Tuesday, October 12, 2010

life goes on....

I get so angry everytime I get on facebook. People's status updates about trivial little things. Living their life without this pain that suffocates and paralyzes.

Life moves on from tragedy. But somehow I am stuck right here. Watching life go on, but not knowing how to make MY life go on.

My baby is dead. My other 2 children are happy doing what they've always done. My husband has gone back to work. I should be caring for all 3 of my children right now. Instead I sit at home. Quiet, angry, heartbroken. Watching the world continue on before my eyes. Trying to breathe.

The prayers from others are still coming. But soon they will die down. The intial support was great, but once it's gone (and it soon will be), that leaves me alone, trying to wade these deep, dark, and scary waters by myself. Frantically trying to grasp God's hand that seems just out of my reach.

I feel like those dark waters are consuming me. Those dark waters pull me deeper and deeper into the abyss. Where there was once light, only darkness surrounds me. That darkness is the broken dreams, hopes, and love that I had for my sweet baby. They are gone. And the rest of the world is moving on.

I've got nothing left. I am completely broken. Almost everything that I held dear has been stripped away from me. Everything that was once valuable to me- my views on God, and on life itself are different.

Don't get me wrong, my love for God is still deep, and my trust in Him is still there, but right now, I am beating on His chest, asking why and begging for Him to find a way to help my life go on.


Nadine said...

I am so sorry you are having a bad day. I pray that you will continue to feel surrounded by love and comforted by those arround you! I can only imagine your grief...I will continue to pray for you! May GOD give you the strength and peace you need. <3

Hope's Blog said...

I can't imagine feeling the way you do right now. I know I have thought about it...I think all heart parents think about it. I don't have any words that will make anything better, but I really want you to know how much I respect and appreciate your love of God. It has brought so much back to me and makes me even closer to Him.

J Holl said...

Jill, I just read your comment on my blog, and now reading this, it does sound like we're on the same page. I'm angry, frustrated and trying to figure out why - but at the same time, I don't feel like I have a right to be any of those things.

I am praying for you, though, and I will continue to do so for as long as it's needed - which is pretty much always.

Love, Jessica

sweetie3 said...

I happened upon your blog yesterday for the first time. I read for what seemed like an hour (at work), tears streaming down my face. Your story and the grace in how you tell things are a gift that you've been given. I'm not a member of the "heart" community, but I've happened upon lots of blogs that you guys all link together. I am amazed at each and every one of the parents and their strengths. God cares, and loves you through this storm...hurricane...natural disaster...but You already know that more than anyone else. I am not anyone special, but I do pray, and I believe God gives a peace that passes understanding. That's what I am praying for you today.

Carla Sue said...

Hey babe. I've got some time Thursday and Friday during the day. Wanna come hang out with me? Or want me to come hang out with you? :) Text me love.

P.S. I'm not going anywhere.

Steph said...

I am praying for YOU and your family, but mostly you, Joshua's dear and loving Mother. Yes, you have 2 other children, but they are doing what they always do and you have this emptiness that is in your heart and will probably never go away. I am sorry for your loss. I was behind on my blog reading and signed on the same day to find out Joshua and another heart baby I follow had gone to be with the Lord. I have a friend who lost her baby and I saw what she went through and it is horrible. It is a nightmare and is going to be for all too long. All we can do is continue to pray for you and believe me, my prayers will not be short lived, I know you think the support will die down and it will, but it will also still lift you up when you need it to. The Lord is there for you and he will carry you through this and help you move on with your life. But right now, I do not think you are supposed to move on just yet, you need to mourn your sweet baby Joshua and think of him often and the times you could have with him, even if he was connected to wires, etc. He knows how much you love him and I am sorry his little body could not handle all that was happening to him, but I know in his soul he wanted to survive. You will see him again one day, may be a long while from now, but until then he is your guardian angel forever and ever and is smiling down and watching over you from heaven, where he is feeling no pain and is playing with other children. I pray you continue to find the strength to make it through the day and grieve, grieve hard for this terrible loss and I know others will be there for you when you want and need it. And it is ok your relationship changed with the Lord and lots of other things, that is going to happen when something this tragic happens, but one day it may bring you closer to Him and if it does not, that is ok, He loves you unconditionally and always will no matter what. And please know that I know you are aware of all I just said, please do not take it as preaching to you, I just wanted to express my sympathy and tell you I am grieving with you too and I am sorry if I got too wordy, I hope you can find something comforting about my words. They are just words, but words from my heart that is aching for you.
Take care and God Bless YOU and your sweet family.

