is willing to take my pain, hear my cries, and comfort me.

Thank God for Jesus' death on the cross so that my sweet baby can receive eternal life through Him. THANK GOD!!!!!!!

I asked for Scripture, and He provided.


nicugradsmom said...

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

—Philippians 4:6-7

Isaiah 41:10 “…do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”

Hebrews 13:5 “…God has said, “I will never leave you or forsake you.”

1 John 4:16b,18a “God is love, and those who abide in love abide in God, and God abides in the. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”

I am here if you ever need to talk.....

Little Miss Emmy Lou said...


Danielle said...

Oh Jill, there are no words to describe the pain and sadness that is all encompassing and so overwhelming in those first days, weeks and even months at home without your little one who should be wrapped up in your arms. I know that God's word will be your shelter and your strength; it will lift you up and carry you when you can no longer stand on your own. I know it was the only reason I felt the strength to even keep breathing at times.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Please let me know if you need anything...this is a road that none of us should have to walk. I know nothing will make it easier or make the pain go away, but just know that I completely understand. Continuing to lift you up in prayer.

Nikki said...

I firmly believe families are Eternal. Nothing can break the bonds of family. It's not fair that some people have to live this life without their loved ones, but in the eternities, you will get to be with Joshua again. Remember the poem I sent you. He was never broken. Just torn between two loves.

kirsten michelle said...

Maybe this will sound strange, but the verse I've latched on to this past day or two is John 11:35: "Jesus wept."

If anyone knew about the resurrection of the body, it was Jesus. If anyone knew about the reasons for having hope, it was Jesus. And Jesus knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead. But still -- He wept.

I find comfort in that because He didn't separate Himself from our feelings of loss and profound pain. He grieved, too. And I know He grieves with us, even as our boys know no more pain or suffering. Even as we can rejoice in the hope that we have.

Jesus wept, and He weeps with us too. Thank God for the hope that we have!!

Michelle McCune said...

I love Psalm 138:8.

Paula B. said...

I cry as I read this here at work. I wasn't planning to check your blog during the day but something (the Holy Spirit) pulled me to it. My heart is breaking but your words are TRUTH. Scripture is GRACE to us from our Father in Heaven. Thank you, Jill, for what you have said today. My heart is better for it. I love you, Shane, Caleb, Hannah, and my little Popeye - Joshua.

Christy said...

Hey Jill I know this will not take away hurt but Frank Rowe is up there and I am sure he is looking oout for Joshua. He loved being with kids at church

Barnmaven said...

Jill, I haven't lost a child and I have no way to understand the depth of pain you are feeling. I wanted to recommend listening, if you don't already have it, to Steven Curtis Chapman's album "Beauty Will Rise." All the songs were written after the Chapman's lost their adopted daughter Maria in a tragic accident. I have found tremendous healing in those songs for some other difficult circumstances in my life. He points you right to Jesus and the healing balm of God's love in every word of those songs, even as he pours out his heart over the unexpected and shocking loss of his little girl. In a way your blog posts remind me of the songs on the album, both in the way you are working through the many emotions you are dealing with and the way you keep pointing yourself back toward the Father Who loves you.

Peace be with you.

Anonymous said...

Grandma G is holding and rocking him. She so loved babies. You are not alone with your hurt. So many people love and care for you. Gramma

Jenny said...

I read a lot of scripture after I lost my daughter. I've often returned to Ecclesiastes 1:18 - "For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow."

I've also received great solace from Luke 12:6-7 - "Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows."

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and your family.

~ Jenny

Shelli said...

I'm sorry. I know that God is holding you in his arms during this difficult time and when you least feel it, He will send his earthly angels to help you through.

Lisa said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Oh Jill, I won't say I know how you feel, but I will be saying some prayers for you. I'm so sorry. I'm sure your heart is aching, and nothing anyone can say or do will heal it. But God can, and it's such a blessing that you have Him.

Emily said...

Your faith is an inspiration to all of us. Sending prayers and faith-filled thoughts your family's way.

ArizonaIntactivist said...

I have had an excruciatingly painful life due to severe abuse by others.

The following scripture is one that I cling to and I hope it will bring you some peace as well...

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain..."

~Revelation 21:4

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