Saturday, October 23, 2010

Dear Joshua,

We are going on 3 weeks since you took your last breath. It seems like time has lost all meaning. 

Baby, I'm not going to lie. I am struggling. Really struggling. I want you here with me and your daddy more than anything.Most days I don't want to get out of bed. Most days I don't even bother showering, cooking, or cleaning. It hurts to much to go on without you.

 I look at your brother and your sister, and I see the things they do, and I cry. I will never see you do those things. I will never see you smile, never see you walk. Never see you blow out a candle on your birthday cake, tie your shoes, or bite your toes. I will never hear you giggle. I will never hear you say I love you. All of those "nevers" hurt my heart so badly it paralyzes and suffocates me.

So much was taken from me when you left. I feel like you took my heart with you. I cry daily for you. My arms ache for you. I can't look at your pictuers, smell your clothes, or touch your pacifiers. It's too much.


Sweet Joshua, I hear from people daily about how you affected their life. How you made them love and appreciate their children more, how you brought them closer to God. You, sweet baby, did that. But the most important change that you brought to this world was in me.

You forced me to look at my faith. You forced me to look at everything that I believed in. You forced me to decide if this faith that I have is worth having. You showed me that nothing on this earth is mine- it is simply on loan from God (you were no exception to that rule). Because of you, I know a love for God that is so unbelieveably deep that it cannot be explained. I know a trust in God that cannot be broken. I know the peace that passes all understanding. And most importantly, I know that God is still good.

Joshua, I want you to know that for as much as I miss you, I am so thankful that you don't have to experience the heartache and pain that this world can bring. You don't ever have to experience the loss of your family and friends. You never have to know sin. You will never know the heartache that your daddy, brother, sister, and I all feel on a daily basis now that you are gone.You will never have to have another surgery, blood draw, seizure, or procedure. For that, I praise God that He took you home.

Sweet Joshua, I love you. I love you more than I can express and I long for the day that I will see you again. 

You have touched my heart sweet baby.

Love,

Your Mommy

14 comments:

Molly Alisa Photography said...

Tears.

Shawn Becker said...

I wish I could give you a hug! (((((JILL))))) That is the best I can do for now but I will send my prayers.

Jessica said...

beautiful.

Render Me Mama said...

Thank goodness for small miracles. He is safe now. Take comfort in that. Much love to you my dear.

jerrod said...

a great thing God gives us is the strength to overcome. He also gives the ability for strangers to pray for others. :) I'm so glad I get to read your blog now!

ArizonaIntactivist said...

I believe with all my heart that you will get to raise Joshua! I believe a mother that has lost their baby during infancy will not meet that child in heaven as an adult BUT as a child!

You WILL see your sweet Joshua again, as we both believe, but I also believe he will be placed in your arms as a little one by our loving Savior!

lilsophie said...

Still praying

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and your family!
Verena

Peach said...

Still praying for you and your family. My husband wants you to know that he can just see your little baby dancing in Heaven with Jesus, because now he's not suffering.

Love <3

baby foot fluff said...

i am so grateful you have chosen to share with us.my heart hurts for you.

Auntie M said...

No words...just tears & silent prayers....

Robin said...

I just found you blog but I just wanted to tell you that we lost our little Rebekah in January and this part-
"You forced me to look at my faith. You forced me to look at everything that I believed in. You forced me to decide if this faith that I have is worth having. You showed me that nothing on this earth is mine- it is simply on loan from God (you were no exception to that rule). Because of you, I know a love for God that is so unbelieveably deep that it cannot be explained. I know a trust in God that cannot be broken. I know the peace that passes all understanding. And most importantly, I know that God is still good."
-made me want to cry with joy.
I know the depth of each of those words and can speak them with you as a sister.
He IS good!
I will be praying for you too.- Robin

FredR said...

It's Biblical. In the old testiment in the era of Moses, it says "The woman took a stone blade and cut off her sons prepuce and threw it at her husbands feet and said "This is because you treat me (like a) bloody (piece of meat)." That makes it legal because of our constitution right to freedom of religion. Maybe you have the Jewess genetic marker in your inherent blood line.

FredR said...

Jesus sacrificed His life to fulfill the covenant law making it no longer necessary to practice circumcision on the least of our brothers. Maybe your son's soul will be born again in the true spirit of Christianity. I foregive you mommy for you knew not what you were doing, but if you do it again...

 
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