Deanna said...

When you feel those waters start to consume you, think about Isaiah 43:2.
"When you pass through the waters,I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

Praying for you!

3 For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

Erin Wilson said...

jill, your words are so familiar. We lost our precious Josiah almost 9 months ago to HLHS. It is so hard to see life going on. We asked ourselves Now what? for so long after Josiah passed away. We spent 8 months caring for our son in an ICU now what? Nothing seems right about going back to the family of 4 we were. It doesn't feel right to walk into the same church and not be 5. Please know that when you start to feel crazy and wonder if people actually feel or think this way. Know you are not alone, there are some of us who get it. I will always say I have 3 children not because I want people to feel pity for me but just simply because I do. Praying for your healing to come, not soon , but in it's time, in your time.
Much love and empathy,

Marie said...

Don't forget God is grieving with you. He is hurting too that you don't have Joshua in your arms.

It is so appropriate to feel anger, but let God hold some of it for you. Let Him put His arms around you as you beat on His chest. He will answer your prayer, He will see you through it. He loves you.

Wyatt's Mommie said...

I am so very sorry. I have been there, and working from home every now and then takes me back there. The only advice I have to offer is that nothing will ever be the same but eventually you will find a way to make it livable again. Eventually you will grow to understand "the mask" and your life to others will look better. (see my blog, www.wyattswhisper.blogspot.com) But deep inside, you will know the truth. I am only at the 4 month past mark, so maybe "more time" will bring a brighter future. I wish I could make things better for all of us, make it go away. Better yet, I wish that each of them would return to us.

P said...

So we have never met but since I have been reading your blog I have been saying many prayers for you. So while the support you may think is going away there are strangers that are praying for you.
Since Joshua was called to God it made me take a step back and remember how special my children are. How I am blessed that my oldest made it through two open heart operations and various others.
It may seem that the support is fading but there are Moms out there like me that are praying for your comfort, every day.

Erin Wilson said...

Just saw your twitter about needing scripture. This has been the one for me over the last nine months

Lamentations 3:19-26 (New International Version)

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 BECAUSE OF THE LORDS GREAT LOVE WE ARE NOT CONSUMED, (that's the phrase that plays over and over in my mind)
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Gigi said...

12 years ago, as a single mom, the gem of my heart went from my arms into the Savior's arms. The pain isn't anything, anyone could find words to adequately describe...but then...the comfort the Lord brings through out the whole process too, is something that to this day, I am unable to adequately describe. In the absolute darkest point of my life, He proved Hiself completely faithful. He proved Him self completely faithful as step by step, and with the greatest patience, He walked me thru. I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you today.

Anonymous said...

Praying Jill. You are in my prayers!


Angela said...


I have been reading your blog for awhile now after I learned of Joshua's death on Facebook from other CHD parents. My heart breaks for you. I know your journey all too well.

My daughter Hazel was born Jan. 1st. 24 hrs after birth she was transported to the nearest Children's Hospital and diagnosed with HLHS. After 2 open heart surgeries she wasn't able to come off ECMO and died in my arms Jan. 14th.

Your fierceness, your faith, and your honesty remind me so much of me. Then and now.

I so agree with your Facebook comment. I get so angry or depressed if I spend too much time on there. I get it.

Life moving on is by far the worst part. I still look around and want to scream. I want to tell every person I see, don't you know what I have been through? How can you be smiling?

Relationships....so much to say on this. You are right, your eyes are now open in a way you never wanted. Friends and family will fail you. It is crushing to deal with this on top of everything else. But, as awful as this has been for me, I have found incredible people because of Hazel that have loved me and supported me just as I have asked and needed them to. I wouldn't want to be where I was as a person a year ago. I wouldn't want to be without these new friends.

I love reading your blog and your honesty. Like I said, I was very similar in my writing but it didn't last more than a few months. Not everyone can handle a grieving mother, and the comments I dealt with from it only caused more pain. My blog is now private, which has helped tremendously. I hope you can continue to write freely about your journey without attacks.

Lastly, I can say that despite many hours and days of darkness, where I could not see the light, God has sustained me in a way I did not know was possible. When people forget, move on, or say hurtful things, He is still there. Loving me deeply despite my questions and anger sometimes. He is so patient, so forgiving, and so good. He is enough.

I think of you often and pray that He gives you the strength to get through today. This morning. One breath at a time.

(Feel free to email me at anytime to talk more - angela.hlhsmommy@gmail.com)

With deep love,

Anonymous said...

Is there any way you and your family can get away for a bit? I understand the need to keep things normal for the kids and resume daily life...but it may help to just "be" for awhile. Take a break from all the social network stuff, job stuff, daycare stuff and just spend time with each other. As I'm sure you know, there are some excellent facilities dedicated to helping families cope with the loss of a child. Being from the midwest as well, I'm attaching a link to a well-known and wonderfully reviewed lodge that may be of interest to you...if not now, maybe in the days or weeks ahead. http://www.faithslodge.org/index2.htm There are plenty of opportunities for sponsorship, if you're truly interested. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.


Mommy E said...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

I want to let you know that reading your struggle has made me come closer to God. I've been questioning why he would do this to anyone. When I finally got an answer, (I had to sit still long enough to hear it,) He asked me what happened to us when our family was dealing with the hospitals?

We had a year of hospitals, what we not-so-fondly refer to as the year of hell. our daughter was in and out of hospitals and clinics her first nine months of life, and then my brother was hospitalized with pneumonia.

after all that, the simple reality was we were stronger. stronger in spirit, stronger in mind, stronger in our faith, and much stronger and closer as a family.

this hurts now, this feels like its killing you now. I'm sure you've had moments where you you wish He'd taken you instead. where you want to see your baby bad enough to want to join him. but if you let Him, God will wrap you up in his arms to keep you, and make you stronger for it.
He understands the tears, the screaming, the anger. he understands you heart. I cannot imagine how much more your dealing with. I'm very sorry for the pain your having to go through.

my heart breaks for you and your family. We continue to pray for you, and if I can do anything to help, let me know.

Amy said...

Oh man, Jill, I feel horrible right now. I'm one who posts trivial status updates on FB. And you're right: it's just trivial. I'm so sorry. I can't blame you for taking a FB break. You have to do whatever needs to be done to get through this.

I know it's not exactly the same, but I remember feeling so stuck in time when my sister (she was my only sibling and my best friend) died. I even wrote in my blog, "How can the sun continue to rise & set so regularly when we're suffering the mother of all broken hearts?" I felt even worse for my mom, who had lost her child.

Yes, the inital surge of support wears off. But you will find that people will always, always ask you how you're doing. They will ask about Joshua. He will not be forgotten by those who matter most. It's been three years since my sister's death and people still ask my mother how she's doing and if she needs anything. It's amazing!! You will never be alone.

Lyndsey said...

Praying for you this morning, dear mother. Rest in Jeremiah 29:11 whenever you can. God has laid you on my heart a lot lately. I hate that we live so close yet dont really know each other and I cant help more. I have a 2 year old son that I stay home with, but if you ever want someone to just come and sit with you - even if we dont talk about anything, or we can talk about everything - we are always here for you.

Kathie said...

We have never met but I feel like I know you - you have put your heart and soul out here on your blog with such clarity and honesty. You are constantly on my mind the past week and I pray for God to comfort you several times throughout the day. They're not fancy prayers by any means because I'm really not good at praying at all, but they're there and I think that's what's important.

I promise you, I will not forget you or Joshua. I know people tend to disappear because they can't handle it and don't know what to say and it can be an uncomfortable situation. I will pray that your friends and family members can be shown how to love and support you during this time, because try as I might, I am really nothing more than a keyboard, and although words can be comforting it's not the same as a great big hug or a cup of coffee shared. Sending you lots of love.

Anonymous said...

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.”- Proverbs 19:20-21

My husband always tells me to "go through the motions and they will become normal." When I had problems he said "go to church, and soon you will want to again." he always told me to act how I wanted to be and soon i would be that person. Go to the store, say "Hi" to people, cry, but don't give the devil a foothold. Apologize in tears when you lose your temper, lose your pride and be the example you set yourself up to be.
We are so proud of you. Where do you go from here? You try to pick up the pieces and not die with your son.
much love mama.

Anonymous said...

Jill, I just want to strongly encourage you to find a support group of other mom's who are going though the same thing. Try the community at http://grievingparents.com/
but there are lots of similar organizations including NILMDTS and even forums on babycenter.com
I hope you find the support you need!

Wayne and Sue Rasmussen said...

Please know, as others have said, that God will bring you to mind long after this time of Joshua's passing. We will keep praying for you ... He won't let us forget. Of course the comments may dwindle after a while, but the prayers will continue.
Love on Caleb and Hannah as much as you can. Enjoy their smiles even as you miss seeing Joshua smile. Don't miss the joy of their lives. They all grow up so quickly. My three are all older than you are, and it just seems like yesterday when they were so little and giggly.
From one Mommy to another ... sending hugs and prayers your way.

P.S. I hope the idiots out there don't ever make you feel the necessity of making this blog private. As much as it makes me sad when I cry with you, I look forward to sharing your thoughts and feelings. I hope the knowledge that so many of us are sharing in your sorrow helps to some degree. However, you need to do what is best for you and your family. If all of a sudden I find you have disappeared, I will ask our Father in heaven to keep you on my heart.

Anonymous said...

i know i havent seen you in years,but i have thought of you often. if you ever feel like everybody has said all they can or listened to all they can,look me up. i cannot imagine what you are going through,but i can listen,and maybe,once in a while,make ya smile or laugh.(yep,im still as clumsy and clueless as ever!)your r.u.m.c. family has never forgotten you(in fact,i found out about joshua through the newsletter they send out),and the prayers and well-wishing will never stop from our end.
take care of yourself,your husband,your beautiful babies. you are an awesome person,with a true soul and strength i only wish i had. we are thinking of you always(the kids asked for prayers for you guys at their school,too.oooh,i got in trouble for that one!lol)but,long rambling story short,im here for venting,talking about the hurtful or happy memories,or life in general......xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Holly-Marie Gramke(Matthews)

Lisa said...

Throwing a life ring your way and extending my hand to help you to shore so that the abyss does not consume you.
There are many of us on this path who are willing to help you in any way that we can.

Please check out:

Devon said...

It's the thing nobody tells you about grief....Just know I will be here to still listen and read your heart....

I quit Facebook too! I couldn't (and still can't) handle the trivial.

Ella said...

Sit in it Mama, allow the grief to wash over you. You will not be drowned! Let it come- let the cyclical cycle flow.

Dittoing the PP that stated the scripture- "when you pass through the waters." Emotions are like the waters, and when you feel them you will not be alone. Embrace that. Continue to trust that.

Sending so much love Mama!
May you continue to feel the "Presence of God SURROUND you."

Nikki said...

You will have my prayers forever. Not just the next week or two. FOREVER. You have changed me. Joshua has changed me. You gave me so much to aspire to be.

I can't say I know how you feel because I don't. I don't pretend to know what this is like for you. What I do know is that allowing the grief to come and to let yourself feel what you are going to feel is a good thing. Don't worry about daycare, or the laundry, or what's for dinner. Do what you need to do to cope.

Please know I am here, just a quick email away and will always be here to support you, even in your darkest hour. We don't know each other, and I know you can reach out to those closest to you, but I AM HERE.

Sarah said...

We've never met, but I will be praying for you for a long time. I commit to that, because I see your heart here and all you've suffered. I don't know what it's like to be where you are, but I will continue to pray.

Jillian said...

A close friend of our family told me once, "It's okay to be angry with Him; He can handle it."

Anonymous said...

There have many days when I've read your blog and just cried and cried. My heart hurts so much for you Jill, I cannot imagine what you are going through. I just want you to know that your sisters in Christ are faithfully praying for you.

When the darkness surrounds you-He is always there.

When it seems to much to bear-He will give you strength.

When people don't understand or know what to say-He will give you grace.

As Kirsten posted on Team Ewan the other day, the light is always stronger than the darkness. I can see the light of Jesus shining through you. Joshua's life and his legacy are part of His devine plan, the purpose is yet to be revealed. I can only wonder how many hearts have been renewed as a result of hearing your story. Joshua was and is loved by so many and so are you!
Sending you love and prayers from NY,

Anonymous said...

It is right and natural to mourn Joshua's passing, but it is also OK to feel joy and love at what is still here with you, a loving husband and two precious children all who love you unconditionally. I agree with going through the motions and know that soon enough it will not feel like going through the motions. If you can take take the family on a trip even if only for a day, the zoo, a fall festival, possibly a pumpkin patch laugh and have fun together. Remember that even when you are mourning is is okay to delight in the living. I am praying for you and your family.

Jessica, TX

Peach said...

Reading your blog I fell in love with your family, and though I can't offer more than my humble prayers, maybe you can draw some quiet strength from the fact that I will be reading, grieving, and growing with you.

Allyson said...

I am sitting here on my patio, reading blogs and checking Twitter every 5 minutes or so. I just saw a tweet come across from my friend, Sara (@SaraPlaysHouse) about you being cyberbullied (which I think is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG) but it also prompted me to look at your Twitter account and eventually hop over to your blog.

I want you to know that everything you feel, I have felt for so many months now. I literally thought I was losing my mind. I've driven myself to the mental institute here in the city twice and BEGGED them to take me. I lost my son at 17 weeks pregnancy. He was stillborn on the 15th of September and it was heartwrenching to labor and deliver a child who did not scream or cry as the others did around me. We have not been through the same situation, but we feel many of the same things. Thank you for putting your grief out there, as I have been unable to do. I am so sorry to hear about your son. And know that I, too, will say that I have one child who has gone to heaven. I don't say it to be awkward...I say it because it's true. Why would you deny a child's existence just to put someone else at ease? I am a mother first, a friend to others after that. It sounds so cliche to say that I will pray for you...that whatever is going on with the people in your life will get better. But I will pray for you. And now I can pray for you by name instead of just sending nightly prayers up to God saying "and please grant strength to all of the childless mothers". I am so grateful to have found you and I truly hope you feel the strength from those who love you praying for you.

melissa said...

i am so so sorry for your loss.

Watercolor said...

These people who are attacking you are just evil. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers!!

Michelle said...

Oh my sweetness. My heart is breaking for you. 1 month is never long enough to hold your sweet baby. The prayers will last longer then you can imagine. I'm going through something horrible myself, nothing as horrible as this, but it's been 4 months and the prayers and support are still going strong. Trust in the Lord with all your might. He'll hold you and carry you when you feel like you can't go on. Sending you prayers.

Anonymous said...

Jill, you are not alone, we are here praying for you and lifting you up and will continue for as long as needed.

Adelas said...

As fiercely as you love your children, your Father loves you. Whether or not your human father was able to model that, realize that your heavenly Father loves you as much, more purely, and less selfishly than you can ever love your own children.

There are times when our children feel we are hurting them, or letting them be hurt, and we can even sympathize with their sorrow while still not giving in, knowing they will get past it.

Your Father grieves with you.

PB and Jazz said...

Jill and family,

I have been praying for you all for the last few weeks. Your little Joshua and little Ewan have touched my heart and life. I do not know you, I grieve with you. I pray that you will receive peace in this storm and that the hateful attacks against your family will stop. I follow you on
Twitter and will continue to re-tweet and tweet in support of you and your family. May the peace that passes all understand fall on you during this time.

LoPeZ FaMiLy said...

Hi Jill,
My name is Jessica and I have a CHD child also. He was also born with a severe case of HLHS and a heart transplant was his only option. He received his gift at 3.5 months of age and doing pretty well now at home. I've been following your story and never really commented but this post really compelled me to comment..especially your first sentence about facebooking and just "living." When my son, Isaac was in ICU for the scary months of ups and downs waiting for his heart, I would think the same thing. How can people go on living with their lives while my son is hanging in for dear life in this little room that no one knows he's in. Granted, I DO not feel the same as you because you lost your HLHS angel, but I just wanted to let you know that we ARE all here for your support. I can't EVEN imagine all that you have been through and I wish we could all help in some way. I hope that people will read your most recent post and really leave you alone..how DO they sleep at night? All I can say is "I'm so sorry" and I am here for your support. My love for these special kids is unconditional and has changed my life forever. The only other thing I can tell you is to Trust in Him...we all know you are!
With Love and Heart Hugs,
Lopez Family (Jessica)

Peta said...

Hi Jill,

I sit hear at about 7:30pm every night after my little one is tucked away in bed and I think of you and your family... I have for the past week shed a tear and said a prayer for you and your family... I did not know of you till I saw a status update from a friend of mine on facebook status asking for people to pray for your family.. I am at a complete loss at what to say to you how can some words from someone you do not know or ever met take away your pain or even ease it in anyway. It can not but I wanted to you to know that your story has touched me deeply. althou I am not a deeply religious person I do believe in god and his power to heal.. your heart will begin to mend in time but there is no timeline that you have to follow take it minute by minute hour by hour day by day... I will continue to pray for your family.. Continue writting it is medicine for the soul... and know people from all over the world are thinking from you.. your story has managed to reach me in Australia.

Anonymous said...

I have said that I will love Him.
I lie, for I am not.
it is He alone who loves me:
He is, and I am not;
and nothing more is necessary to me
than what he wills,
and that He is worthy.
--Marguerite of Porete, 13th c.

I pray for your healing.

Mommy of 3 said...

New to your blog, but wanted to offer up my sincere condolences on your loss. "I'm sorry" seems so insufficient to say--it just doesn't seem anywhere close to being "enough". Please know my family is praying for your peace and strength.

Sending love across the wires today. God bless...


Jayme said...

I remember hating Facebook too for the longest time! First it was how trivial everything seems to everyone else... and then it was the pregnancy and birth announcements that I hated. Grief sucks. Losing a baby sucks. I'm so sorry that you are walking this path, one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I lost a baby to miscarriage earlier this year and created a group on FB for other women who've been through the same thing. When the support from everyone died down, they remained. It was constant. It still is--we talk every day.

Maybe you could join an online support group. People who will be there for you every minute of every day. I know how much that has helped me.

So sorry for your loss.


Anonymous said...

My husband and I lost our son this year as well. I went to my 36 week checkup where they discovered there was no heartbeat. I delivered him the next day, September 15th. Allyson, our sons have he same birthday. We did not hear him cry, or see the color of his eyes, or feel him squeeze our fingers. We were able to hold him for four hours, but we won't ever again.

There has been a lot of kindness from places I had not expected, but I also find it difficult to look at Facebook or even go to the grocery store.

I have siblings who have yet to ask me about their nephew because they think it will make it worse. Ignoring it doesn' make it better, doesn't make it go away or make it easier. It makes me angry and think less of you. I do not care that it makes you uncomfortable and it's not my job to make you feel better.

There is a boulder in my chest and in my gut. I still can't breathe easily. I no longer cry all day, just every day.

Almost every feeling possible continues to cycle through us. My husband has gone back to work and I sit here by myself. This was supposed to be my maternity leave. This was our first child. We are still waiting to hear about tests to be sure we can even try again.

There is a support group in the town where we live, but I haven't been able to bring myself to call yet.

I know this is rambly, but I just wanted to put it out there.

I am very sorry for your loss, Jill. Continue to put it out there, too. It's a relief to know that I am not crazy and there are others going through the same things.


Courtney said...

WOW what I just read is exactly how i felt when I was at home with just my daughter and my husband went back to work after our daughter passed away. I felt alone and I hated how everyone around me went on and left me alone. They all had great little tidbits about how blessed life was (it was around christmas in my situation)and I hated it. I felt like they were punching me in the face and saying how i wasnt blessed. Two years later I still hold some resentment but I can only promise you that time will help and just know that some prayers will continue. The thing that got me through, was Grace, it really did pour over me when I got into a really low time.

Much love and contiuned prayers from me.

Auntie M said...

I remember, after my nephew died last Nov, one of our pastor's kids was looking out the window at life moving on out on the streets of "real" life, and he turned to his mom and said, "How can all those people just...go one...like nothing's happened...don't they know a baby died?"
It was last Nov that I truly understood the Jewish tradition of the renting of clothes and the putting on of ashes in sorrow. I understood while in the 19th century, death was announced by a black wreath on the door, black clothing worn for months by the family, & black arm-band worn by those who knew the person.
Because prior to last Nov, I had never personally known a child who had died. Before, while respectful of loss, memorial services were joyous celebrations of lives well-lived.
It's hard to celebrate a long awaited birth, that ends in tragedy instead of joy. We could celebrate 9+months in the womb but not a single second of life outside it. We mourned his loss, we mourned our dreams, and we walked in a daze wondering why the world was moving on.
So, yeah, I get you.
And it's ok. It's ok to rail at the chest of Christ...or a friend...or to the thin air. God can take it. Hopefully friends can too.
You are being thought of and prayed for by so many. You are not alone~even in your deepest, darkest place. xo

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